Damn You Memorial Day

      
This is my sister.  At times we hate each other, mock each other, yell at and chastise each other. But always we love each other and when one of us is in trouble or needs advice, the other is one of the first people we turn to.  This morning I went to church with my mother to sing.  It is really the only purpose for me to ever go is to sing and make other people happy.  Most people know I am not the religous sort at all.  The last psalm was a memorial day song about protecting those at sea, on land, and the last verse was about protecting those in the air. It was at this point I watched my mother start to shake and I reached for her hand.  A few seconds later she broke down completly and so did I and we sat in the front pew with tears streaming down our faces.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day which for most is a time to honor those lost in the line of duty.  For this family, tomorrow will be when we say our last goodbye to my sister and hope to god she doesn't joint those ranks.  Tomorrow, Captain Misha Harrell of the United States Air Force will be in Norfolk awaiting transfer to the desert where she will serve as a flight surgeon for 6 months.

She described her station in the cockpit of a C 140 as a small shelf that they stick her in because she is tiny and fits. While singing that stupid song all I could picture is her gaunt little frame shoved into a small confined space hoping someone doesn't shoot her out of the sky.  This is probably not her veiwpoint but I can imagine it crosses her mind from time to time up there. This image brings tears to my eyes and while I am proud of her, as her big sister, I am scared as hell for her too.  I am helpless.  When we were little and someone picked on her, I fought them on her behalf.  When a boy broke her heart, I let him have every sharp word in my vocabulary, and now she is in the most danger she has ever been in and I can do nothing, separated by an ocean and  several continents.

So tomorrow take time to remember those that died but also take time to remember those who are trying not to die but charge forward into the fray nonetheless.  Take time to remember my sister and so many like her who are about to face battle and war for the first time.  I don't believe in religion but many of you do.  I also know that lately, all the things I thought I knew were never really true anyway so hey, what the hell do I know? If you think prayer works, then say many for my sister and those with her. If you believe in the power of persuasive thinking, use that too.  Me, I am going to tell her tomorrow to be strong and know she is loved.  I am going to tell her there is no shame in running and to run like hell. I am going to tell her to save as many lives as possible and even if it is just one, it will be enough. And while she is there, I am going to give her as many reminders as I can of what and who she is fighting for.

Don't Pay Any Attention to the Man Behind the Gay Curtain

So the day has come to vote on Amendment One and the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.  I will go and vote of course but only because I have to, not because I want to.  I have to because someone needs to stand up for what's right and oftentimes, that someone falls within the minority so you need all the help you can get.  In this case, I hope I am wrong.  I am hoping that this country is not so regressive that intolerance and bigotry wins out over what shouldn't even be an issue.
Just like the wizard behind the curtain, our government has created the illusion that Amendment One is a big deal. Bigger than, unemployment, deficits that they have caused, budget cuts, mis allocation of funds on their part, wars across the world where people like my sister are sent to die for a cause that doesn't even exist. No, they have made marrying the person you love into a "problem".  This is the smokescreen and it is a lose lose situation for those of us that want to see real change affected. Don't get me wrong, this is important for the lives of so many good people, but we have allowed the government to dip it's hand into this pot that it never had any business being in.  And now instead of fixing real problems, they go after the insitution of marriage and try to break it down rather than seeing it for what it should be.  Two PEOPLE that love and care for one another wanting to spend the rest of their lives together and have a family in a legally recognized way.
So vote today but then we need to move forward and as the public it is our duty to try to curb political corruption as much as possible and instead of voting for parties, start voting for someone who is willing to face real issues head on do what is right for the people of this country.

After a conversation this morning, I feel I need to add a little more to this.  There is a separation of church and state for a reason and this is a prime example of it.  Whatever your religious beliefs are concerning marraige, this amandment still does not constitute favor.  By voting for it you are denying other American citizens healthcare benefits, tax breaks, and more simply because of sexual orientation.  The children of same sex couples will suffer for this as well. God forbid something happens to one parent.  That surviving spouse is then in danger of losing their love and their child.  This also effects people that are not even gay.  Unmarried women who are physically abused will not have the same protection as ones that are married to their abuser. So I am imploring that we put aside religion for just one day and think about the governmental rights of those who are threatened by the implications of this.

The Importance of Facebook

Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our own problems and emotions that we fail to see through to the reality of the situation.  Such was my reasoning behind taking the shortest break in history last night and while the rationale behind it may not make sense to most of you, it made sense in my head at the time which is a habit of mine that gets me into these situations. 
 In my case, I trusted someone whom  shouldn't have trusted and ignored all the warnings from others that he only cares about his own hide.  So, against all that I decided to not heed the warnings of others and all the alarms going off in my head and it ended up badly for me. It ALWAYS ends up badly for me and like Bart Simpson with an electrified cupcake, I got zapped.  Time to start learning or as Dana tells me "put on my big girl panties". Funny part is that my being upset has now spurred him to be offended, angry and upset that I dare be anything but happy to be screwed over.
So, here is where I stand now.  First off, don't play with fire if you don't know how hot it burns and as my close friends can tell you, when hurt, I can become nuclear.  It isn't who I am but it is right there underneath as it is in all the women in my family.  You can't set off a firecracker and blame the damn thing when it explodes. Second, when I go down, I go down hard, but when I get up again you better get the hell out of the way. I may not be as smart as the rest of my family but I am creative and cunning and those features create a worthy advisary if one chooses to make me an enemy.  Third, you bested me once and it will not happen again.  No more will be taken and the whole degredating experience only makes me more determined to rise up better and stronger.
Lastly, as Dana reminded me, I am going to be fine.  There is a reason your close circle is so small.  It is because the world is full of people willing to take advantage of you when you are in a weak moment, doubting yourself, your situation in life, and what to do about it.  That smal circle of people though stand by to help you past all that and will stay up with you when you cry, drink with you when you are frustrated and talk to you for hours on the phone and listen to you verbally sort your thoughts out. A solid support group is something I have that he never will and while I have taken it for granted many times, I am always grateful and reliant on it being there.  Facebook broadens that for me and allows me to reach my friend I can't call in England and the one I miss so much in Texas who is so busy making a difference in this world.
My removal of Facebook was because I was ashamed of being bested once again.  Ashamed that I let myself be sucked into dramatic games I never had any business playing. He feels justified in his actions but in the end, life will catch up to him and maybe, just maybe, the asshat will learn he wasn't.

I haven't written on this in a while because I have been living in this facade that I thought was me getting involved in something and becoming excited about life again and today I was hit with the realization that it was nothing more than being used once again.  I am so tired of constantly seeking the best in people only to be let down time and time again. Constantly thinking people genuinely like me only to find out they could care less whether I live or die.  It hurts too damn much when you are let down, knowing that while you are crushed they walk away unscythed. I was just starting to think I had a handle on what was up and now very little makes sense anymore. I don't want to be here.  I haven't wanted to be here in a while.  I have had this stupid blog here for over a year and only a handful of people even read the fucking thing. Everybody says they care about you but most of them don't. Most will never even realize when you are gone. They only say it because they thing it is the PC thing to say or it makes them sound better, all of which has nothing to do with anyone but themselves. It's funny how when you get angry at someone for letting you down or hurting you, they come back at you with anger instead of simply realizing they made you feel this way and righting that wrong is all you ever really wanted anyway.  I am done.  I am done trusting people who do not deserve it and thinking optimistically about their intentions.  I am just simply done.

A Nice Day for a White Wedding

      Five years ago today I was getting so excited for my first trip to Las Vegas. So many changes were about to happen to me.  Five months prior, my boyfriend bought a ring.  Two months later, he proposed with it and we found out we were going to be parents.  A big wedding really wasn't feasable and so my husband to be proposed a small wedding in Vegas and it was set.  We found a chapel that would stream our wedding on the internet so that the majority of family and friends who could not make it in person could still experience the occasion.  It was so easy to plan.  We bought a package through the chapel and tailored it to our needs.  Two years prior to all of this, on a crazy whim, I bought a wedding dress and swore to my friend that was with me that I would marry Eric in it.  She had given me the "Your insane.  He hasn't even proposed yet." look but supported my decision anyway.  Well, this dress was a size four and while the top part still fit, my stomach was starting to show.  So, my wonderful seamstress aunt, helped me to let it out so it fit.

       We boarded the plane and after several hours of flying over nothing but desert and mountains, there finally shimmers an oasis before us. 

We met Sheldon, the best man, at the airport and took a shuttle to our pyramid hotel and casino, the Luxor. 

There we met up with the three other guests that made up our wedding party. They took off for a ball game and we made final arrangements including going to the Clarke County courthouse to obtain our license and picked up a tux.

 We all met back in the spa suite where the boys stayed and the girls went out for dinner.

 The next morning we ordered extravagant room service and I went downstairs to the salon and spa to get primped while the girls went shopping.  I was the frist to arrive back at the room and quietly slipped into my dress and looked out the window for a while, taking it all in.  The busy city below me excited me and yet the enormity of what I was about to do never once gave me the jitters.  When my friends returned, Dana did my makeup and we went downstairs to the lobby.  As I made my way to the waiting limo, I got cheers and applause which put a big grin on my face.  I was getting married!!

      We arrived at the Little Chapel of the Flowers where I met with the minister and we discussed the ceremony.  I signed my name on the dotted line and Dana signed hers.  She then took me by the arm and we took a deep breath and I half hopped, half walked down the aisle towards my smiling groom.

 The ceremony in it's entirety took about 8 minutes.  During most of that I wore this nervious smile and for the life of my I don't know why.  But as soon as I heard the words "pronounce you husband and wife", that expression faded and the happy cheeseball grin returned.  After 4 1/2 years with this man, I was now his wife. 

     Photo time came and went and we went back to the hotel to change and see about dinner.  Alas, we made a grave error.  When in Vegas on a Saturday night, make reservations.  We assumed that with all the restaurants and all the choices, we didn't need to......yeah, you need to.  We eventually did find a decent spot at Mandalay Bay and after an almost 2 hour wait.  We dropped the most money we have ever spent on a dinner and baby Jason decided to make me throw up a perfectly wonderful $65 steak but it was still a wonderful meal.  The night didn't end there.  Dana and Brian had a memorable wedding gift in store for us and we made our way up the Las Vegas Strip to see Cirque de Soliel's Zumanity at New York, New York.  The show was incredible.  Aerialists performing unreal stunts,topless contortionists, and an artisty all it's own.  The evening ended with a return to our Egyptian themed paradise and a wonderful first night's sleep with the man I now get to spend the rest of my life with.




(for more pictures and a video, they are on Facebook =)

Letter to the School Board

To Whom it May Concern,

My husband is a 5th grade teacher in this county. Aside from being the most hardworking man I have ever met, he is also one of the most positive. However, we both find it disheartening that the education system, especially here, is in a total state of decline. I am writing this letter, not only to inform you of the conditions and circumstances of which he has struggled through but also to make the public more aware of the fact that while public scrutiny of the education system often falls on the teachers, it is in fact a misguided and misplaced judgment.

I would like to start by addressing teacher pay. Teaching often is held in the same esteem as doctors and lawyers as a profession in general. However, the average salary of a doctor is $250,000 and a lawyer is $110,000. My husband after almost 14 years of teaching does not even break $40,000 a year. Granted, he does get 9 weeks off in the summer but even taking this into account, the 60 hours a week he dedicates at the school working only amounts to a salary of $14/hr. By law, the Department of Labor requires overtime pay for more than 40 hours per week, but that doesn't happen for teachers, does it. For a profession with so much at stake, and the youth of America in its hands, a higher degree with a minimum of a Bachelors degree is required and in some states often a Masters. But for a profession with so much training required and years of experience, my husband is paid the same as the starting salary for a migrant worker tending your lawn, a hotel cleaning person, a telemarketer who calls you at dinnertime and a file clerk. Since 2007, you have frozen teacher pay, raised healthcare costs while reducing benefits, and long before that taken away any bonuses teachers might have earned. Since 2007, my husband and I started a family and had two children, doubling our household and our expenses. Due to your rise in insurance costs, my husband makes less now than what he did 6 years ago. More than 70% of North Carolina teachers moonlight in order to make ends meet, including my husband, but unfortunately, as is our case, the ends still don't meet. I wrote inquiring as to the salary of the board members and assumed it was public record, as is the salary of teachers and other state jobs but the funny thing was, that information could not be found and I have received no response back from the board regarding such.

As far as the working conditions of teachers, I have to say it is simply deplorable for someone who is holding a title of a working professional. Within a ten hour day, my husband receives 10 minutes for lunch, if that. There are no bathroom breaks for at least an 8 hour period of time. Childcare laws state that the teacher child ratio for school age children is a maximum of 1:25 however public school class sizes regularly exceed that number in elementary schools. These sizes make it extraordinarily difficult to do any actual teaching since discipline takes up about 80% of class time and the one on one time that many children need with the IEP's is simply impossible to maintain. In a world run by technology and advancement, you have provided my husband with textbooks that are usually out of date and 3 classroom computers for the use of 27 students. These are the tools that the students have to use on a daily basis and school supplies such as paper, pencils and notebooks are more often provided by the teacher than the parents. Keep in mind that the same tools you have equipped your teachers to teach with are the same tools that have been provided decades before in a world where even McDonald's now provides their employees with updated and modern equipment. Society's behavior on a whole is out of control in my opinion, but for now, we are going to limit it to the behavior in schools.

The authority of a teacher in their own classroom has been crippled completely by the lack of parenting, and the rules you have made out of fear that support it. The few students left in the classroom that have any manners and respect at all as well as the teachers are subjected to be at the mercy of those children and their parents who have none. Those parents that come in screaming the loudest about the unfair treatment of their children are all too often the same ones wreaking havoc and bullying the teachers, administrators and you. You let this happen. Teaching, in essence was originally intended to be just that, spreading the wealth of knowledge. By implementing such absurdities as character education instead of taking on the bullies and telling them that as parents, it is THEIR job to build and instill the foundation of character in their children, you have accepted their own lack of character and accountability and placed that burden onto a teacher to complete in 185 days. Now you have placed an even more insane measure of accountability on these teachers by forcing them to teach to a test, which is highly regarded publically as a disservice to the education of our children. For the public that doesn't know, I will clarify. If the End of Grade test scores are below a certain level, starting next year, that teacher in grades 3 and up is in jeopardy of losing their job. Even more ludicrous is that fact that teachers in grades K-2 will also have their jobs in jeopardy if the test scores do not reflect adequate results.

As a mother, wife, and former teacher as well as part of this community I am sorely disappointed in the careless hypocrisy that is used to fast deteriorate this county's schools. Because of the reckless way in which our school systems continue to allocate funds, take on new and untested theoretical programs, and implement impossible tasks. The best part is, the teachers take the brunt of all the speculation, criticism, and judgment when in all actuality, it is you and the public that should be held accountable for the decline of our public schools. All I have seen from my end is a bunch of hard working teachers up against the Goliath of public failures. The public needs to take action and until they start looking at the decision makers and holding them accountable instead of placing blame on the teachers on the front lines, the decline will continue. I encourage each of you to take a week and put yourself in a classroom as a facilitator so that when making decisions, you can see the actual impact of them. I wish the public could do the same. Maybe then, positive change could be brought about.

Spring is in the Air

It has been very hard to imagine that for the past two months it has been winter here, given that the normal temperature is usually in the high 60's and the sky is bright blue with the sun blazing above. In fact, the seems a bit more like we skipped strait from Fall to Spring. Being such it has thrown my yearly internal clock off kilter. For instance, the past couple of days it has been sunny, clear and around 70 degrees outside. It is at this point that my Spring inner workings start processing the part of my crainium that says "Project Time!!!". Now I know it is only February and our funds are still limited but everywhere I look in this house, I see a project waiting to happen. So this week, i finally caved to my urges and started off small by creating a tile border around one very plain mirror in my bathroom. This then spread to putting a border around the ugly light fixture above that mirror and voila, my need has been somewhat quenched and for very little time and effort. I have managed to "pretty up" in a minor way but it is always the little details that can make a big difference. SO now what? left twiddling my thumbs yet again, the itch begins and there is so much I want to do. I want my bathroom fixtures replaced. I want to paint and panel the bathrooms and Katie's room. I want a tile backsplash in the kitchen. My yard.....Jesus, my yard. If I could get a whole new yard dropped around the house, that would be great. My poor Mercedes sits longingly in the driveway, begging for some attention. The problem with these things is a seemingly large amount of funding. So I have to do these projects a little at a time and in between take on free projects in between.

So far, I have a few lined up. Painting is the first thing that comes to mind. In case you were wondering, A.C. Moore has an insane sale on canvases. So I bought in bulk and am going to get inspired. Acrylic paint is also on sale which I have decided I like much better than oil. I also have a sketch book I need to take to a park sometime and just freehand. My family history is an ongoing work in progress. Irecently found more information on my grandmother's side of the family which I think I have made sense of but now have to retype so it makes sense to anyone who ever reads it. Ghost hunting comes next. Well, I joined a group hoping to actually do more of this than freelancing in graveyards on my own but unfortunately all my group has done is meet at a pool hall and eat drink and play pool. So I am hoping next month to actually start doing something relevant. I have a lot of the equipment, just need a site. If you read this and know of anywhere, let me know. Music is still there but more in the background since I have felt less compelled to play and I am working to understand why that is. My cooking skills are improving thanks to the lack of funds for always eating out and I can often get creative with dinner just as easily as I can with cakes even though cakes are so much sweeter.

The way I figure it is that I am chosing to spend my time and energy on positive things wheras a year ago, I could not really say that. It is good to be involved in things and I like having the freedom and time to explore my options. People don't get enough of that these days. I am just very glad and very thankful I have the help and support I need to be one of the lucky few.