This is the start of 2014 and if ever someone needed a fresh start, it is me. 2013 ended horribly for me and I have been broken down about as low as it gets. I have made realizations about myself and others that I probably should have known years ago and it would have saved me a whole lot of trouble and heartache. Many on Facebook have seen my memes and quotes and made a few guesses or became slightly worried and they had good reason, but I think I am out of the darkness just not out of the woods quite yet.
I made a decision to permanently cut all contact with family members whom I love but whose attacks, accusations, and verbal abuse daily, led me down a self destructive path. I needed to be cared about by people who have said they love me and support me my whole life. I needed them to put aside their issues and see the place they had put me in. They saw how broken I had become but it changed nothing which had me feeling so much worse. I jumped every time my phone made a sound and panicked when I saw the caller id. The simplest idea changed all of that.
I don't have to take this!
I really don't. Screaming at me doesn't solve their problems and while I have made some bad choices they certainly didn't deserve this measure of anger or verbal punishment. So I asked them to stop, a request which was ignored. My husband asked them to stop and if they had something to say, go through him. That too was ignored and led to his own taste of what I had been on the receiving end of. My wishes in any matter are usually overlooked and ignored with this lot so I blocked numbers and emails and resolved my own issue.
This all sounds easy but it was hard as hell. Divorcing family whether a spouse, friend, parent, or sibling is hard. Having someone you have loved so deeply and trusted with your deepest secrets betray your trust and bully you hurts badly. I have losses that I created and now grieve by finally laying boundaries for how I will allow someone to treat me. When it comes to aggressive, dominant people I am submissive to a fault. I don't mean to, but looking back on my relationships, romantic and otherwise, my lack of assertion played a large part in the failures. Living my life this way has led me to a very hopeless place and caused my self worth to be none existant. I put up boundaries and while it has had it's consequences, I am already feeling a teeny bit stronger.
I have established some incredibly strong supports in the way of some groups of people like me. My husband, I have no doubt now loves me unconditionally. He has been through every negative emotion there is through this and no one, not even me, would have blamed him if he walked away but he refused. What he has been to me through this, words cannot even describe. I have my small network of friends and some family that want to see me do ok in life and I am thankful for them.
So 2014 is a new start and since I did not get to a breaking point overnight, it will take a while to stand firm again but I will. I have good and bad days. I try not to rhuminate too much on what is past, or what could be down the road. I literally take it one day at a time because, well, reevaluating life after 33 years takes some time and effort. I have two incredible children that need a strong mother and if for no other reason, that is my driving force.
