I tend to dwell on things and although I have become better at this, I still retain a mental note of anniversaries of both good and bad things that have happened to me kind of like a mile marker saying "Hey, you made it this far." I am coming up on a year marker of a series of events and choices that have guided and maintained some life altering changes for the past year and helped me to not only see the reality of things but face them head on as well.
My main lesson has been about people, those close to me and not so close. Like most lessons, I had a recap and a reminder. My recap was that most Marines, Lawyers, and Cowboys fans are not above taking advantage of situations, others, and have no problem being horrible people. Take all three and put them together and you have someone who basically has no soul.
The second part was learning about people close to me and it has been a hard one to swallow. I orphaned myself by choice and divorced those that took me at my weakest and tried to crush me and destroy anything good in my life simply because they felt they could. These same people have told me they loved me my whole life, are the ones I have counted on, confided in, and fought for. This kind of betrayal was worse than any I have ever felt in my whole life. I learned in the hardest of ways that a title and relationship you were born into doesn't have to exist if all it does is act on you in extreme and negative ways. The constant criticism, negativity, resentment, jealousy, and anger and the intensity in which it came at me was more than I could bear and it broke me. At my worst state it didn't stop and I was called every name in the book and the abuse intensified.
The last and most important part was learning about me. It wasn't until I took control, said enough, and cut them off completely, was I free. The absurd thing is, it had never occurred to me that I had the choice to control my own relationships. You have no idea how many problems throughout my life that one realization could have solved. Without that constant negativity at my back, I trust more in my own decisions and abilities. I do not doubt myself as much and therefore am more accepting of my life as it is and not so mixed up about the changes I need to make and the choices I have already made. It is so freeing and when I talk to others who have that same negative source in their life I encourage them to do what I have done, no matter how scary because the rewards are completely worth it.
Making mistakes is part of being human and I have made my fair share, especially in the past few years. But I have also learned that you are beholden only unto yourself and there is no one on on this earth who can be your judge, jury, and executioner. Those that see another in pain and/or weakness and prey on it act in this manner and are labeled abusers. Mental, emotional, and verbal abusive are just as damaging as physical abuse. I have suffered through them all and at the hands of people who claimed to love me unconditionally. Last year that same abuse was reached an all time high and was allowed to be continued by others and when I reached rock bottom, I said enough.
There is something so empowering about taking control for the fist time from people that would use you, taunt you, threaten and manipulate you all in the name of love. It hurts like hell but being able to not live in fear of the words and actions of others and being able to trust in yourself is a reward that is well worth it. In this year, I have grown in leaps and bounds as a wife, mother, woman and person. People who know nothing about this have said they see positive change in me. The abusers still rage on but all they have is gossip and as one wise woman told me, their range is short.
It's funny. I miss having those figures in my life but rarely do I find myself missing the actual people. Most often I look back and the negativity, even from years ago, seems so glaringly obvious and I wonder what took me so long to really see it. I see other people struggle through similar relationships and I wish they would try and adhere some form of what I have done to their own situations. You see, setting boundaries for your life isn't a negative thing. Those who rebel against a person doing this are those who are taking advantage of their absence. Ridiculous as it sounds, the boundaries I had to fight these people for were things such as..
I have the right to decide which couch I want in my own living room.
No, you may not give away my pets while I am on vacation because you think I have too many.
As a new mother, it is my job to be the mother to this child, not yours.
My child does not have a speech disability and your twice a year visits do not make you an expert on him.
The cars I chose to buy and the food I choose to eat are my choice.
It is my Facebook page. If I am not calling you out personally and hey, even if I am it is none of your business what I write or if I over share.
You have called me too thin and now I am too fat. Unless I ask you outright, your opinion on the subject isn't welcome.
I do not have to inform you of any medication I am taking or not taking. I am a grown woman and it is not your business to know.
My husband is not rich. This does not make him poor at money management or a failure at life, this makes him a NC public school teacher supporting a family of four on his own for years. The fact that you look down on him for this is more of a reflection of you than it ever will be of him.
There are so many more and some even more ridiculous than these but we could be here all day. I made my point and I do so only hoping that at least one person who reads this can relate and summon up the courage to no longer let their confidence be undermined by toxic people and take a stand for themselves.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Being Me
Finally...it is starting to happen! Five months ago I starting making some drastic changes to my life and underwent a transformation that has needed to occur for quite some time. I regret the toll that it took and the damage created for me to open my eyes but I am starting to see the positive effects of living my life in a different way and for the first time, knowing a kind of inner peace and acceptance that has eluded me for so long.
The silver lining that accompanies hitting rock bottom, is that you have to start rebuilding from the ground up. I have had so many voices I trusted and counted on telling me I couldn't do things, I wasn't enough, in so many capacities. The manipulation and verbal assaults throughout my life wore me down until I became nothing. After 33 years I have taken back the control and the backlash was and is, horrendous. But without the negativity and the people who created it, it has become easier for me to not fulfill this prophecy, and focus on and strengthen, the positive aspects in my life. My 6 yr. old son had an explanation after watching a movie, about the difference between surviving and living. Surviving is doing what you have to to just make it and simply be alive. Living is enjoying that life and thriving in it. I had to hide my tears when he said "So, its like Mommy. She was surviving, but now she is living."
I am. You wouldn't think that changing your own way of thinking is so difficult a task, but for me, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to throw out my own definitions of myself and others. My concepts took radical turns, and I had to dispose of the illusions I had been giving myself for all these years. I had to accept overwhelmingly hard truths. Then I had to start over in this new reality. It was frightening and heartbreaking and those emotions still get the best of me from time to time, but those days become less and less as time passes.
My view now? I have a good life. I have a really good life. I live in a city at the beach with so much culture, history, and experiences right at my fingertips. Living in a resort town means people pay for a vacation experience to have what I have everyday so why not take advantage myself? We live at the beaches written about in country songs and pristine warm waters filled with shipwrecks and pirate lore. So, my husband and I are going to get scuba certified (why I have lived here 15 yrs and just now done this, I have no clue). I am so excited to explore shipwrecks with my man and a few sand tiger sharks! We are going to spend a lot of time this summer on those shores at my favorite spots and with a few of my favorite people. We cannot afford vacation but tons of people vacation here so our locale for this staycation will work just fine.
I am going to continue to work. It is not work in the traditional sense, but god is it fun and exciting. You see, I have not had a 9-5 job in several years but in all honestly, those never made me all that happy. I will eventually go back to that kind of career path, in all likelihood, at some point. For now, however, my main focus is on being a wife and mom and I am secure and happy in that. Financially, we still do need me to bring in some dough. Wilmington has several nicknames, two of which are Wilmywood and Hollywood East. We are home to Screen Gems Studios and while I have done background extra work in the past here and there, I have gotten involved recently to the point of working on set and location at least once or twice a week. Last week, I even got a featured spot on a TV pilot. It brings in extra income and,with the amount of network shows and big movies being filmed now and into the summer, I feel confident I can make a sufficient contribution to our family income. I can act, although I never set out to be an actress, but it is something with a flexible schedule that also allows me to be there for my family. Plus, it is really freakin' cool!
I have love, real honest to god love, from incredible and supportive people. I was always of the impression that family were the people put into your life and I accepted that as truth. The problem is though, that out of those people I trusted, counted on, and loved some of the most important ones proved how little I mattered to them and broke my heart, my trust, and the very core of me. Having people whom you have loved, trusted, and needed your whole life viciously come after you, alters your reality in an a permanent way. Acceptance of what is, versus perception, is a hard thing to obtain. Part of that acceptance was not just letting go of them, but rebuilding a family of value, worth and respect. Some of those are blood relatives and others are people who should have been. My family now is a beautiful patchwork of people new and old who accept that I am flawed and love me anyway, understanding that I am not my mistakes. I simply have to be me in order to be loved. No one does this better than my children and my husband.
My husband....that man has had more reasons to leave than stay and yet he loves me inexplicably so. He has saved my life physically, mentally, and emotionally over these years and in all ways recently. It is funny that the rock bottom that should have ended us, has glued us together, made us stronger and forced us to face and fix problems that have been there for years. My faith in him was always somewhat reserved due to trust issues and how ironic that people who actually had it, shattered that trust, while he proved it, tenfold. He has it now, completely. My children are my heart. They say and do things daily which make me smile and inspire and encourage me in addition to the absolute pride I feel. I am determined to never let them know the heartbreak that a mother can bring. I will let them down and mess up but they will always know they have my support, love, and faith, no matter what.
Good things are happening and I refuse to believe it is just luck. Others see a change in me and look upon it favorably. I like this but more importantly, I am starting to like me a little more each day.
The silver lining that accompanies hitting rock bottom, is that you have to start rebuilding from the ground up. I have had so many voices I trusted and counted on telling me I couldn't do things, I wasn't enough, in so many capacities. The manipulation and verbal assaults throughout my life wore me down until I became nothing. After 33 years I have taken back the control and the backlash was and is, horrendous. But without the negativity and the people who created it, it has become easier for me to not fulfill this prophecy, and focus on and strengthen, the positive aspects in my life. My 6 yr. old son had an explanation after watching a movie, about the difference between surviving and living. Surviving is doing what you have to to just make it and simply be alive. Living is enjoying that life and thriving in it. I had to hide my tears when he said "So, its like Mommy. She was surviving, but now she is living."
I am. You wouldn't think that changing your own way of thinking is so difficult a task, but for me, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to throw out my own definitions of myself and others. My concepts took radical turns, and I had to dispose of the illusions I had been giving myself for all these years. I had to accept overwhelmingly hard truths. Then I had to start over in this new reality. It was frightening and heartbreaking and those emotions still get the best of me from time to time, but those days become less and less as time passes.
My view now? I have a good life. I have a really good life. I live in a city at the beach with so much culture, history, and experiences right at my fingertips. Living in a resort town means people pay for a vacation experience to have what I have everyday so why not take advantage myself? We live at the beaches written about in country songs and pristine warm waters filled with shipwrecks and pirate lore. So, my husband and I are going to get scuba certified (why I have lived here 15 yrs and just now done this, I have no clue). I am so excited to explore shipwrecks with my man and a few sand tiger sharks! We are going to spend a lot of time this summer on those shores at my favorite spots and with a few of my favorite people. We cannot afford vacation but tons of people vacation here so our locale for this staycation will work just fine.
I am going to continue to work. It is not work in the traditional sense, but god is it fun and exciting. You see, I have not had a 9-5 job in several years but in all honestly, those never made me all that happy. I will eventually go back to that kind of career path, in all likelihood, at some point. For now, however, my main focus is on being a wife and mom and I am secure and happy in that. Financially, we still do need me to bring in some dough. Wilmington has several nicknames, two of which are Wilmywood and Hollywood East. We are home to Screen Gems Studios and while I have done background extra work in the past here and there, I have gotten involved recently to the point of working on set and location at least once or twice a week. Last week, I even got a featured spot on a TV pilot. It brings in extra income and,with the amount of network shows and big movies being filmed now and into the summer, I feel confident I can make a sufficient contribution to our family income. I can act, although I never set out to be an actress, but it is something with a flexible schedule that also allows me to be there for my family. Plus, it is really freakin' cool!
I have love, real honest to god love, from incredible and supportive people. I was always of the impression that family were the people put into your life and I accepted that as truth. The problem is though, that out of those people I trusted, counted on, and loved some of the most important ones proved how little I mattered to them and broke my heart, my trust, and the very core of me. Having people whom you have loved, trusted, and needed your whole life viciously come after you, alters your reality in an a permanent way. Acceptance of what is, versus perception, is a hard thing to obtain. Part of that acceptance was not just letting go of them, but rebuilding a family of value, worth and respect. Some of those are blood relatives and others are people who should have been. My family now is a beautiful patchwork of people new and old who accept that I am flawed and love me anyway, understanding that I am not my mistakes. I simply have to be me in order to be loved. No one does this better than my children and my husband.
My husband....that man has had more reasons to leave than stay and yet he loves me inexplicably so. He has saved my life physically, mentally, and emotionally over these years and in all ways recently. It is funny that the rock bottom that should have ended us, has glued us together, made us stronger and forced us to face and fix problems that have been there for years. My faith in him was always somewhat reserved due to trust issues and how ironic that people who actually had it, shattered that trust, while he proved it, tenfold. He has it now, completely. My children are my heart. They say and do things daily which make me smile and inspire and encourage me in addition to the absolute pride I feel. I am determined to never let them know the heartbreak that a mother can bring. I will let them down and mess up but they will always know they have my support, love, and faith, no matter what.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Broken in 2013 Strength in 2014
This is the start of 2014 and if ever someone needed a fresh start, it is me. 2013 ended horribly for me and I have been broken down about as low as it gets. I have made realizations about myself and others that I probably should have known years ago and it would have saved me a whole lot of trouble and heartache. Many on Facebook have seen my memes and quotes and made a few guesses or became slightly worried and they had good reason, but I think I am out of the darkness just not out of the woods quite yet.
I made a decision to permanently cut all contact with family members whom I love but whose attacks, accusations, and verbal abuse daily, led me down a self destructive path. I needed to be cared about by people who have said they love me and support me my whole life. I needed them to put aside their issues and see the place they had put me in. They saw how broken I had become but it changed nothing which had me feeling so much worse. I jumped every time my phone made a sound and panicked when I saw the caller id. The simplest idea changed all of that.
I don't have to take this!
I really don't. Screaming at me doesn't solve their problems and while I have made some bad choices they certainly didn't deserve this measure of anger or verbal punishment. So I asked them to stop, a request which was ignored. My husband asked them to stop and if they had something to say, go through him. That too was ignored and led to his own taste of what I had been on the receiving end of. My wishes in any matter are usually overlooked and ignored with this lot so I blocked numbers and emails and resolved my own issue.
This all sounds easy but it was hard as hell. Divorcing family whether a spouse, friend, parent, or sibling is hard. Having someone you have loved so deeply and trusted with your deepest secrets betray your trust and bully you hurts badly. I have losses that I created and now grieve by finally laying boundaries for how I will allow someone to treat me. When it comes to aggressive, dominant people I am submissive to a fault. I don't mean to, but looking back on my relationships, romantic and otherwise, my lack of assertion played a large part in the failures. Living my life this way has led me to a very hopeless place and caused my self worth to be none existant. I put up boundaries and while it has had it's consequences, I am already feeling a teeny bit stronger.
I have established some incredibly strong supports in the way of some groups of people like me. My husband, I have no doubt now loves me unconditionally. He has been through every negative emotion there is through this and no one, not even me, would have blamed him if he walked away but he refused. What he has been to me through this, words cannot even describe. I have my small network of friends and some family that want to see me do ok in life and I am thankful for them.
So 2014 is a new start and since I did not get to a breaking point overnight, it will take a while to stand firm again but I will. I have good and bad days. I try not to rhuminate too much on what is past, or what could be down the road. I literally take it one day at a time because, well, reevaluating life after 33 years takes some time and effort. I have two incredible children that need a strong mother and if for no other reason, that is my driving force.
I made a decision to permanently cut all contact with family members whom I love but whose attacks, accusations, and verbal abuse daily, led me down a self destructive path. I needed to be cared about by people who have said they love me and support me my whole life. I needed them to put aside their issues and see the place they had put me in. They saw how broken I had become but it changed nothing which had me feeling so much worse. I jumped every time my phone made a sound and panicked when I saw the caller id. The simplest idea changed all of that.
I don't have to take this!
I really don't. Screaming at me doesn't solve their problems and while I have made some bad choices they certainly didn't deserve this measure of anger or verbal punishment. So I asked them to stop, a request which was ignored. My husband asked them to stop and if they had something to say, go through him. That too was ignored and led to his own taste of what I had been on the receiving end of. My wishes in any matter are usually overlooked and ignored with this lot so I blocked numbers and emails and resolved my own issue.
This all sounds easy but it was hard as hell. Divorcing family whether a spouse, friend, parent, or sibling is hard. Having someone you have loved so deeply and trusted with your deepest secrets betray your trust and bully you hurts badly. I have losses that I created and now grieve by finally laying boundaries for how I will allow someone to treat me. When it comes to aggressive, dominant people I am submissive to a fault. I don't mean to, but looking back on my relationships, romantic and otherwise, my lack of assertion played a large part in the failures. Living my life this way has led me to a very hopeless place and caused my self worth to be none existant. I put up boundaries and while it has had it's consequences, I am already feeling a teeny bit stronger.
I have established some incredibly strong supports in the way of some groups of people like me. My husband, I have no doubt now loves me unconditionally. He has been through every negative emotion there is through this and no one, not even me, would have blamed him if he walked away but he refused. What he has been to me through this, words cannot even describe. I have my small network of friends and some family that want to see me do ok in life and I am thankful for them.
So 2014 is a new start and since I did not get to a breaking point overnight, it will take a while to stand firm again but I will. I have good and bad days. I try not to rhuminate too much on what is past, or what could be down the road. I literally take it one day at a time because, well, reevaluating life after 33 years takes some time and effort. I have two incredible children that need a strong mother and if for no other reason, that is my driving force.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?
I love Taylor Swift. Yes I said it and I meant it and you can disagree but it won't change how I feel. That girl wears her heart on her sleeve and has the ability to write lyrics that say just how I feel about so many relationships. Brokenhearted and hurt and sad are her thing and I can more than relate. Problem is, it hasn't done me much good to continue getting stuck in that state and recently I hit rock bottom because of it. If it wasn't rock bottom, it was pretty damn close.
I am not going to air out all my dirty laundry online but I do wish to speak to a few of the situations I am finding myself in and I expect that like Taylor's songs do for me, a few of these scenarios might hit a chord or two for you if you are reading this. On to my first point.
I am not responsible for someone else's actions and/or inactions. People, this is in Psych 101 and I am finding that I am being blamed for not only my actions but the actions and professionalism of someone else as well. Now, does putting it in writing make anyone else aware of how silly this is? No matter what situation you create in your head here, I am NOT responsible for how another person does or does not do his job. If you have a problem with the product of his work or his professionalism or lack thereof, take it up with him. Do not put that on me. It serves no purpose, fixes nothing, and has only led to making things worse. I am accountable only for what I have done and blaming me for other people's mistakes as well as my own serves no purpose, obtains no goal and only serves to place more blame and hurt on an already broken person.
Stop involving everyone you know in an issue that does not concern them. This has been going on for years with me and it needs to stop. So one person sends an email to another about a private issue. This person then forwards it to a bunch of people, calls these people and circles the wagons to prepare for an onslaught attack. Well now they have gathered a posse all to gang up on someone. How very grade school bully of you. Involving other people in arguments with another is not venting or trying to work things out. Taking all the people you have in common and trying to turn them all against the other is extremely manipulative and hateful. It is essentially attempting to take away any and all support in an effort to show your dominance and power through fear and aggression. This is a war strategy and to use it against someone you claim to love when it wields no positive outcome in order to make them submissive is both sadistic and cruel and serves no real purpose. So I say do your worst. Anyone who wants to continue to beat me down while I try to get up or knock the supports out from under me while I try to stand again and does it all in your name, I have no use for this at the moment. As long as they wish to be hurtful for cruelty's sake, I am done no matter how much I don't want to be because I have to be.
I have made mistakes, a lot of mistakes. We all have in our lives and some are bigger than others. There is nothing you can do about the mistakes of the past and to have people continue to throw them in your face and degrade you helps no one. Telling me I was wrong does nothing. I am not stupid. I already know my mistakes and many of them I have paid for more than any one person could know. However, if you are in my life it is because I want you there. Friend or family, I have created a support system which doesn't mean you have to agree with everything I say and do or that you cannot have feelings or emotions one way or the other. However, I have taken actions to remedy my errors, to do the right thing and to try and become a better person. Either help that process along so that a positive goal can be reached or go away. Hating on me just creates drama and negatively and makes everyone's life more difficult. It is like trying to swim while someone is trying to drown you. Guess, what? You both go under.
So I will still probably continue to listen to Taylor and wear my heart on my sleeve the way she does. But I need to start taking on a little of Miranda Lamberts attitude too and maybe, just maybe, I can end up with a Carrie Underwood type of view on people in general.
Just change "cheated on" to "hurt" =)
Friday, November 8, 2013
Happy Endings Don't Exist
Major events have been taking place in my life this year, more so than most and one of them has just come to an end, for the most part. It got me thinking about endings of any nature and it became apparent that an ending in any situation, is never a truly happy one because of one simple reason. Whether it is the end of a problem, relationship, life, or something positive, an ending is final and permanent and the window of opportunity for change in any way is over and irreversible.
Many people know about the troubles my family has been dealing with regarding my sister and the Air Force. A few days ago, a final decision was reached and the outcome was not good and now it is done. There will be an appeal but that is all just lawyers and paper and doesn't require the involvement and support that has been needed throughout this process. As my plane was leaving St. Louis, it felt like I was leaving an important piece of my life behind. I was leaving with the knowledge that I would never return. What took place there was so irrevocably final and gone and all the moments, good and bad, all the opportunities for change, all the hopes and disappointments were now over. Instead I am now left with a void that has me confused and saddened. . In the Princess Bride, Inigo says to Wesley "I've been in the revenge business for so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life." Mandy Patinkin focuses on the revenge part but I saw it differently. The same emotions apply in that, when something so large permeates your life in such a way and takes a toll on so many aspects of your life, the fact that it is concluded leaves you with a choice to either put it behind you and charge ahead or it has you reflecting, if only to ensure that the important significance and impact is not lost with time. But sometimes closing a door doesn't always open a window or if it does, that window can be hard to find leaving you not knowing what to charge ahead to.
For my family, this whole ordeal has been a nightmare in every way possible. But as I watched the arch fade away, I started to immediately miss the few good moments that had occurred in the midst of this mess. City Museum is one of the most incredible places I have ever seen and the memories made there immediately stand out in my mind. I was able to see people like Marla whom I have not seen in a long time. There were conversations had that were more real than they have been in years. We all came together and stood against a common enemy as a united front. We met good people like Ann and Gene and through them and others gained different insights and perspectives. All of these things I hated to leave behind.
But then there was all the fighting. The environment itself seemed to feed hostility, insecurity, and resentment. There was fighting in and out of the courtroom. Tensions and emotions became high and with the women of this family, arguments are inevitable anyway. Being there under those circumstances only aggravated and amplified everything.
Fighting and arguing is an interesting thing. It honestly has more to do with yourself than it does others. Often conflict is perpetuated simply to ensure that you are not forgotten. By speaking up and asserting yourself, by continuing an argument or starting one, you solidify that you will be thought of, in one way or another, renting space in someones head. Being thought about makes us all feel important, even when that thought has negative connotations. I realize that most of my fights, especially during this trial, are done on my part because I do not feel I matter, I never have and I want to. My ambitions are probably why I am so bad at it. I was so afraid of that inevitable ending and what it meant for me, being forgotten or discarded afterwards because I was no longer needed or useful, I handled very few things well and now that finality has set in, my fears realized and life uncertain.
Many people know about the troubles my family has been dealing with regarding my sister and the Air Force. A few days ago, a final decision was reached and the outcome was not good and now it is done. There will be an appeal but that is all just lawyers and paper and doesn't require the involvement and support that has been needed throughout this process. As my plane was leaving St. Louis, it felt like I was leaving an important piece of my life behind. I was leaving with the knowledge that I would never return. What took place there was so irrevocably final and gone and all the moments, good and bad, all the opportunities for change, all the hopes and disappointments were now over. Instead I am now left with a void that has me confused and saddened. . In the Princess Bride, Inigo says to Wesley "I've been in the revenge business for so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life." Mandy Patinkin focuses on the revenge part but I saw it differently. The same emotions apply in that, when something so large permeates your life in such a way and takes a toll on so many aspects of your life, the fact that it is concluded leaves you with a choice to either put it behind you and charge ahead or it has you reflecting, if only to ensure that the important significance and impact is not lost with time. But sometimes closing a door doesn't always open a window or if it does, that window can be hard to find leaving you not knowing what to charge ahead to.
For my family, this whole ordeal has been a nightmare in every way possible. But as I watched the arch fade away, I started to immediately miss the few good moments that had occurred in the midst of this mess. City Museum is one of the most incredible places I have ever seen and the memories made there immediately stand out in my mind. I was able to see people like Marla whom I have not seen in a long time. There were conversations had that were more real than they have been in years. We all came together and stood against a common enemy as a united front. We met good people like Ann and Gene and through them and others gained different insights and perspectives. All of these things I hated to leave behind.
But then there was all the fighting. The environment itself seemed to feed hostility, insecurity, and resentment. There was fighting in and out of the courtroom. Tensions and emotions became high and with the women of this family, arguments are inevitable anyway. Being there under those circumstances only aggravated and amplified everything.
Fighting and arguing is an interesting thing. It honestly has more to do with yourself than it does others. Often conflict is perpetuated simply to ensure that you are not forgotten. By speaking up and asserting yourself, by continuing an argument or starting one, you solidify that you will be thought of, in one way or another, renting space in someones head. Being thought about makes us all feel important, even when that thought has negative connotations. I realize that most of my fights, especially during this trial, are done on my part because I do not feel I matter, I never have and I want to. My ambitions are probably why I am so bad at it. I was so afraid of that inevitable ending and what it meant for me, being forgotten or discarded afterwards because I was no longer needed or useful, I handled very few things well and now that finality has set in, my fears realized and life uncertain.
Monday, September 2, 2013
My Craptastic Summer
I can't sleep. It is after midnight and I have a million things to do this week and I am so tired and yet sleep eludes me because my mind races and deliberates, mainly over recent events. I am angry and sad and so damn bitter it isn't funny and I push all this aside to be there for the people I love but all of it turns into a resentment that churns in me as I mull it all over and over again in my head.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my daughter's preschool open house and the next day she is supposed to start and my anxiety level is at an all time high for a plethora of reasons. You see, it has been months since I have seen these people and the obvious questions will arise of "How are you?" "How was your summer?". Most of the time I would politely answer "Fine, how are you? How was your summer?" But at this place and tomorrow, I am going to have a very hard time doing that.
I have been going to this church on and off my whole adult life and even though I am not terribly religious, it has recently been a large part of my life as my children went to preschool there, I worked there, sang there, and did other various things there as well. This summer was quite possibly the worst of my entire life and my retort to these exchanges of pleasantries is supposed to be fake and "fine". I suppose I could reply with "Well, my husband came hours away from death, my cat did die, my pet squirrel ran away, the Air Force is starving and persecuting my sister, we are thousands of dollars in debt and counting with medical bills, oh and this lovely school let me go last month. How was your summer?"
My bitterness in this situation in particular is that if one good thing came out of my husbands 2 week hospital stay, it was that I became acutely aware of the people who care about us and the people who do not. It is sad to say, but in that church, the numbers of the latter are staggering. The preschool director spoke with me hours after we were admitted at the hospital out of sheer coincidence, but I heard from no one there again until the day before he was released. There were no texts, calls, visits, nothing but two Facebook posts from the people whom I had called co workers and who my children had called teachers for years. Even the two priests from the church came for several hospital bedside visits. Then again, the seafood restaurant that my husband had worked for off and on since 1998 couldn't be bothered to even do that, even with the late owner being a personal friend of his.
Honestly, if it were not for my grandparents involvement and the choir in which I have found a mini family, I would have nothing more to do with that church. Last week was the first time I sat through a Sunday without bursting into tears and leaving. I debated sending my daughter back because not only was I dismissed but one of the best teachers there, was let go for what I believe to be personal reasons rather than on the basis of professional merit. This is bad business and makes me question what exactly is going on there and since I am now just an outsider parent, I have every right to. But at this point, there is no other school to send her to that has an opening and I also do not want my troubles to be inflicted on her any more than they have to be. Therefore, we are giving it a shot and we will see how it ends up along with the rest of the mess surrounding me.
When I went to visit my sister she brought up a very valid principle of basic attribution psychology. Basically, if bad things happen to a person, it is perceived that they must be bad or deserving of these negative conflicts because bad things just don't happen to good people. This is the Just World Hypothesis and is an assumption that a person's actions always bring fitting consequences to that person, so that all noble actions are eventually rewarded and all evil actions are eventually punished. Most intelligent people read that last sentence and realize that bad things happen to everyone but in this culture and especially in a religious one, this is ingrained and can be conveyed unconsciously by many. My fear is that this was already present with this group of people tomorrow and by not playing the game with a smile on my face, I will simply confirm that I indeed, must be a bad person deserving of all my woes.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my daughter's preschool open house and the next day she is supposed to start and my anxiety level is at an all time high for a plethora of reasons. You see, it has been months since I have seen these people and the obvious questions will arise of "How are you?" "How was your summer?". Most of the time I would politely answer "Fine, how are you? How was your summer?" But at this place and tomorrow, I am going to have a very hard time doing that.
I have been going to this church on and off my whole adult life and even though I am not terribly religious, it has recently been a large part of my life as my children went to preschool there, I worked there, sang there, and did other various things there as well. This summer was quite possibly the worst of my entire life and my retort to these exchanges of pleasantries is supposed to be fake and "fine". I suppose I could reply with "Well, my husband came hours away from death, my cat did die, my pet squirrel ran away, the Air Force is starving and persecuting my sister, we are thousands of dollars in debt and counting with medical bills, oh and this lovely school let me go last month. How was your summer?"
My bitterness in this situation in particular is that if one good thing came out of my husbands 2 week hospital stay, it was that I became acutely aware of the people who care about us and the people who do not. It is sad to say, but in that church, the numbers of the latter are staggering. The preschool director spoke with me hours after we were admitted at the hospital out of sheer coincidence, but I heard from no one there again until the day before he was released. There were no texts, calls, visits, nothing but two Facebook posts from the people whom I had called co workers and who my children had called teachers for years. Even the two priests from the church came for several hospital bedside visits. Then again, the seafood restaurant that my husband had worked for off and on since 1998 couldn't be bothered to even do that, even with the late owner being a personal friend of his.
Honestly, if it were not for my grandparents involvement and the choir in which I have found a mini family, I would have nothing more to do with that church. Last week was the first time I sat through a Sunday without bursting into tears and leaving. I debated sending my daughter back because not only was I dismissed but one of the best teachers there, was let go for what I believe to be personal reasons rather than on the basis of professional merit. This is bad business and makes me question what exactly is going on there and since I am now just an outsider parent, I have every right to. But at this point, there is no other school to send her to that has an opening and I also do not want my troubles to be inflicted on her any more than they have to be. Therefore, we are giving it a shot and we will see how it ends up along with the rest of the mess surrounding me.
When I went to visit my sister she brought up a very valid principle of basic attribution psychology. Basically, if bad things happen to a person, it is perceived that they must be bad or deserving of these negative conflicts because bad things just don't happen to good people. This is the Just World Hypothesis and is an assumption that a person's actions always bring fitting consequences to that person, so that all noble actions are eventually rewarded and all evil actions are eventually punished. Most intelligent people read that last sentence and realize that bad things happen to everyone but in this culture and especially in a religious one, this is ingrained and can be conveyed unconsciously by many. My fear is that this was already present with this group of people tomorrow and by not playing the game with a smile on my face, I will simply confirm that I indeed, must be a bad person deserving of all my woes.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
The War Between the Sexes: Date on Your Side of the Mason Dixon Line
While dating, I can honestly say that I never had a "type". Fat, thin, tall, short, nerd, jock...all that I looked for was a connection with that individual. Ultimately, it never worked out and I was always left wondering if it was me and my friends would always tell me it wasn't except for now I have to believe it was in fact me, at least in most cases.
When I came down here to go to college I was inundated with southern gentleman and together with my cute group of girls, it was like hunting fish in a barrel. But like most college relationships, these were mostly for fun and very short lived but that didn't stop me from getting my heart broken and even being told I was loved a couple times and twice it was returned. Ultimately, I was not what they were looking for and didn't fit the image they had of the girl who should be their arm. Why? My guess was because as southern men they wanted a southern belle and that is most certainly not me.
Southern men are looking for southern gentility and charm. When met with a girl who can pull that off but at heart has been raised a Northerner, it is too much and they simply cannot handle it. My most epic failed relationships were with men raised in the south, and the one I clicked the most with is my husband who grew up two hours away from where I did in PA. Don't get me wrong. In 10 years I have frustrated, angered, and annoyed the everlasting crap out of him but he stuck around and loves me because he has an understanding of how I work. My guess is most Northern girls have a similar M.O. How is that exactly?
Never in my life have I said "bless your heart." What does that even mean? I am not perfectly put together the second I wake up and am not a working Martha Stewart model. I am as crass as I am classy. Northern women are the chameleons of the world and the best part is they are 100% in being so. You can take us to a black tie affair and we can work that room like it was made for us and later take us to a dive bar where we can own it the exact same way with a beer bottle in our hands. Northern women do not hold back and speak their minds. We can cuss like a sailor and also be as eloquent as poetry. We are fiery, passionate, women and have no problems calling people out. We enjoy a good argument and thrive under the pressures of a challenge.
Southern men simply are not prepared and are ill equipped to handle the likes of a Northern personality in a woman. We are intimidating and pushy to them and are way beyond what their mammas warned them about. The southern men in my life simply did not know how to handle me. I may have seemed intriguing at first but ultimately I scared them. The point in all this is my hypothesis. Yankee girls will do best to find Yankee men in their lives. Leave the southern men to the southern girls and we might all be better off.
My husband loves analogies so I will end with one. There are two types of storm chasers; those who watch the twister from a safe distance, careful not to get too close and then there are those who get right in the middle of the storm. Northern men have no problems being the latter and I commend them for it.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Energy Vampires
Last night, I was with a group talking about all sorts of things and one of the topics was energy vampires. The term itself raises eyebrows but before your mind gets too lost in images of Dracula and Twilight characters, redirect please because we have all come into contact with one of these.
Energy Vampires are those negative people that enter your life and their very presence in it can literally suck the energy from you and leave you feeling tired and drained after contact with them. For some, it is a family member and others it is simply a friend whom for whatever reason you just can't shake. These people lurk everywhere. At work, school, and other various activities. A great quote was brought up from a Jewel song that says "Do not lend yourself to that which you wish to be free from." The obvious solution to these people in your life is to cut them loose and hope the door hits them on the way out. But as we all know, life is rarely so cut and dry. So then what?
Protect and block. If by some cruel twist of fate you are forced to deal with the soul sucking negativity of an energy vamp, it is up to you to take control of the situation in order to preserve your own sanity. One way to deflect is to simply tune them out when they start to overwhelm you with their drama. If you are like me and internalize everything however, this is somewhat more difficult. So, what to do. A mental arsenal needs to be built and odd as this may seem, people in the paranormal fields use this as well so as to not absorb negative energy. One method is to use a talismen. Carry an object around in your pocket that you can draw positive strength from. When your boss from hell starts laying into you grab hold of that small object and draw strength from it. My husband carries about a bullet casing from the 21 gun salute at his brothers funeral. Oddly enough, his death is not what is remembered when he touches it, but his brothers strength, fortitude, and the love he had for him. I have a few objects that I can draw strength from but I chose a different method usually.
A mental talismen, or state of mind, if visualized correctly, can act as a powerful shield against negative energy. My most powerful one is the one I call the Mother Bear. The most powerful love I have ever felt is the love I have for my children and the ones I love. I would break all rules and rationality for it and when threatened, it is a force to be reckoned with. Through many trials and tribulations I have learned to when I am hurt upset by others, it inadvertantly effects the ones I love negatively. That fierce protection instinct is my shield. When the negativity starts coming my way, I have to use this shield because I know that by letting it effect me, it will inevitably impact them and I will be damned if I will allow that.
I am by no means perfect at doing this and I still let people get to me way more than I should. But by practicing that visualization of invoking a powerful emotion as a tool, I believe I can become better. Many limits of the mind are unknown and untapped. But I believe that this is a useful skill set to have and since the mind is a muscle, it should be utilized in many capacities. In this case, it helps you to be a more positive person with a protected psyche.
Energy Vampires are those negative people that enter your life and their very presence in it can literally suck the energy from you and leave you feeling tired and drained after contact with them. For some, it is a family member and others it is simply a friend whom for whatever reason you just can't shake. These people lurk everywhere. At work, school, and other various activities. A great quote was brought up from a Jewel song that says "Do not lend yourself to that which you wish to be free from." The obvious solution to these people in your life is to cut them loose and hope the door hits them on the way out. But as we all know, life is rarely so cut and dry. So then what?
Protect and block. If by some cruel twist of fate you are forced to deal with the soul sucking negativity of an energy vamp, it is up to you to take control of the situation in order to preserve your own sanity. One way to deflect is to simply tune them out when they start to overwhelm you with their drama. If you are like me and internalize everything however, this is somewhat more difficult. So, what to do. A mental arsenal needs to be built and odd as this may seem, people in the paranormal fields use this as well so as to not absorb negative energy. One method is to use a talismen. Carry an object around in your pocket that you can draw positive strength from. When your boss from hell starts laying into you grab hold of that small object and draw strength from it. My husband carries about a bullet casing from the 21 gun salute at his brothers funeral. Oddly enough, his death is not what is remembered when he touches it, but his brothers strength, fortitude, and the love he had for him. I have a few objects that I can draw strength from but I chose a different method usually.
A mental talismen, or state of mind, if visualized correctly, can act as a powerful shield against negative energy. My most powerful one is the one I call the Mother Bear. The most powerful love I have ever felt is the love I have for my children and the ones I love. I would break all rules and rationality for it and when threatened, it is a force to be reckoned with. Through many trials and tribulations I have learned to when I am hurt upset by others, it inadvertantly effects the ones I love negatively. That fierce protection instinct is my shield. When the negativity starts coming my way, I have to use this shield because I know that by letting it effect me, it will inevitably impact them and I will be damned if I will allow that.
I am by no means perfect at doing this and I still let people get to me way more than I should. But by practicing that visualization of invoking a powerful emotion as a tool, I believe I can become better. Many limits of the mind are unknown and untapped. But I believe that this is a useful skill set to have and since the mind is a muscle, it should be utilized in many capacities. In this case, it helps you to be a more positive person with a protected psyche.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Finding a Balance
A friend of mine wrote a post today about saying what you mean and doing what you say and how this simple concept is not readily used in today's society. I have been thinking a lot about the world my children are entering into and I believe that we have gone a little to far in trying to protect our people and our children. She is right in what she said so I thought I would elaborate on it a bit.
The public school system in this country is a laughable joke, literally in some other countries. We have focused far too much attention on giving in to children's emotions, feelings, and social limitations that we have pretty much thrown learning out the window. I say this with firsthand knowledge, but teachers spend maybe 20% of their time teaching and the other 80% managing behavior. 50 years ago school was for learning, parents sided with the teacher, and corporal punishment was a real threat, kids learned something and there were no kids graduating without knowing how to read. Also sure that there were still bullies, learning disabilities and all other obstacles that kids face now but the majority came out relatively unscathyed.
Here is what our country needs to do in order to become better. Simplify, people. The government is too big and corrupt. Take it back to how our founding fathers had it. Criminals should not get off on technicalities. Erase technicalities. Stupid lawsuits for spilling hot coffee on yourself and other useless get rich quick schemes should not be tolorated and thrown out and ignored. Medical lawsuits should be done away with, drug companies should stop making silly cosmetic drugs like eyelash enhancers and lower the cost of their critical products, and doctors should go back to actually caring about the patients, not the healthcare companies and drup reps. This would eliminate the healthcare crisis in this country.
Just like driving, school should be a priveledge. You are being given an opportunity to better yourself. You want to show your ass and fool around and cause problems for that poor teacher all your classmates? Leave and don't come back. See how quick a parent can whip their kid into shape when they have to deal with their crap all day long and stay home with the little brat or find someone tolerant enough to do so. Parents need to go back to raising their kids and not pushing that responsibility off on day care and school systems. We need to take care of our elderly relatives too while we are at it. There are many family units these days but in trying to recognize all of them too many have lost the sense of family. That needs to be regained and quickly.
The government...oh this is a fun one. Quite simply, as an offical, you get paid the same as every other middle class blue collar worker out there and no one should be allowed to give themselves raises when being paid with government money. By simplifying the governement, your job becomes less. In 1776, our Congress and Senate was made up of forward minded candlemakers, printers, and farmers. That is where it needs to be again. Big businesses are TOO big and the word business literally claims to value primarily making as much income as possible. Business does not need to have any part in politics. We have so many choices now that we can afford to be selective without help from the government concerning what businesses we wish to back. We still may have taxation with representation but only barely. There is a tax on pretty much everything now. Pet tax, car tax, even tax on tax returns now. That needs to go. Tax the basics and move on with life. Maybe then our government will stop spending so much on petty frivolities and take a serious look at the budget and where it seriously should go.
We the people....that is written somewhere, is it not? We have become desensitized to what life is about. We have veered away from loving thy neighbor in a drastic way. Don't believe me? Ever watch those "What Would You Do" specials on TV? People walk right past a bad situation and only a few ever step forward to take action against it. Abortions, marraige, and all other social platforms should not be campaigning fodder. They are social so allow society to work that out on their own terms. We the people need to focus on gaining more as a community and less about trying to control every aspect of each others lives. This country is supposed to be a melting pot of not only different ethnicities but different ideologies as well. If this country wants to be better, we have to become more tolorant of each others beliefs and values. We have to scale down in a big way and stop trying to make so many rules that the system fails us. We have to stop overpaying musicians and athletes and start paying nurses and teachers. We, as a country, need to get our priorities strait and right now they are catywompus. One failed bomb attempt at an airport and we cannot bring water bottles through security. But how many school shootings have happened and still nothing done about that.
There will always be bad things out in this world. Murder, rape, poverty, bigotry, and corruption are all things that throughout the history of humanity have always been. It is likely they always will be. It is simply the balance of things. People in their self indulgent entitlement, have lost sight of the bigger picture. We all do, from time to time, but it seems to be trending more towards a permanant state of mind. What is wrong with this country is not the president, gun control, gay rights, or any other popular topic. It is the general attitude of it's citizens which needs to change before the history of this country repeats itself.
The public school system in this country is a laughable joke, literally in some other countries. We have focused far too much attention on giving in to children's emotions, feelings, and social limitations that we have pretty much thrown learning out the window. I say this with firsthand knowledge, but teachers spend maybe 20% of their time teaching and the other 80% managing behavior. 50 years ago school was for learning, parents sided with the teacher, and corporal punishment was a real threat, kids learned something and there were no kids graduating without knowing how to read. Also sure that there were still bullies, learning disabilities and all other obstacles that kids face now but the majority came out relatively unscathyed.
Here is what our country needs to do in order to become better. Simplify, people. The government is too big and corrupt. Take it back to how our founding fathers had it. Criminals should not get off on technicalities. Erase technicalities. Stupid lawsuits for spilling hot coffee on yourself and other useless get rich quick schemes should not be tolorated and thrown out and ignored. Medical lawsuits should be done away with, drug companies should stop making silly cosmetic drugs like eyelash enhancers and lower the cost of their critical products, and doctors should go back to actually caring about the patients, not the healthcare companies and drup reps. This would eliminate the healthcare crisis in this country.
Just like driving, school should be a priveledge. You are being given an opportunity to better yourself. You want to show your ass and fool around and cause problems for that poor teacher all your classmates? Leave and don't come back. See how quick a parent can whip their kid into shape when they have to deal with their crap all day long and stay home with the little brat or find someone tolerant enough to do so. Parents need to go back to raising their kids and not pushing that responsibility off on day care and school systems. We need to take care of our elderly relatives too while we are at it. There are many family units these days but in trying to recognize all of them too many have lost the sense of family. That needs to be regained and quickly.
The government...oh this is a fun one. Quite simply, as an offical, you get paid the same as every other middle class blue collar worker out there and no one should be allowed to give themselves raises when being paid with government money. By simplifying the governement, your job becomes less. In 1776, our Congress and Senate was made up of forward minded candlemakers, printers, and farmers. That is where it needs to be again. Big businesses are TOO big and the word business literally claims to value primarily making as much income as possible. Business does not need to have any part in politics. We have so many choices now that we can afford to be selective without help from the government concerning what businesses we wish to back. We still may have taxation with representation but only barely. There is a tax on pretty much everything now. Pet tax, car tax, even tax on tax returns now. That needs to go. Tax the basics and move on with life. Maybe then our government will stop spending so much on petty frivolities and take a serious look at the budget and where it seriously should go.
We the people....that is written somewhere, is it not? We have become desensitized to what life is about. We have veered away from loving thy neighbor in a drastic way. Don't believe me? Ever watch those "What Would You Do" specials on TV? People walk right past a bad situation and only a few ever step forward to take action against it. Abortions, marraige, and all other social platforms should not be campaigning fodder. They are social so allow society to work that out on their own terms. We the people need to focus on gaining more as a community and less about trying to control every aspect of each others lives. This country is supposed to be a melting pot of not only different ethnicities but different ideologies as well. If this country wants to be better, we have to become more tolorant of each others beliefs and values. We have to scale down in a big way and stop trying to make so many rules that the system fails us. We have to stop overpaying musicians and athletes and start paying nurses and teachers. We, as a country, need to get our priorities strait and right now they are catywompus. One failed bomb attempt at an airport and we cannot bring water bottles through security. But how many school shootings have happened and still nothing done about that.
There will always be bad things out in this world. Murder, rape, poverty, bigotry, and corruption are all things that throughout the history of humanity have always been. It is likely they always will be. It is simply the balance of things. People in their self indulgent entitlement, have lost sight of the bigger picture. We all do, from time to time, but it seems to be trending more towards a permanant state of mind. What is wrong with this country is not the president, gun control, gay rights, or any other popular topic. It is the general attitude of it's citizens which needs to change before the history of this country repeats itself.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Small Creatures Open Hearts
I have not written in a while and the reason why also happens to be the subject of this blog.
The weekend before Halloween was an event at the Latimer House on Victorian Mourning that myself and two other girls had been working on for months. Friday the 26th of October came around and we were bustling around the mansion in anticipation and some amount of concern over the approaching Hurricane Irene that was supposed to be effecting the weather that night and the rest of the weekend. Despite the rain, Friday night ran smoothly and we had a decent turnout for out event. At one point, I went outside to talk to Colleen on the porch when we all heard what sounded like a shriek and a squeak all at one time. It was followed by a group of young men walking in front of the house stopping and one of them stating "Dude, you stepped on a baby squirrel." At that, I ran out into the rain and dark only to find a small pathetic and extremely frightened baby squirrel no more than 5 weeks old shivering on the wet pavement. I immediately scooped him up, ignoring the warnings statements of danger of rabies around me, and took him inside (note: rodents are incapable of having rabies. Other diseases, yes, but that is not one of them). I found a cardboard box and some old dish towls and placed him inside to get warm. From the second I saw him frozen on the ground, that squirrel had my heart and I named him Empie, after one of the last members of the Latimer family to live in this mansion.
The weekend before Halloween was an event at the Latimer House on Victorian Mourning that myself and two other girls had been working on for months. Friday the 26th of October came around and we were bustling around the mansion in anticipation and some amount of concern over the approaching Hurricane Irene that was supposed to be effecting the weather that night and the rest of the weekend. Despite the rain, Friday night ran smoothly and we had a decent turnout for out event. At one point, I went outside to talk to Colleen on the porch when we all heard what sounded like a shriek and a squeak all at one time. It was followed by a group of young men walking in front of the house stopping and one of them stating "Dude, you stepped on a baby squirrel." At that, I ran out into the rain and dark only to find a small pathetic and extremely frightened baby squirrel no more than 5 weeks old shivering on the wet pavement. I immediately scooped him up, ignoring the warnings statements of danger of rabies around me, and took him inside (note: rodents are incapable of having rabies. Other diseases, yes, but that is not one of them). I found a cardboard box and some old dish towls and placed him inside to get warm. From the second I saw him frozen on the ground, that squirrel had my heart and I named him Empie, after one of the last members of the Latimer family to live in this mansion.
I was hesitant to put much hope into him lasting the night but immediately went to Wal-Mart and got kitten formula powder, a small hamster cage, and some blankets. Believe it or not, this was not my first squirrel. Eric had brought home a squirrel named Nuts about 7 years ago that we had taken care of but he had had a seizure and passed away. So every 3 to 4 hours, I fed that squirrel with a syringe, so diligently that he was brought to both work and church in the beginning of our time together so as to stay on his feeding schedule. As the weeks went by, he grew and grew and so did our love for each other. I became, in almost every respect, his mother, and he knew it.
He began to escape his cage and go looking around the house for me when I left. In fact, when he moved to a bigger cage, it was almost impossible to keep him contained in it since he would creep out and begin his search for Mom. When he couldnt find me, he inevitibly would return to the stack of his own personal blankets on top of his cage and snuggle down and wait for my return. Even when he was moved outside during the day so he could adapt to the outside, this is what he continued to do. When I was around, he was on me or Eric....constantly. I would cook dinner with a squirrel crawling from my shoulder to my back to my leg and then up to my head and so forth. When I ate breakfast, I did so one handed because my other hand was occupied in squirrel wrestling which he never tired of. When I sat on the couch, he would sit on me or run the length of it, terrorizing the cats as he did so. The cats never knew what to make of him because while intrigued by this small creature, they also knew of my attachment to it, and therefore, left him alone.
The beginning of this week, Empie started acting more reserved and not his typical wiggly, squirrelish self. He was no longer escaping his confines and looking for me. He did not run up and down my person as he usually did. I assumed he had a spill while outside during the day and was taking it easy, so I gave him some TLC, extra cuddle time and thought he would return to his usual self once he healed. Thursday night I held him in a blanket and snuggled him while sorting through the kids Christmas presents. At midnight I gave him kisses, told him I loved him and placed him in the nest he made out of a blanket. Yesterday morning, Eric awoke and found him still and cold, looking as if he was still dreaming. We are having him creamated and a pawprint made of my amazing little friend. Yes, he was a squirrel, but everyone that spent time with him adored him. He was the sweetest and most wonderful squirrel I have ever known and my heart aches because of the huge void that has been left in my life by this tiny creature who in such a short time, became such a large part of it. Rest in Peace Empie, my sweet angel squirrel.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Angels and Demons
Halloween is fast approaching and with it comes all the events and festivities that the start of the holiday season brings. Halloween however brings with it all the spooks and scary bumps in the night that thrill us over and over again. Most people that know me know I am a little odd and with that comes my newfound interest in the paranormal. While I write this even, I am reviewing EVP's or electromagnetic voice phenomenon from the battleship. Years ago I was a complete skeptic but in the past few years, I have been proven wrong in a series of several events.
Last night I was watching a television show which featured demons and demonic possession on several levels and once done, flipped over to the ABC show, Once Upon a Time that I had DVR'd and I had a wild and probably unprovable theory, linking the two. Here it is.
Catholic priests are trained in demonic possession and have been since the start of Christianity. There are records of such things and while exorcisms were probably practiced more unecessarily than not, I believe possession is possible, extremely rare, but possible. Before it was even written, tales of angels, demons, spirits, princes, princesses, dragons, faeries, magic and the supernatural have existed. These stories have been passed down from generation to generation and many from each genre have been written and elaborated on through the course of time.
Given that these stories have intermingled and often intertwined, I had a thought. What if the key to freeing a posessed soul from evil was a kiss? It worked for Sleeping Beauty and Snow White who were clearly under an evil spell. Even if you pull away from the fairy tales, the way to fight bad is with good, hate with love, the devil with God. For every ying there is a yang, a balance to be kept. Demonic posession is said to fill you with hate and evil. What better way to fight that than with a pure and good act of love?
The problem with this is, who in there right mind would even test this theory out? You come across a person acting posessed and the first thing you want to do is get as far away as possible, not pull them into a loving embrace. Not to mention you are battling forces unknown and if this theory proved to be be wrong, all involved could be in some serious trouble.
Ok my paranormal friends, and even my skeptics. Weigh in and tell me what you think.
Last night I was watching a television show which featured demons and demonic possession on several levels and once done, flipped over to the ABC show, Once Upon a Time that I had DVR'd and I had a wild and probably unprovable theory, linking the two. Here it is.
Catholic priests are trained in demonic possession and have been since the start of Christianity. There are records of such things and while exorcisms were probably practiced more unecessarily than not, I believe possession is possible, extremely rare, but possible. Before it was even written, tales of angels, demons, spirits, princes, princesses, dragons, faeries, magic and the supernatural have existed. These stories have been passed down from generation to generation and many from each genre have been written and elaborated on through the course of time.
Given that these stories have intermingled and often intertwined, I had a thought. What if the key to freeing a posessed soul from evil was a kiss? It worked for Sleeping Beauty and Snow White who were clearly under an evil spell. Even if you pull away from the fairy tales, the way to fight bad is with good, hate with love, the devil with God. For every ying there is a yang, a balance to be kept. Demonic posession is said to fill you with hate and evil. What better way to fight that than with a pure and good act of love?
The problem with this is, who in there right mind would even test this theory out? You come across a person acting posessed and the first thing you want to do is get as far away as possible, not pull them into a loving embrace. Not to mention you are battling forces unknown and if this theory proved to be be wrong, all involved could be in some serious trouble.
Ok my paranormal friends, and even my skeptics. Weigh in and tell me what you think.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Attachment Parenting
I want to start by saying that yes this is a blog about my own negative views on attachment parenting and no I am not condeming all those who use it, I just personally think it is stupid and if you think that what follows this will offend you, I ask you to now stop reading and read something more to your liking. With that said....
Yeah stupid and here is my example that has me going off on this particular subject today. Some of you may or may not know that I am a preschool teacher now working with toddlers. Today I saw a particularly sweet young girl who was rather grumpy and later found out that this child, her parents and sister all sleep in the same bed as part of their attachment parenting. But, they all go to bed together at the parents bedtime which is generally between midnight and 2am. This sleepy child then was roused in enought time to get her to school. It is a proven fact that young children infants through the toddler stage need anywhere from 10 to 14 hours of sleep a night. Don't believe me? Ask a pediatrician or 5. This child was two and never has near that amount of sleep because she has no bedtime and her parents are running on their own schedule which conflicts with their children and is having more of a negative impact than anything else.
Here is where my problem lies. Generally, the people I have notice practicing attachment parenting are bypassing their childs needs in order to follow this fad whose popularity has only recently grown to a recognizable level. Thing is, your child isn't a fad or a trendy accessory or attachement. They are a living breathing human being whose needs far exceed your own. In order to establish your child as a functional well adjusted part of society, there is no need for a parenting "type". You want your child to establish an attachement to you? Simply be a good parent and the rest will follow. What does this mean?
It means, children need sleep and lots of it so give it to them. They need their own space as well as time with others. They thrive on a schedule and need boundaries. Without this you get that kid you see in Wal Mart that makes you question the direction of mankind. They need healthy food to eat. Leading me into point two...breastfeeding. I did it with both my kids so I am very pro breastfeeding but like with everything, there are limits. Once a child is able to eat a steady normal diet to fullfill all nutritional needs, there no need for the nutritional value breastmilk holds. Nursing a child until they are 4 or 5 serves no purpose at all except to allow the mother to hold onto a bond that is no longer necessary. I mean really.....create a new way to bond and get used to it. You will proabably have to keep creating for the rest of your life because change happens and it is healthy.
With both these points, bedtime and breastfeeding, it would seem that attachement parenting is less about the kids and more of a way for a parent to fullfill their needs through their child. Many children I have come across being raised this way, either become normal people in spite of this rearing, same as all those that aren't, or they become people who are not self sufficient, have attachement and social disorders, and no boundaries.
I am not a perfect parent, there is no such creature. However, I believe in paying attention to my kids need and wants and instead of following a style of parenting, trying to understand and do what is best for them with the philosophy "all things in moderation". I don't need my kids to be overly attached to me and they sure as hell don't need that either. They need a mother that loves them and shows it in a variety of ways, encourages them to be independent and balanced. My kids and I don't need a rulebook on how to raise and be raised. We do things our own way and it works a hell of a lot better.
Yeah stupid and here is my example that has me going off on this particular subject today. Some of you may or may not know that I am a preschool teacher now working with toddlers. Today I saw a particularly sweet young girl who was rather grumpy and later found out that this child, her parents and sister all sleep in the same bed as part of their attachment parenting. But, they all go to bed together at the parents bedtime which is generally between midnight and 2am. This sleepy child then was roused in enought time to get her to school. It is a proven fact that young children infants through the toddler stage need anywhere from 10 to 14 hours of sleep a night. Don't believe me? Ask a pediatrician or 5. This child was two and never has near that amount of sleep because she has no bedtime and her parents are running on their own schedule which conflicts with their children and is having more of a negative impact than anything else.
Here is where my problem lies. Generally, the people I have notice practicing attachment parenting are bypassing their childs needs in order to follow this fad whose popularity has only recently grown to a recognizable level. Thing is, your child isn't a fad or a trendy accessory or attachement. They are a living breathing human being whose needs far exceed your own. In order to establish your child as a functional well adjusted part of society, there is no need for a parenting "type". You want your child to establish an attachement to you? Simply be a good parent and the rest will follow. What does this mean?
It means, children need sleep and lots of it so give it to them. They need their own space as well as time with others. They thrive on a schedule and need boundaries. Without this you get that kid you see in Wal Mart that makes you question the direction of mankind. They need healthy food to eat. Leading me into point two...breastfeeding. I did it with both my kids so I am very pro breastfeeding but like with everything, there are limits. Once a child is able to eat a steady normal diet to fullfill all nutritional needs, there no need for the nutritional value breastmilk holds. Nursing a child until they are 4 or 5 serves no purpose at all except to allow the mother to hold onto a bond that is no longer necessary. I mean really.....create a new way to bond and get used to it. You will proabably have to keep creating for the rest of your life because change happens and it is healthy.
With both these points, bedtime and breastfeeding, it would seem that attachement parenting is less about the kids and more of a way for a parent to fullfill their needs through their child. Many children I have come across being raised this way, either become normal people in spite of this rearing, same as all those that aren't, or they become people who are not self sufficient, have attachement and social disorders, and no boundaries.
I am not a perfect parent, there is no such creature. However, I believe in paying attention to my kids need and wants and instead of following a style of parenting, trying to understand and do what is best for them with the philosophy "all things in moderation". I don't need my kids to be overly attached to me and they sure as hell don't need that either. They need a mother that loves them and shows it in a variety of ways, encourages them to be independent and balanced. My kids and I don't need a rulebook on how to raise and be raised. We do things our own way and it works a hell of a lot better.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
I Want to Move to a Different Country
This afternoon my family and I arrived home from a week long journey of visiting family and friends starting in New York, making our way to Pennsylvania and our last visit placed us in Alexandria, VA. While the focus of this trip was family, I could not help but notice the people around me as they unknowingly displayed obnoxious after self absorbed displays of complete entitlement. None of this was more self evident than when these fine specimens of humanity attempted to drive.
The levels of ignorance and stupidity seem to increase when hitting the highway.The amazing part of driving over two thousand miles in a trip is watching traffic come to a grinding halt for absolutely no reason. There was no accident or construction for us. However at every exit, merging traffic or not, traffic came to a standstill. Then there were the left lane bandits and everyone has encountered them. These are the idiots whom, for whatever reason, ride the left lane going extremely slow and completely oblivious to the 20 cars attempting to pass them and shooting glaring looks as they do. Worse even is when they create a roadblock by riding side by side with a car or truck in the right lane going extremely slow and again, either don't care or ignore the ever growing number of cars that are slowly piling up behind them. When my blood began to boil, however was when passing said lane Nazi and shooting them your dirtiest look, they don't even see it. Why? Because they are texting on their phone of course as they do 60 in a 70 and traffic flow is averaging 78.
My other encounter happened at the grocery store with my one item standing at the checkout in front of a rather large woman also holding one item, a cake. Thinking this would be a quick trip, my friend and I waited patiently behind her. As soon as it became her turn, another woman followed by about 5 or 6 kids, pushes past us exclaiming "I'm wit her!!" Her cart is filled with a variety of junk food and several half eaten cookies as she takes her self presumed place in front of the cashier. Meanwhile, the kids are running amuck as she obliviously loads her goods on the counter. packs of gum are being thrown, opened and the front of the store is filled with yells and shouts from these imps. When one of the women seem to finally take notice of the children, they do nothing to stop the madness but instead have one of the older girls scream in the face of the line jumper "I WANT SOME GUM NOW!!". This loud, insolent demand was met with her requested reward for such blatently rude behavior. When they finally did leave, the once tidy area was in disaray and not one person said a word, simply exchanged looks of disapproval.
Has society always been this self serving and entitled and I was not aware of it or is it indeed getting progressively worse? This problem infiltrates every aspect of our lives from politics to grocery trips. People need to stop being so self absorbed and start becoming more self aware as well as paying attention to their surroundings and start holding themselves accountable for their choices and actions. Sounds easy but the majority of the population has yet to do it. I wholeheartedly believe that this simple shift as a personal goal for everyone could make a huge difference towards making this world a better place. Most of us already know how, it is simply a matter of acting on it and becoming more aware of your choices, actions and others.
The levels of ignorance and stupidity seem to increase when hitting the highway.The amazing part of driving over two thousand miles in a trip is watching traffic come to a grinding halt for absolutely no reason. There was no accident or construction for us. However at every exit, merging traffic or not, traffic came to a standstill. Then there were the left lane bandits and everyone has encountered them. These are the idiots whom, for whatever reason, ride the left lane going extremely slow and completely oblivious to the 20 cars attempting to pass them and shooting glaring looks as they do. Worse even is when they create a roadblock by riding side by side with a car or truck in the right lane going extremely slow and again, either don't care or ignore the ever growing number of cars that are slowly piling up behind them. When my blood began to boil, however was when passing said lane Nazi and shooting them your dirtiest look, they don't even see it. Why? Because they are texting on their phone of course as they do 60 in a 70 and traffic flow is averaging 78.
My other encounter happened at the grocery store with my one item standing at the checkout in front of a rather large woman also holding one item, a cake. Thinking this would be a quick trip, my friend and I waited patiently behind her. As soon as it became her turn, another woman followed by about 5 or 6 kids, pushes past us exclaiming "I'm wit her!!" Her cart is filled with a variety of junk food and several half eaten cookies as she takes her self presumed place in front of the cashier. Meanwhile, the kids are running amuck as she obliviously loads her goods on the counter. packs of gum are being thrown, opened and the front of the store is filled with yells and shouts from these imps. When one of the women seem to finally take notice of the children, they do nothing to stop the madness but instead have one of the older girls scream in the face of the line jumper "I WANT SOME GUM NOW!!". This loud, insolent demand was met with her requested reward for such blatently rude behavior. When they finally did leave, the once tidy area was in disaray and not one person said a word, simply exchanged looks of disapproval.
Has society always been this self serving and entitled and I was not aware of it or is it indeed getting progressively worse? This problem infiltrates every aspect of our lives from politics to grocery trips. People need to stop being so self absorbed and start becoming more self aware as well as paying attention to their surroundings and start holding themselves accountable for their choices and actions. Sounds easy but the majority of the population has yet to do it. I wholeheartedly believe that this simple shift as a personal goal for everyone could make a huge difference towards making this world a better place. Most of us already know how, it is simply a matter of acting on it and becoming more aware of your choices, actions and others.
Monday, July 2, 2012
San Antonio
I am sitting here at the airport in
San Antonio Texas slightly early so the three of us could split a cab and say
our goodbyes together. Such is the life of a traveling pauper. Anyway, I
thought I would take this opportunity to reflect and write about this trip, its
original purpose, all it's adventures and the journey taken.
This all started out as a
serendipitous adventure I was intending to take to Vegas but as it turns out
that trip never happened and would have been disastrous anyway. SO I took the
flight credit and pondered what to do with it. A night with Barbara talking
about the internal hardships we were both facing as well as our other mutual
friends, we realized it would be beneficial and was actually necessary to recapture
ourselves and the best way to do that was together.
In 2005, our friend Jonna moved to
Texas from North Carolina and out of our group of 5, the 4 went and stopped in
San Antonio and I did not on account of a memorable family road trip I was
taking out west with my own family. They had a blast and the trip to this day
is still remembered and talked about fondly. This time, only 4 were able to go
again but this time, I was one of the lucky ones able to make the trip
possible. It was simply wonderful how easily everything fell into place and
soon the trip was upon us.
From an outsiders perspective this
was an impulsive and less than lucrative trip, being that we were all in a
financial pinch of sorts and had obligations at home which demanded our attention.
But what we were beginning to realize is that those very things along with
others were beginning to take their toll and for at least three of us, the
effects of that stress were severe to the point that they were beginning to
physically impact us as well. We needed each other. Since I was 17 years old we
have needed and relied on each other for a strength and solace that only the
others can provide. The fact that we all realized it and had an imperative need
at the same time could not go unrecognized and had to be rectified. Hence, the
trip.
No
doubt, we had fun. Get this bunch together and there is always a good time
regardless of location or atmosphere because we make our own and raise a few
eyebrows and gain a few stares in the process. But the first morning together
in the pool started our re bonding, talking and healing. The common thread for
all of us was this. Our roles in life have consumed far too much of our
attention and we lost sight of ourselves just a little. Expectations, emotions
and insecurities have been allowed to get the best of us. The positive light
was fading and we knew we could help each other to bring it back and we did.
A
few things happened for me and as for the other extraordinary women; I will let
them tell their parts, should they feel so inclined. After our first day by the
pool and the conversations that took place, I started feeling better about
myself. Due to recent drama and thoughts and feelings that are forever in my
head, I have recently had my feelings of "not being good enough"
magnified. It is my own personal weakness but I never felt pretty enough, smart
enough, good enough in my roles in life, skinny enough, strong enough, etc.
Poolside I learned I was not alone and when I learned that these women felt the
same and we shared our thoughts on why and our experiences, that heavy feeling
of all those negatives started to lift and by the time I went up to the room to
shower, I felt I had washed a lot of that negativity away. Looking back at all
the pictures we took, I can see a physical change in my appearance as well.
Usually, like most women do, I tear my image apart ("my thighs look
huge", "Dear god, I look pregnant!" type of thing). This time, I
simply could not get past the look on my face in my photos. I was happy and
carefree and most importantly, I was simply me.
Now
this isn't to say I am miserable looking all other times, I am not. In fact,
this trip has led me to see that I have a blessed life. My support from my
grandparents and my husband made this trip a possibility for me. My children
are about as close to perfect as children can be. My own untapped and vast
potential has been recognized and however daunting, I have so many
possibilities ahead of me. It was always there, I just had trouble seeing it
through the shroud of endless responsibilities and self doubt.
So
thank you, San Antonio and my 3 beautiful friends. Thank you for letting us
look at ourselves and each other in a fresh new light. Thank you riverwalk and
Cowboy's Dance Hall for letting us get a little wild and free. Thank you Alamo
for reminding me of this nation’s history and of complete and true sacrifice.
Thank you to the 3 missions visited for granting me a strange inner peace, and
thank you Jonna, Barbara, and Melissa for allowing me to be me and loving me
for it always, for crazy laughs until Barbara ends up snorting uncontrollably,
for sharing a small mirror and 1 bathroom with 3 other women, letting me get accosted
at night by an Alamo cop, being my lookouts when I once again, roam outside
legal borders, creating an adventure by losing car keys in a walled in field as
it closes, and overall by being the strong, beautiful, intelligent women I have
come to love and respect more than anything.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Fight or Flight
So I am in a position where I want to do what is best for me and at the same time, what is the right thing to do but I simply do not know what either entails so I am calling upon the few people that read this to help me out.
Most of us have been in a same or similar situation with an ex boyfriend, ex friend, co worker, etc where a disagreement turns into a full fledged war or words and before you know it, you are no longer on speaking terms. However, they decide to take it one step further and trash talk you and attempt to destroy your reputation within your same said circle or group. In my case, I have no idea what is even being said but the little I have heard is 100% false and I have gotten scathing emails from someone who went from zero to bitch in no time flat, and a bunch of removed and blocked "friends" from Facebook. What to do.
There is the phrase "the best revenge is living well" which is all well and good but the thing is that this particular instigator doesn't care if I live well or not, he just wants me out of his particular realm and I have no clue what he is doing , but it seems to be working. I feel like walking away makes me look guilty of whatever it is he is saying and he becomes effective in removing me from this specific community. However, ignoring it removes me from the drama and allows me some time to focus on the positive. SO I am stuck.
I tried to fight back by explaining how most of these lies I know about don't even make sense but it all falls on deaf ears. It would help if I knew what exactly was being said and done, but I don't. All I know is I am being trashed and my defenses are low enough as it is. I tried using the truth to my advantage but am having trouble since people seem to feel compelled to rally around someone who clearly uses others and is not a good person in general. Even knowing his faults and falling prey to them at times, these people still champion him on and I am bewildered by it. The one person who has a right to be upset with me in all this is my husband and while he is upset, he still takes my side and is angry on my behalf, which I would think says something to the whole mess, but apparently not. It does tell me however that I have the most understanding and loving man on the planet for a husband.
So again, what do I do and how do I do it? This moron's reputation is the most important thing to him which makes it an obvious kill shot but how? Or do I take the high road, ignore the whole thing and try to be the bigger person and move on (if you have ever been in this position you know how hard that is)? Either way, I hope he knows that crossing paths with me from here until the day he dies is now perilous. Spreading lies and rumors from behind a keyboard is easy. Actually facing a pissed off Arwyn is a whole different story.
Most of us have been in a same or similar situation with an ex boyfriend, ex friend, co worker, etc where a disagreement turns into a full fledged war or words and before you know it, you are no longer on speaking terms. However, they decide to take it one step further and trash talk you and attempt to destroy your reputation within your same said circle or group. In my case, I have no idea what is even being said but the little I have heard is 100% false and I have gotten scathing emails from someone who went from zero to bitch in no time flat, and a bunch of removed and blocked "friends" from Facebook. What to do.
There is the phrase "the best revenge is living well" which is all well and good but the thing is that this particular instigator doesn't care if I live well or not, he just wants me out of his particular realm and I have no clue what he is doing , but it seems to be working. I feel like walking away makes me look guilty of whatever it is he is saying and he becomes effective in removing me from this specific community. However, ignoring it removes me from the drama and allows me some time to focus on the positive. SO I am stuck.
I tried to fight back by explaining how most of these lies I know about don't even make sense but it all falls on deaf ears. It would help if I knew what exactly was being said and done, but I don't. All I know is I am being trashed and my defenses are low enough as it is. I tried using the truth to my advantage but am having trouble since people seem to feel compelled to rally around someone who clearly uses others and is not a good person in general. Even knowing his faults and falling prey to them at times, these people still champion him on and I am bewildered by it. The one person who has a right to be upset with me in all this is my husband and while he is upset, he still takes my side and is angry on my behalf, which I would think says something to the whole mess, but apparently not. It does tell me however that I have the most understanding and loving man on the planet for a husband.
So again, what do I do and how do I do it? This moron's reputation is the most important thing to him which makes it an obvious kill shot but how? Or do I take the high road, ignore the whole thing and try to be the bigger person and move on (if you have ever been in this position you know how hard that is)? Either way, I hope he knows that crossing paths with me from here until the day he dies is now perilous. Spreading lies and rumors from behind a keyboard is easy. Actually facing a pissed off Arwyn is a whole different story.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Damn You Memorial Day
This is my sister. At times we hate each other, mock each other, yell at and chastise each other. But always we love each other and when one of us is in trouble or needs advice, the other is one of the first people we turn to. This morning I went to church with my mother to sing. It is really the only purpose for me to ever go is to sing and make other people happy. Most people know I am not the religous sort at all. The last psalm was a memorial day song about protecting those at sea, on land, and the last verse was about protecting those in the air. It was at this point I watched my mother start to shake and I reached for her hand. A few seconds later she broke down completly and so did I and we sat in the front pew with tears streaming down our faces.
Tomorrow is Memorial Day which for most is a time to honor those lost in the line of duty. For this family, tomorrow will be when we say our last goodbye to my sister and hope to god she doesn't joint those ranks. Tomorrow, Captain Misha Harrell of the United States Air Force will be in Norfolk awaiting transfer to the desert where she will serve as a flight surgeon for 6 months.
She described her station in the cockpit of a C 140 as a small shelf that they stick her in because she is tiny and fits. While singing that stupid song all I could picture is her gaunt little frame shoved into a small confined space hoping someone doesn't shoot her out of the sky. This is probably not her veiwpoint but I can imagine it crosses her mind from time to time up there. This image brings tears to my eyes and while I am proud of her, as her big sister, I am scared as hell for her too. I am helpless. When we were little and someone picked on her, I fought them on her behalf. When a boy broke her heart, I let him have every sharp word in my vocabulary, and now she is in the most danger she has ever been in and I can do nothing, separated by an ocean and several continents.
So tomorrow take time to remember those that died but also take time to remember those who are trying not to die but charge forward into the fray nonetheless. Take time to remember my sister and so many like her who are about to face battle and war for the first time. I don't believe in religion but many of you do. I also know that lately, all the things I thought I knew were never really true anyway so hey, what the hell do I know? If you think prayer works, then say many for my sister and those with her. If you believe in the power of persuasive thinking, use that too. Me, I am going to tell her tomorrow to be strong and know she is loved. I am going to tell her there is no shame in running and to run like hell. I am going to tell her to save as many lives as possible and even if it is just one, it will be enough. And while she is there, I am going to give her as many reminders as I can of what and who she is fighting for.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Don't Pay Any Attention to the Man Behind the Gay Curtain
So the day has come to vote on Amendment One and the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. I will go and vote of course but only because I have to, not because I want to. I have to because someone needs to stand up for what's right and oftentimes, that someone falls within the minority so you need all the help you can get. In this case, I hope I am wrong. I am hoping that this country is not so regressive that intolerance and bigotry wins out over what shouldn't even be an issue.
Just like the wizard behind the curtain, our government has created the illusion that Amendment One is a big deal. Bigger than, unemployment, deficits that they have caused, budget cuts, mis allocation of funds on their part, wars across the world where people like my sister are sent to die for a cause that doesn't even exist. No, they have made marrying the person you love into a "problem". This is the smokescreen and it is a lose lose situation for those of us that want to see real change affected. Don't get me wrong, this is important for the lives of so many good people, but we have allowed the government to dip it's hand into this pot that it never had any business being in. And now instead of fixing real problems, they go after the insitution of marriage and try to break it down rather than seeing it for what it should be. Two PEOPLE that love and care for one another wanting to spend the rest of their lives together and have a family in a legally recognized way.
So vote today but then we need to move forward and as the public it is our duty to try to curb political corruption as much as possible and instead of voting for parties, start voting for someone who is willing to face real issues head on do what is right for the people of this country.
After a conversation this morning, I feel I need to add a little more to this. There is a separation of church and state for a reason and this is a prime example of it. Whatever your religious beliefs are concerning marraige, this amandment still does not constitute favor. By voting for it you are denying other American citizens healthcare benefits, tax breaks, and more simply because of sexual orientation. The children of same sex couples will suffer for this as well. God forbid something happens to one parent. That surviving spouse is then in danger of losing their love and their child. This also effects people that are not even gay. Unmarried women who are physically abused will not have the same protection as ones that are married to their abuser. So I am imploring that we put aside religion for just one day and think about the governmental rights of those who are threatened by the implications of this.
Just like the wizard behind the curtain, our government has created the illusion that Amendment One is a big deal. Bigger than, unemployment, deficits that they have caused, budget cuts, mis allocation of funds on their part, wars across the world where people like my sister are sent to die for a cause that doesn't even exist. No, they have made marrying the person you love into a "problem". This is the smokescreen and it is a lose lose situation for those of us that want to see real change affected. Don't get me wrong, this is important for the lives of so many good people, but we have allowed the government to dip it's hand into this pot that it never had any business being in. And now instead of fixing real problems, they go after the insitution of marriage and try to break it down rather than seeing it for what it should be. Two PEOPLE that love and care for one another wanting to spend the rest of their lives together and have a family in a legally recognized way.
So vote today but then we need to move forward and as the public it is our duty to try to curb political corruption as much as possible and instead of voting for parties, start voting for someone who is willing to face real issues head on do what is right for the people of this country.
After a conversation this morning, I feel I need to add a little more to this. There is a separation of church and state for a reason and this is a prime example of it. Whatever your religious beliefs are concerning marraige, this amandment still does not constitute favor. By voting for it you are denying other American citizens healthcare benefits, tax breaks, and more simply because of sexual orientation. The children of same sex couples will suffer for this as well. God forbid something happens to one parent. That surviving spouse is then in danger of losing their love and their child. This also effects people that are not even gay. Unmarried women who are physically abused will not have the same protection as ones that are married to their abuser. So I am imploring that we put aside religion for just one day and think about the governmental rights of those who are threatened by the implications of this.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
The Importance of Facebook
Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our own problems and emotions that we fail to see through to the reality of the situation. Such was my reasoning behind taking the shortest break in history last night and while the rationale behind it may not make sense to most of you, it made sense in my head at the time which is a habit of mine that gets me into these situations.
In my case, I trusted someone whom shouldn't have trusted and ignored all the warnings from others that he only cares about his own hide. So, against all that I decided to not heed the warnings of others and all the alarms going off in my head and it ended up badly for me. It ALWAYS ends up badly for me and like Bart Simpson with an electrified cupcake, I got zapped. Time to start learning or as Dana tells me "put on my big girl panties". Funny part is that my being upset has now spurred him to be offended, angry and upset that I dare be anything but happy to be screwed over.
So, here is where I stand now. First off, don't play with fire if you don't know how hot it burns and as my close friends can tell you, when hurt, I can become nuclear. It isn't who I am but it is right there underneath as it is in all the women in my family. You can't set off a firecracker and blame the damn thing when it explodes. Second, when I go down, I go down hard, but when I get up again you better get the hell out of the way. I may not be as smart as the rest of my family but I am creative and cunning and those features create a worthy advisary if one chooses to make me an enemy. Third, you bested me once and it will not happen again. No more will be taken and the whole degredating experience only makes me more determined to rise up better and stronger.
Lastly, as Dana reminded me, I am going to be fine. There is a reason your close circle is so small. It is because the world is full of people willing to take advantage of you when you are in a weak moment, doubting yourself, your situation in life, and what to do about it. That smal circle of people though stand by to help you past all that and will stay up with you when you cry, drink with you when you are frustrated and talk to you for hours on the phone and listen to you verbally sort your thoughts out. A solid support group is something I have that he never will and while I have taken it for granted many times, I am always grateful and reliant on it being there. Facebook broadens that for me and allows me to reach my friend I can't call in England and the one I miss so much in Texas who is so busy making a difference in this world.
My removal of Facebook was because I was ashamed of being bested once again. Ashamed that I let myself be sucked into dramatic games I never had any business playing. He feels justified in his actions but in the end, life will catch up to him and maybe, just maybe, the asshat will learn he wasn't.
In my case, I trusted someone whom shouldn't have trusted and ignored all the warnings from others that he only cares about his own hide. So, against all that I decided to not heed the warnings of others and all the alarms going off in my head and it ended up badly for me. It ALWAYS ends up badly for me and like Bart Simpson with an electrified cupcake, I got zapped. Time to start learning or as Dana tells me "put on my big girl panties". Funny part is that my being upset has now spurred him to be offended, angry and upset that I dare be anything but happy to be screwed over.
So, here is where I stand now. First off, don't play with fire if you don't know how hot it burns and as my close friends can tell you, when hurt, I can become nuclear. It isn't who I am but it is right there underneath as it is in all the women in my family. You can't set off a firecracker and blame the damn thing when it explodes. Second, when I go down, I go down hard, but when I get up again you better get the hell out of the way. I may not be as smart as the rest of my family but I am creative and cunning and those features create a worthy advisary if one chooses to make me an enemy. Third, you bested me once and it will not happen again. No more will be taken and the whole degredating experience only makes me more determined to rise up better and stronger.
Lastly, as Dana reminded me, I am going to be fine. There is a reason your close circle is so small. It is because the world is full of people willing to take advantage of you when you are in a weak moment, doubting yourself, your situation in life, and what to do about it. That smal circle of people though stand by to help you past all that and will stay up with you when you cry, drink with you when you are frustrated and talk to you for hours on the phone and listen to you verbally sort your thoughts out. A solid support group is something I have that he never will and while I have taken it for granted many times, I am always grateful and reliant on it being there. Facebook broadens that for me and allows me to reach my friend I can't call in England and the one I miss so much in Texas who is so busy making a difference in this world.
My removal of Facebook was because I was ashamed of being bested once again. Ashamed that I let myself be sucked into dramatic games I never had any business playing. He feels justified in his actions but in the end, life will catch up to him and maybe, just maybe, the asshat will learn he wasn't.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I haven't written on this in a while because I have been living in this facade that I thought was me getting involved in something and becoming excited about life again and today I was hit with the realization that it was nothing more than being used once again. I am so tired of constantly seeking the best in people only to be let down time and time again. Constantly thinking people genuinely like me only to find out they could care less whether I live or die. It hurts too damn much when you are let down, knowing that while you are crushed they walk away unscythed. I was just starting to think I had a handle on what was up and now very little makes sense anymore. I don't want to be here. I haven't wanted to be here in a while. I have had this stupid blog here for over a year and only a handful of people even read the fucking thing. Everybody says they care about you but most of them don't. Most will never even realize when you are gone. They only say it because they thing it is the PC thing to say or it makes them sound better, all of which has nothing to do with anyone but themselves. It's funny how when you get angry at someone for letting you down or hurting you, they come back at you with anger instead of simply realizing they made you feel this way and righting that wrong is all you ever really wanted anyway. I am done. I am done trusting people who do not deserve it and thinking optimistically about their intentions. I am just simply done.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
A Nice Day for a White Wedding
Five years ago today I was getting so excited for my first trip to Las Vegas. So many changes were about to happen to me. Five months prior, my boyfriend bought a ring. Two months later, he proposed with it and we found out we were going to be parents. A big wedding really wasn't feasable and so my husband to be proposed a small wedding in Vegas and it was set. We found a chapel that would stream our wedding on the internet so that the majority of family and friends who could not make it in person could still experience the occasion. It was so easy to plan. We bought a package through the chapel and tailored it to our needs. Two years prior to all of this, on a crazy whim, I bought a wedding dress and swore to my friend that was with me that I would marry Eric in it. She had given me the "Your insane. He hasn't even proposed yet." look but supported my decision anyway. Well, this dress was a size four and while the top part still fit, my stomach was starting to show. So, my wonderful seamstress aunt, helped me to let it out so it fit.
We boarded the plane and after several hours of flying over nothing but desert and mountains, there finally shimmers an oasis before us.
We met Sheldon, the best man, at the airport and took a shuttle to our pyramid hotel and casino, the Luxor.
There we met up with the three other guests that made up our wedding party. They took off for a ball game and we made final arrangements including going to the Clarke County courthouse to obtain our license and picked up a tux.
We all met back in the spa suite where the boys stayed and the girls went out for dinner.
The next morning we ordered extravagant room service and I went downstairs to the salon and spa to get primped while the girls went shopping. I was the frist to arrive back at the room and quietly slipped into my dress and looked out the window for a while, taking it all in. The busy city below me excited me and yet the enormity of what I was about to do never once gave me the jitters. When my friends returned, Dana did my makeup and we went downstairs to the lobby. As I made my way to the waiting limo, I got cheers and applause which put a big grin on my face. I was getting married!!
We arrived at the Little Chapel of the Flowers where I met with the minister and we discussed the ceremony. I signed my name on the dotted line and Dana signed hers. She then took me by the arm and we took a deep breath and I half hopped, half walked down the aisle towards my smiling groom.
The ceremony in it's entirety took about 8 minutes. During most of that I wore this nervious smile and for the life of my I don't know why. But as soon as I heard the words "pronounce you husband and wife", that expression faded and the happy cheeseball grin returned. After 4 1/2 years with this man, I was now his wife.
Photo time came and went and we went back to the hotel to change and see about dinner. Alas, we made a grave error. When in Vegas on a Saturday night, make reservations. We assumed that with all the restaurants and all the choices, we didn't need to......yeah, you need to. We eventually did find a decent spot at Mandalay Bay and after an almost 2 hour wait. We dropped the most money we have ever spent on a dinner and baby Jason decided to make me throw up a perfectly wonderful $65 steak but it was still a wonderful meal. The night didn't end there. Dana and Brian had a memorable wedding gift in store for us and we made our way up the Las Vegas Strip to see Cirque de Soliel's Zumanity at New York, New York. The show was incredible. Aerialists performing unreal stunts,topless contortionists, and an artisty all it's own. The evening ended with a return to our Egyptian themed paradise and a wonderful first night's sleep with the man I now get to spend the rest of my life with.
(for more pictures and a video, they are on Facebook =)
We boarded the plane and after several hours of flying over nothing but desert and mountains, there finally shimmers an oasis before us.
We met Sheldon, the best man, at the airport and took a shuttle to our pyramid hotel and casino, the Luxor.
There we met up with the three other guests that made up our wedding party. They took off for a ball game and we made final arrangements including going to the Clarke County courthouse to obtain our license and picked up a tux.
We all met back in the spa suite where the boys stayed and the girls went out for dinner.
The next morning we ordered extravagant room service and I went downstairs to the salon and spa to get primped while the girls went shopping. I was the frist to arrive back at the room and quietly slipped into my dress and looked out the window for a while, taking it all in. The busy city below me excited me and yet the enormity of what I was about to do never once gave me the jitters. When my friends returned, Dana did my makeup and we went downstairs to the lobby. As I made my way to the waiting limo, I got cheers and applause which put a big grin on my face. I was getting married!!
We arrived at the Little Chapel of the Flowers where I met with the minister and we discussed the ceremony. I signed my name on the dotted line and Dana signed hers. She then took me by the arm and we took a deep breath and I half hopped, half walked down the aisle towards my smiling groom.
The ceremony in it's entirety took about 8 minutes. During most of that I wore this nervious smile and for the life of my I don't know why. But as soon as I heard the words "pronounce you husband and wife", that expression faded and the happy cheeseball grin returned. After 4 1/2 years with this man, I was now his wife.
(for more pictures and a video, they are on Facebook =)
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