Many people know about the troubles my family has been dealing with regarding my sister and the Air Force. A few days ago, a final decision was reached and the outcome was not good and now it is done. There will be an appeal but that is all just lawyers and paper and doesn't require the involvement and support that has been needed throughout this process. As my plane was leaving St. Louis, it felt like I was leaving an important piece of my life behind. I was leaving with the knowledge that I would never return. What took place there was so irrevocably final and gone and all the moments, good and bad, all the opportunities for change, all the hopes and disappointments were now over. Instead I am now left with a void that has me confused and saddened. . In the Princess Bride, Inigo says to Wesley "I've been in the revenge business for so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life." Mandy Patinkin focuses on the revenge part but I saw it differently. The same emotions apply in that, when something so large permeates your life in such a way and takes a toll on so many aspects of your life, the fact that it is concluded leaves you with a choice to either put it behind you and charge ahead or it has you reflecting, if only to ensure that the important significance and impact is not lost with time. But sometimes closing a door doesn't always open a window or if it does, that window can be hard to find leaving you not knowing what to charge ahead to.
For my family, this whole ordeal has been a nightmare in every way possible. But as I watched the arch fade away, I started to immediately miss the few good moments that had occurred in the midst of this mess. City Museum is one of the most incredible places I have ever seen and the memories made there immediately stand out in my mind. I was able to see people like Marla whom I have not seen in a long time. There were conversations had that were more real than they have been in years. We all came together and stood against a common enemy as a united front. We met good people like Ann and Gene and through them and others gained different insights and perspectives. All of these things I hated to leave behind.
But then there was all the fighting. The environment itself seemed to feed hostility, insecurity, and resentment. There was fighting in and out of the courtroom. Tensions and emotions became high and with the women of this family, arguments are inevitable anyway. Being there under those circumstances only aggravated and amplified everything.
Fighting and arguing is an interesting thing. It honestly has more to do with yourself than it does others. Often conflict is perpetuated simply to ensure that you are not forgotten. By speaking up and asserting yourself, by continuing an argument or starting one, you solidify that you will be thought of, in one way or another, renting space in someones head. Being thought about makes us all feel important, even when that thought has negative connotations. I realize that most of my fights, especially during this trial, are done on my part because I do not feel I matter, I never have and I want to. My ambitions are probably why I am so bad at it. I was so afraid of that inevitable ending and what it meant for me, being forgotten or discarded afterwards because I was no longer needed or useful, I handled very few things well and now that finality has set in, my fears realized and life uncertain.
