I am sitting here at the airport in
San Antonio Texas slightly early so the three of us could split a cab and say
our goodbyes together. Such is the life of a traveling pauper. Anyway, I
thought I would take this opportunity to reflect and write about this trip, its
original purpose, all it's adventures and the journey taken.
This all started out as a
serendipitous adventure I was intending to take to Vegas but as it turns out
that trip never happened and would have been disastrous anyway. SO I took the
flight credit and pondered what to do with it. A night with Barbara talking
about the internal hardships we were both facing as well as our other mutual
friends, we realized it would be beneficial and was actually necessary to recapture
ourselves and the best way to do that was together.
In 2005, our friend Jonna moved to
Texas from North Carolina and out of our group of 5, the 4 went and stopped in
San Antonio and I did not on account of a memorable family road trip I was
taking out west with my own family. They had a blast and the trip to this day
is still remembered and talked about fondly. This time, only 4 were able to go
again but this time, I was one of the lucky ones able to make the trip
possible. It was simply wonderful how easily everything fell into place and
soon the trip was upon us.
From an outsiders perspective this
was an impulsive and less than lucrative trip, being that we were all in a
financial pinch of sorts and had obligations at home which demanded our attention.
But what we were beginning to realize is that those very things along with
others were beginning to take their toll and for at least three of us, the
effects of that stress were severe to the point that they were beginning to
physically impact us as well. We needed each other. Since I was 17 years old we
have needed and relied on each other for a strength and solace that only the
others can provide. The fact that we all realized it and had an imperative need
at the same time could not go unrecognized and had to be rectified. Hence, the
trip.
No
doubt, we had fun. Get this bunch together and there is always a good time
regardless of location or atmosphere because we make our own and raise a few
eyebrows and gain a few stares in the process. But the first morning together
in the pool started our re bonding, talking and healing. The common thread for
all of us was this. Our roles in life have consumed far too much of our
attention and we lost sight of ourselves just a little. Expectations, emotions
and insecurities have been allowed to get the best of us. The positive light
was fading and we knew we could help each other to bring it back and we did.
A
few things happened for me and as for the other extraordinary women; I will let
them tell their parts, should they feel so inclined. After our first day by the
pool and the conversations that took place, I started feeling better about
myself. Due to recent drama and thoughts and feelings that are forever in my
head, I have recently had my feelings of "not being good enough"
magnified. It is my own personal weakness but I never felt pretty enough, smart
enough, good enough in my roles in life, skinny enough, strong enough, etc.
Poolside I learned I was not alone and when I learned that these women felt the
same and we shared our thoughts on why and our experiences, that heavy feeling
of all those negatives started to lift and by the time I went up to the room to
shower, I felt I had washed a lot of that negativity away. Looking back at all
the pictures we took, I can see a physical change in my appearance as well.
Usually, like most women do, I tear my image apart ("my thighs look
huge", "Dear god, I look pregnant!" type of thing). This time, I
simply could not get past the look on my face in my photos. I was happy and
carefree and most importantly, I was simply me.
Now
this isn't to say I am miserable looking all other times, I am not. In fact,
this trip has led me to see that I have a blessed life. My support from my
grandparents and my husband made this trip a possibility for me. My children
are about as close to perfect as children can be. My own untapped and vast
potential has been recognized and however daunting, I have so many
possibilities ahead of me. It was always there, I just had trouble seeing it
through the shroud of endless responsibilities and self doubt.
So
thank you, San Antonio and my 3 beautiful friends. Thank you for letting us
look at ourselves and each other in a fresh new light. Thank you riverwalk and
Cowboy's Dance Hall for letting us get a little wild and free. Thank you Alamo
for reminding me of this nation’s history and of complete and true sacrifice.
Thank you to the 3 missions visited for granting me a strange inner peace, and
thank you Jonna, Barbara, and Melissa for allowing me to be me and loving me
for it always, for crazy laughs until Barbara ends up snorting uncontrollably,
for sharing a small mirror and 1 bathroom with 3 other women, letting me get accosted
at night by an Alamo cop, being my lookouts when I once again, roam outside
legal borders, creating an adventure by losing car keys in a walled in field as
it closes, and overall by being the strong, beautiful, intelligent women I have
come to love and respect more than anything.
