I Want to Move to a Different Country

This afternoon my family and I arrived home from a week long journey of visiting family and friends starting in New York, making our way to Pennsylvania and our last visit placed us in Alexandria, VA. While the focus of this trip was family, I could not help but notice the people around me as they unknowingly displayed obnoxious after self absorbed displays of complete entitlement. None of this was more self evident than when these fine specimens of humanity attempted to drive.

The levels of ignorance and stupidity seem to increase when hitting the highway.The amazing part of driving over two thousand miles in a trip is watching traffic come to a grinding halt for absolutely no reason. There was no accident or construction for us.  However at every exit, merging traffic or not, traffic came to a standstill. Then there were the left lane bandits and everyone has encountered them. These are the idiots whom, for whatever reason, ride the left lane going extremely slow and completely oblivious to the 20 cars attempting to pass them and shooting glaring looks as they do. Worse even is when they create a roadblock by riding side by side with a car or truck in the right lane going extremely slow and again, either don't care or ignore the ever growing number of cars that are slowly piling up behind them. When my blood began to boil, however was when passing said lane Nazi and shooting them your dirtiest look, they don't even see it.  Why? Because they are texting on their phone of course as they do 60 in a 70 and traffic flow is averaging 78.

My other encounter happened at the grocery store with my one item standing at the checkout in front of a rather large woman also holding one item, a cake.  Thinking this would be a quick trip, my friend and I waited patiently behind her. As soon as it became her turn, another woman followed by about 5 or 6 kids, pushes past us exclaiming "I'm wit her!!" Her cart is filled with a variety of junk food and several half eaten cookies as she takes her self presumed place in front of the cashier. Meanwhile, the kids are running amuck as she obliviously loads her goods on the counter. packs of gum are being thrown, opened and the front of the store is filled with yells and shouts from these imps. When one of the women seem to finally take notice of the children, they do nothing to stop the madness but instead have one of the older girls scream in the face of the line jumper "I WANT SOME GUM NOW!!". This loud, insolent demand was met with her requested reward for such blatently rude behavior. When they finally did leave, the once tidy area was in disaray and not one person said a word, simply exchanged looks of disapproval.

Has society always been this self serving and entitled and I was not aware of it or is it indeed getting progressively worse? This problem infiltrates every aspect of our lives from politics to grocery trips. People need to stop being so self absorbed and start becoming more self aware as well as paying attention to their surroundings and start holding themselves accountable for their choices and actions. Sounds easy but the majority of the population has yet to do it.  I wholeheartedly believe that this simple shift as a personal goal for everyone could make a huge difference towards making this world a better place.  Most of us already know how, it is simply a matter of acting on it and becoming more aware of your choices, actions and others.

San Antonio

I am sitting here at the airport in San Antonio Texas slightly early so the three of us could split a cab and say our goodbyes together. Such is the life of a traveling pauper. Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to reflect and write about this trip, its original purpose, all it's adventures and the journey taken.

This all started out as a serendipitous adventure I was intending to take to Vegas but as it turns out that trip never happened and would have been disastrous anyway. SO I took the flight credit and pondered what to do with it. A night with Barbara talking about the internal hardships we were both facing as well as our other mutual friends, we realized it would be beneficial and was actually necessary to recapture ourselves and the best way to do that was together.

In 2005, our friend Jonna moved to Texas from North Carolina and out of our group of 5, the 4 went and stopped in San Antonio and I did not on account of a memorable family road trip I was taking out west with my own family. They had a blast and the trip to this day is still remembered and talked about fondly. This time, only 4 were able to go again but this time, I was one of the lucky ones able to make the trip possible. It was simply wonderful how easily everything fell into place and soon the trip was upon us.

From an outsiders perspective this was an impulsive and less than lucrative trip, being that we were all in a financial pinch of sorts and had obligations at home which demanded our attention. But what we were beginning to realize is that those very things along with others were beginning to take their toll and for at least three of us, the effects of that stress were severe to the point that they were beginning to physically impact us as well. We needed each other. Since I was 17 years old we have needed and relied on each other for a strength and solace that only the others can provide. The fact that we all realized it and had an imperative need at the same time could not go unrecognized and had to be rectified. Hence, the trip.

No doubt, we had fun. Get this bunch together and there is always a good time regardless of location or atmosphere because we make our own and raise a few eyebrows and gain a few stares in the process. But the first morning together in the pool started our re bonding, talking and healing. The common thread for all of us was this. Our roles in life have consumed far too much of our attention and we lost sight of ourselves just a little. Expectations, emotions and insecurities have been allowed to get the best of us. The positive light was fading and we knew we could help each other to bring it back and we did.

A few things happened for me and as for the other extraordinary women; I will let them tell their parts, should they feel so inclined. After our first day by the pool and the conversations that took place, I started feeling better about myself. Due to recent drama and thoughts and feelings that are forever in my head, I have recently had my feelings of "not being good enough" magnified. It is my own personal weakness but I never felt pretty enough, smart enough, good enough in my roles in life, skinny enough, strong enough, etc. Poolside I learned I was not alone and when I learned that these women felt the same and we shared our thoughts on why and our experiences, that heavy feeling of all those negatives started to lift and by the time I went up to the room to shower, I felt I had washed a lot of that negativity away. Looking back at all the pictures we took, I can see a physical change in my appearance as well. Usually, like most women do, I tear my image apart ("my thighs look huge", "Dear god, I look pregnant!" type of thing). This time, I simply could not get past the look on my face in my photos. I was happy and carefree and most importantly, I was simply me.

Now this isn't to say I am miserable looking all other times, I am not. In fact, this trip has led me to see that I have a blessed life. My support from my grandparents and my husband made this trip a possibility for me. My children are about as close to perfect as children can be. My own untapped and vast potential has been recognized and however daunting, I have so many possibilities ahead of me. It was always there, I just had trouble seeing it through the shroud of endless responsibilities and self doubt.

So thank you, San Antonio and my 3 beautiful friends. Thank you for letting us look at ourselves and each other in a fresh new light. Thank you riverwalk and Cowboy's Dance Hall for letting us get a little wild and free. Thank you Alamo for reminding me of this nation’s history and of complete and true sacrifice. Thank you to the 3 missions visited for granting me a strange inner peace, and thank you Jonna, Barbara, and Melissa for allowing me to be me and loving me for it always, for crazy laughs until Barbara ends up snorting uncontrollably, for sharing a small mirror and 1 bathroom with 3 other women, letting me get accosted at night by an Alamo cop, being my lookouts when I once again, roam outside legal borders, creating an adventure by losing car keys in a walled in field as it closes, and overall by being the strong, beautiful, intelligent women I have come to love and respect more than anything.

Fight or Flight

So I am in a position where I want to do what is best for me and at the same time, what is the right thing to do but I simply do not know what either entails so I am calling upon the few people that read this to help me out.

Most of us have been in a same or similar situation with an ex boyfriend, ex friend, co worker, etc where a disagreement turns into a full fledged war or words and before you know it, you are no longer on speaking terms.  However, they decide to take it one step further and trash talk you and attempt to destroy your reputation within your same said circle or group. In my case, I have no idea what is even being said but the little I have heard is 100% false and I have gotten scathing emails from someone who went from zero to bitch in no time flat, and a bunch of removed and blocked "friends" from Facebook.  What to do.

There is the phrase "the best revenge is living well" which is all well and good but the thing is that this particular instigator doesn't care if I live well or not, he just wants me out of his particular realm and I have no clue what he is doing , but it seems to be working.  I feel like walking away makes me look guilty of whatever it is he is saying and he becomes effective in removing me from this specific community. However, ignoring it removes me from the drama and allows me some time to focus on the positive.  SO I am stuck. 

I tried to fight back by explaining how most of these lies I know about don't even make sense but it all falls on deaf ears. It would help if I knew what exactly was being said and done, but I don't. All I know is I am being trashed and my defenses are low enough as it is. I tried using the truth to my advantage but am having trouble since people seem to feel compelled to rally around someone who clearly uses others and is not a good person in general.  Even knowing his faults and falling prey to them at times, these people still champion him on and I am bewildered by it.  The one person who has a right to be upset with me in all this is my husband and while he is upset, he still takes my side and is angry on my behalf, which I would think says something to the whole mess, but apparently not.  It does tell me however that I have the most understanding and loving man on the planet for a husband.

So again, what do I do and how do I do it? This moron's reputation is the most important thing to him which makes it an obvious kill shot but how? Or do I take the high road, ignore the whole thing and try to be the bigger person and move on (if you have ever been in this position you know how hard that is)? Either way, I hope he knows that crossing paths with me from here until the day he dies is now perilous. Spreading lies and rumors from behind a keyboard is easy. Actually facing a pissed off Arwyn is a whole different story.

Damn You Memorial Day

      
This is my sister.  At times we hate each other, mock each other, yell at and chastise each other. But always we love each other and when one of us is in trouble or needs advice, the other is one of the first people we turn to.  This morning I went to church with my mother to sing.  It is really the only purpose for me to ever go is to sing and make other people happy.  Most people know I am not the religous sort at all.  The last psalm was a memorial day song about protecting those at sea, on land, and the last verse was about protecting those in the air. It was at this point I watched my mother start to shake and I reached for her hand.  A few seconds later she broke down completly and so did I and we sat in the front pew with tears streaming down our faces.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day which for most is a time to honor those lost in the line of duty.  For this family, tomorrow will be when we say our last goodbye to my sister and hope to god she doesn't joint those ranks.  Tomorrow, Captain Misha Harrell of the United States Air Force will be in Norfolk awaiting transfer to the desert where she will serve as a flight surgeon for 6 months.

She described her station in the cockpit of a C 140 as a small shelf that they stick her in because she is tiny and fits. While singing that stupid song all I could picture is her gaunt little frame shoved into a small confined space hoping someone doesn't shoot her out of the sky.  This is probably not her veiwpoint but I can imagine it crosses her mind from time to time up there. This image brings tears to my eyes and while I am proud of her, as her big sister, I am scared as hell for her too.  I am helpless.  When we were little and someone picked on her, I fought them on her behalf.  When a boy broke her heart, I let him have every sharp word in my vocabulary, and now she is in the most danger she has ever been in and I can do nothing, separated by an ocean and  several continents.

So tomorrow take time to remember those that died but also take time to remember those who are trying not to die but charge forward into the fray nonetheless.  Take time to remember my sister and so many like her who are about to face battle and war for the first time.  I don't believe in religion but many of you do.  I also know that lately, all the things I thought I knew were never really true anyway so hey, what the hell do I know? If you think prayer works, then say many for my sister and those with her. If you believe in the power of persuasive thinking, use that too.  Me, I am going to tell her tomorrow to be strong and know she is loved.  I am going to tell her there is no shame in running and to run like hell. I am going to tell her to save as many lives as possible and even if it is just one, it will be enough. And while she is there, I am going to give her as many reminders as I can of what and who she is fighting for.

Don't Pay Any Attention to the Man Behind the Gay Curtain

So the day has come to vote on Amendment One and the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.  I will go and vote of course but only because I have to, not because I want to.  I have to because someone needs to stand up for what's right and oftentimes, that someone falls within the minority so you need all the help you can get.  In this case, I hope I am wrong.  I am hoping that this country is not so regressive that intolerance and bigotry wins out over what shouldn't even be an issue.
Just like the wizard behind the curtain, our government has created the illusion that Amendment One is a big deal. Bigger than, unemployment, deficits that they have caused, budget cuts, mis allocation of funds on their part, wars across the world where people like my sister are sent to die for a cause that doesn't even exist. No, they have made marrying the person you love into a "problem".  This is the smokescreen and it is a lose lose situation for those of us that want to see real change affected. Don't get me wrong, this is important for the lives of so many good people, but we have allowed the government to dip it's hand into this pot that it never had any business being in.  And now instead of fixing real problems, they go after the insitution of marriage and try to break it down rather than seeing it for what it should be.  Two PEOPLE that love and care for one another wanting to spend the rest of their lives together and have a family in a legally recognized way.
So vote today but then we need to move forward and as the public it is our duty to try to curb political corruption as much as possible and instead of voting for parties, start voting for someone who is willing to face real issues head on do what is right for the people of this country.

After a conversation this morning, I feel I need to add a little more to this.  There is a separation of church and state for a reason and this is a prime example of it.  Whatever your religious beliefs are concerning marraige, this amandment still does not constitute favor.  By voting for it you are denying other American citizens healthcare benefits, tax breaks, and more simply because of sexual orientation.  The children of same sex couples will suffer for this as well. God forbid something happens to one parent.  That surviving spouse is then in danger of losing their love and their child.  This also effects people that are not even gay.  Unmarried women who are physically abused will not have the same protection as ones that are married to their abuser. So I am imploring that we put aside religion for just one day and think about the governmental rights of those who are threatened by the implications of this.

The Importance of Facebook

Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our own problems and emotions that we fail to see through to the reality of the situation.  Such was my reasoning behind taking the shortest break in history last night and while the rationale behind it may not make sense to most of you, it made sense in my head at the time which is a habit of mine that gets me into these situations. 
 In my case, I trusted someone whom  shouldn't have trusted and ignored all the warnings from others that he only cares about his own hide.  So, against all that I decided to not heed the warnings of others and all the alarms going off in my head and it ended up badly for me. It ALWAYS ends up badly for me and like Bart Simpson with an electrified cupcake, I got zapped.  Time to start learning or as Dana tells me "put on my big girl panties". Funny part is that my being upset has now spurred him to be offended, angry and upset that I dare be anything but happy to be screwed over.
So, here is where I stand now.  First off, don't play with fire if you don't know how hot it burns and as my close friends can tell you, when hurt, I can become nuclear.  It isn't who I am but it is right there underneath as it is in all the women in my family.  You can't set off a firecracker and blame the damn thing when it explodes. Second, when I go down, I go down hard, but when I get up again you better get the hell out of the way. I may not be as smart as the rest of my family but I am creative and cunning and those features create a worthy advisary if one chooses to make me an enemy.  Third, you bested me once and it will not happen again.  No more will be taken and the whole degredating experience only makes me more determined to rise up better and stronger.
Lastly, as Dana reminded me, I am going to be fine.  There is a reason your close circle is so small.  It is because the world is full of people willing to take advantage of you when you are in a weak moment, doubting yourself, your situation in life, and what to do about it.  That smal circle of people though stand by to help you past all that and will stay up with you when you cry, drink with you when you are frustrated and talk to you for hours on the phone and listen to you verbally sort your thoughts out. A solid support group is something I have that he never will and while I have taken it for granted many times, I am always grateful and reliant on it being there.  Facebook broadens that for me and allows me to reach my friend I can't call in England and the one I miss so much in Texas who is so busy making a difference in this world.
My removal of Facebook was because I was ashamed of being bested once again.  Ashamed that I let myself be sucked into dramatic games I never had any business playing. He feels justified in his actions but in the end, life will catch up to him and maybe, just maybe, the asshat will learn he wasn't.

I haven't written on this in a while because I have been living in this facade that I thought was me getting involved in something and becoming excited about life again and today I was hit with the realization that it was nothing more than being used once again.  I am so tired of constantly seeking the best in people only to be let down time and time again. Constantly thinking people genuinely like me only to find out they could care less whether I live or die.  It hurts too damn much when you are let down, knowing that while you are crushed they walk away unscythed. I was just starting to think I had a handle on what was up and now very little makes sense anymore. I don't want to be here.  I haven't wanted to be here in a while.  I have had this stupid blog here for over a year and only a handful of people even read the fucking thing. Everybody says they care about you but most of them don't. Most will never even realize when you are gone. They only say it because they thing it is the PC thing to say or it makes them sound better, all of which has nothing to do with anyone but themselves. It's funny how when you get angry at someone for letting you down or hurting you, they come back at you with anger instead of simply realizing they made you feel this way and righting that wrong is all you ever really wanted anyway.  I am done.  I am done trusting people who do not deserve it and thinking optimistically about their intentions.  I am just simply done.