The silver lining that accompanies hitting rock bottom, is that you have to start rebuilding from the ground up. I have had so many voices I trusted and counted on telling me I couldn't do things, I wasn't enough, in so many capacities. The manipulation and verbal assaults throughout my life wore me down until I became nothing. After 33 years I have taken back the control and the backlash was and is, horrendous. But without the negativity and the people who created it, it has become easier for me to not fulfill this prophecy, and focus on and strengthen, the positive aspects in my life. My 6 yr. old son had an explanation after watching a movie, about the difference between surviving and living. Surviving is doing what you have to to just make it and simply be alive. Living is enjoying that life and thriving in it. I had to hide my tears when he said "So, its like Mommy. She was surviving, but now she is living."
I am. You wouldn't think that changing your own way of thinking is so difficult a task, but for me, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to throw out my own definitions of myself and others. My concepts took radical turns, and I had to dispose of the illusions I had been giving myself for all these years. I had to accept overwhelmingly hard truths. Then I had to start over in this new reality. It was frightening and heartbreaking and those emotions still get the best of me from time to time, but those days become less and less as time passes.
My view now? I have a good life. I have a really good life. I live in a city at the beach with so much culture, history, and experiences right at my fingertips. Living in a resort town means people pay for a vacation experience to have what I have everyday so why not take advantage myself? We live at the beaches written about in country songs and pristine warm waters filled with shipwrecks and pirate lore. So, my husband and I are going to get scuba certified (why I have lived here 15 yrs and just now done this, I have no clue). I am so excited to explore shipwrecks with my man and a few sand tiger sharks! We are going to spend a lot of time this summer on those shores at my favorite spots and with a few of my favorite people. We cannot afford vacation but tons of people vacation here so our locale for this staycation will work just fine.
I am going to continue to work. It is not work in the traditional sense, but god is it fun and exciting. You see, I have not had a 9-5 job in several years but in all honestly, those never made me all that happy. I will eventually go back to that kind of career path, in all likelihood, at some point. For now, however, my main focus is on being a wife and mom and I am secure and happy in that. Financially, we still do need me to bring in some dough. Wilmington has several nicknames, two of which are Wilmywood and Hollywood East. We are home to Screen Gems Studios and while I have done background extra work in the past here and there, I have gotten involved recently to the point of working on set and location at least once or twice a week. Last week, I even got a featured spot on a TV pilot. It brings in extra income and,with the amount of network shows and big movies being filmed now and into the summer, I feel confident I can make a sufficient contribution to our family income. I can act, although I never set out to be an actress, but it is something with a flexible schedule that also allows me to be there for my family. Plus, it is really freakin' cool!
I have love, real honest to god love, from incredible and supportive people. I was always of the impression that family were the people put into your life and I accepted that as truth. The problem is though, that out of those people I trusted, counted on, and loved some of the most important ones proved how little I mattered to them and broke my heart, my trust, and the very core of me. Having people whom you have loved, trusted, and needed your whole life viciously come after you, alters your reality in an a permanent way. Acceptance of what is, versus perception, is a hard thing to obtain. Part of that acceptance was not just letting go of them, but rebuilding a family of value, worth and respect. Some of those are blood relatives and others are people who should have been. My family now is a beautiful patchwork of people new and old who accept that I am flawed and love me anyway, understanding that I am not my mistakes. I simply have to be me in order to be loved. No one does this better than my children and my husband.
My husband....that man has had more reasons to leave than stay and yet he loves me inexplicably so. He has saved my life physically, mentally, and emotionally over these years and in all ways recently. It is funny that the rock bottom that should have ended us, has glued us together, made us stronger and forced us to face and fix problems that have been there for years. My faith in him was always somewhat reserved due to trust issues and how ironic that people who actually had it, shattered that trust, while he proved it, tenfold. He has it now, completely. My children are my heart. They say and do things daily which make me smile and inspire and encourage me in addition to the absolute pride I feel. I am determined to never let them know the heartbreak that a mother can bring. I will let them down and mess up but they will always know they have my support, love, and faith, no matter what.
