The Pheonix Will Rise

So, major changes have happened in my life and with that came the consequences. I honestly cannot think of another word that is seemingly more appropriate. Mainly, it has simply left me once again, dissappointed in people. I quit Verizon after 6 years and I feel more myself than I have in a long time. I feel free, my kids and I have deeper relationships, and my husband and I have grown that much more strong. Downside is.......so broke it isn't funny. We expected this though and are doing ok. Both of us have lived low income lifestyles before and while it isn't my preference of choice, it something I do not fear. What disturbs me more than any hour cutting coupons is the reactions I have received from many people close to me.

There are a handful of people, including my husband, who have supported me through every step, in a multitude of ways, and for them I am grateful. Without that, I could not have found the strength to make change happen for myself at all. Majority however have told me it was a stupid move on my part and have expected me to fail and, in my opinion, even want to see me punished for commiting such a rash financial suicide. Coming from the people I love who love me, that puts a real sharp stab in my heart. When I tell complete strangers, even the woman in HR as I was leaving the company, that I wanted to stay at home with my children and go back to school for an MBA, I get an enthusiastic "Good for you" that comes with a basic understanding of what I am trying to accomplish. But I dont want that from strangers. I want that same approval from my family that has eluded me since as far back as I can remember.

What is so hard or complicated about telling someone you love, whom has made a drastic lifestyle change " Good luck and we will help in any way we can."? Am I asking too much to have people whom have known me my whole life support me and want the best for me even when they don't agree with what I am doing? Sure I have made mistakes along the way, but everyone has. I am totally aware of all the ones I have made but what do they or I gain from having them thrown back at me? What positive outcome could possibly come from my metaphoric downfall followed by a bunch of "I told you so's"? I myself have watched friends and family make plenty of mistakes, many worse than mine. I simply said I disagree and afterwards I tried to simply be there and continue my role as a supportive aspect in their lives. That is all I want from the people on mine, but it isn't going to happen. What I really don't get is what they have to lose by just being supportive to me at all. Cutting them out of my life completely isn't an option, so if you were me, what would you do?

CH CH CH Changes....

For so long I have been stuck in a holding pattern. It drove me crazy, quite literally. I was so unhappy because I desperately wanted change but I wanted positive change and was frozen in fear of making the the wrong choices that would make everything so much worse. But doing nothing instead made it all so much worse and started my downwards spiral into a self destructive black hole. I drank myself into oblivion and it cost me too much that I never want to remember. I took pills, lots of pills and drank with those. I hurt the people around me that love me most and focused more on the people who never cared about me at all. My fear was slowly strangling me and it was only recently I decided enough was enough.

So I actively initiated change and I hope to God, it was the right path to take. I started small and decided to redecorate. My patchwork colored living room now blends in a color called Jungle Chamelion. My pictures on the wall now make a little more sense. From there, I decided a long term goal was needed. My husband is getting his online degree with the University of Pheonix. So I decided to do the same and became a Pheonix. I start next week on my MBA and am scared to death because no one has ever thought of me as a scholar, mostly me, but here I am going for a graduate degree.

So at this point I have painted over the past, literally. I have tried to open doors for my future. But my biggest obstacle seems to be the present. I have been unhappy in my job for years and against the advice and wishes of most of my family, the decline of job opportunities, and our non existant bank account, I quit Verizon after 6 years. In the time I had off from work, I felt more like me than I have in a while. My relationships with my husband and children flourished.
I went back to work and it all went away and I regressed back into my misery. So now I am free to feel ok again except for I am not completely ok. I need a part time job and one that fits the schedule I need. I dont have that. I hope I can get that doing something other than waiting tables, which I suck at, or working some retail job alongside 15 yr olds. I want something I can be somewhat proud of with a decent wage that I can enjoy and that is asking a lot. I apply every day and never hear much back. It puts me in a very defeatist mood and I dont know what to do. So, if I have any readers at all, what do I do?