Today is the day before my 31st birthday and I feel no older than I did a year ago really. However, thinking back to 10 years ago, it is surreal how different life is. I was about 30 pounds lighter and full of a vivacious energy that never seemed depleted. I lived in an apartment with a man I was planning to marry, did marry, divorced and now we both are married to other people and haven't spoken to each other in years. I was finishing up college and planning a wedding. I went out dancing and partying at least once a week. I had no money and no car payments and an old Chevy Malibu that carried with it the demeanor of an old codger, with a temperment all it's own. I miss that car. Life seemed so simple and I was sure I had it all figured out. I couldnt wait to legally drink and then it happened and I wondered where the big deal went. I was completely in shape and went to the gym in the afternoons and had a body I would kill to have again. I had a cell phone with a whopping 300 minutes which was way too much and I would never use that much. I had an external caller ID and voicemail machine and used checks or paid cash. All my papers and assignments were stored on Zip drives or floppy disks. All my furnature was hand-me-down from the butterfly patterned couch to the formica table with the egg chairs that were missing wheels on the bottom and wobbled. I was responsible for me and me alone. I did my own thing and thought I was so responsible. I bought beer on every grocery trip and went to impromptu parties at friends houses without hesitation. If only I knew then what I know now.
A small fortune was spent on a wedding for a marraige that lasted 7 months. I went from butterfly couch to pillows on the floor in an even tinier apartment, alone, scared and uncertain but better, stronger. I learned what real unconditional love is. I learned that he can make huge mistakes and so can I but that we always come back to each other because that is the "life doesn't make sense without you" kind of love, the "feels like home" "soulmate" kind of love. I went from no car payment to having two now and thinking that a year lease was a big commitment to a fixed APR and a 30 year loan for more money than I have ever borrowed in my lifetime. I learned about commitment and real responsibility. I felt what it is like to grow a life and in that learned a love too powerful to even be describable. For the first time, I realized what true exhaustion was, what it was like to put someone else's wants and needs before your own without it even being a conscious decision. I went from one cell phone to 4 on a family plan and a car with no air conditioning or power steering to a car with 2 DVD players and a touch screen. My tiny one bedroom apartment turned into a 3 bedroom home.
My ususally neat and tidy ways became more relaxed and toys now line my floors. Going dancing and drinking now makes me feel old as I am aware that those around me were me a decade ago. Sitting at home on a Friday night watching Ghost Adventures with my husband checking on my sleeping children, seems more my speed these days. I store my graduate work on flash drives smaller than my finger and beer and wine are for special occasions. My cell phone has a touch screen and accesses the internet. I have a wood dining table and a couch from an actual furnature store. I haven't seen the inside of a gym in quite a while. My needs and wants come last for the most part. Yet my restless days seem to have been trying and searching for this life I have now. Maybe I wasn't aware of all the details, but unlike then, I am fat, old, and happy.
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