Damn You Memorial Day

      
This is my sister.  At times we hate each other, mock each other, yell at and chastise each other. But always we love each other and when one of us is in trouble or needs advice, the other is one of the first people we turn to.  This morning I went to church with my mother to sing.  It is really the only purpose for me to ever go is to sing and make other people happy.  Most people know I am not the religous sort at all.  The last psalm was a memorial day song about protecting those at sea, on land, and the last verse was about protecting those in the air. It was at this point I watched my mother start to shake and I reached for her hand.  A few seconds later she broke down completly and so did I and we sat in the front pew with tears streaming down our faces.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day which for most is a time to honor those lost in the line of duty.  For this family, tomorrow will be when we say our last goodbye to my sister and hope to god she doesn't joint those ranks.  Tomorrow, Captain Misha Harrell of the United States Air Force will be in Norfolk awaiting transfer to the desert where she will serve as a flight surgeon for 6 months.

She described her station in the cockpit of a C 140 as a small shelf that they stick her in because she is tiny and fits. While singing that stupid song all I could picture is her gaunt little frame shoved into a small confined space hoping someone doesn't shoot her out of the sky.  This is probably not her veiwpoint but I can imagine it crosses her mind from time to time up there. This image brings tears to my eyes and while I am proud of her, as her big sister, I am scared as hell for her too.  I am helpless.  When we were little and someone picked on her, I fought them on her behalf.  When a boy broke her heart, I let him have every sharp word in my vocabulary, and now she is in the most danger she has ever been in and I can do nothing, separated by an ocean and  several continents.

So tomorrow take time to remember those that died but also take time to remember those who are trying not to die but charge forward into the fray nonetheless.  Take time to remember my sister and so many like her who are about to face battle and war for the first time.  I don't believe in religion but many of you do.  I also know that lately, all the things I thought I knew were never really true anyway so hey, what the hell do I know? If you think prayer works, then say many for my sister and those with her. If you believe in the power of persuasive thinking, use that too.  Me, I am going to tell her tomorrow to be strong and know she is loved.  I am going to tell her there is no shame in running and to run like hell. I am going to tell her to save as many lives as possible and even if it is just one, it will be enough. And while she is there, I am going to give her as many reminders as I can of what and who she is fighting for.

Don't Pay Any Attention to the Man Behind the Gay Curtain

So the day has come to vote on Amendment One and the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.  I will go and vote of course but only because I have to, not because I want to.  I have to because someone needs to stand up for what's right and oftentimes, that someone falls within the minority so you need all the help you can get.  In this case, I hope I am wrong.  I am hoping that this country is not so regressive that intolerance and bigotry wins out over what shouldn't even be an issue.
Just like the wizard behind the curtain, our government has created the illusion that Amendment One is a big deal. Bigger than, unemployment, deficits that they have caused, budget cuts, mis allocation of funds on their part, wars across the world where people like my sister are sent to die for a cause that doesn't even exist. No, they have made marrying the person you love into a "problem".  This is the smokescreen and it is a lose lose situation for those of us that want to see real change affected. Don't get me wrong, this is important for the lives of so many good people, but we have allowed the government to dip it's hand into this pot that it never had any business being in.  And now instead of fixing real problems, they go after the insitution of marriage and try to break it down rather than seeing it for what it should be.  Two PEOPLE that love and care for one another wanting to spend the rest of their lives together and have a family in a legally recognized way.
So vote today but then we need to move forward and as the public it is our duty to try to curb political corruption as much as possible and instead of voting for parties, start voting for someone who is willing to face real issues head on do what is right for the people of this country.

After a conversation this morning, I feel I need to add a little more to this.  There is a separation of church and state for a reason and this is a prime example of it.  Whatever your religious beliefs are concerning marraige, this amandment still does not constitute favor.  By voting for it you are denying other American citizens healthcare benefits, tax breaks, and more simply because of sexual orientation.  The children of same sex couples will suffer for this as well. God forbid something happens to one parent.  That surviving spouse is then in danger of losing their love and their child.  This also effects people that are not even gay.  Unmarried women who are physically abused will not have the same protection as ones that are married to their abuser. So I am imploring that we put aside religion for just one day and think about the governmental rights of those who are threatened by the implications of this.

The Importance of Facebook

Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our own problems and emotions that we fail to see through to the reality of the situation.  Such was my reasoning behind taking the shortest break in history last night and while the rationale behind it may not make sense to most of you, it made sense in my head at the time which is a habit of mine that gets me into these situations. 
 In my case, I trusted someone whom  shouldn't have trusted and ignored all the warnings from others that he only cares about his own hide.  So, against all that I decided to not heed the warnings of others and all the alarms going off in my head and it ended up badly for me. It ALWAYS ends up badly for me and like Bart Simpson with an electrified cupcake, I got zapped.  Time to start learning or as Dana tells me "put on my big girl panties". Funny part is that my being upset has now spurred him to be offended, angry and upset that I dare be anything but happy to be screwed over.
So, here is where I stand now.  First off, don't play with fire if you don't know how hot it burns and as my close friends can tell you, when hurt, I can become nuclear.  It isn't who I am but it is right there underneath as it is in all the women in my family.  You can't set off a firecracker and blame the damn thing when it explodes. Second, when I go down, I go down hard, but when I get up again you better get the hell out of the way. I may not be as smart as the rest of my family but I am creative and cunning and those features create a worthy advisary if one chooses to make me an enemy.  Third, you bested me once and it will not happen again.  No more will be taken and the whole degredating experience only makes me more determined to rise up better and stronger.
Lastly, as Dana reminded me, I am going to be fine.  There is a reason your close circle is so small.  It is because the world is full of people willing to take advantage of you when you are in a weak moment, doubting yourself, your situation in life, and what to do about it.  That smal circle of people though stand by to help you past all that and will stay up with you when you cry, drink with you when you are frustrated and talk to you for hours on the phone and listen to you verbally sort your thoughts out. A solid support group is something I have that he never will and while I have taken it for granted many times, I am always grateful and reliant on it being there.  Facebook broadens that for me and allows me to reach my friend I can't call in England and the one I miss so much in Texas who is so busy making a difference in this world.
My removal of Facebook was because I was ashamed of being bested once again.  Ashamed that I let myself be sucked into dramatic games I never had any business playing. He feels justified in his actions but in the end, life will catch up to him and maybe, just maybe, the asshat will learn he wasn't.

I haven't written on this in a while because I have been living in this facade that I thought was me getting involved in something and becoming excited about life again and today I was hit with the realization that it was nothing more than being used once again.  I am so tired of constantly seeking the best in people only to be let down time and time again. Constantly thinking people genuinely like me only to find out they could care less whether I live or die.  It hurts too damn much when you are let down, knowing that while you are crushed they walk away unscythed. I was just starting to think I had a handle on what was up and now very little makes sense anymore. I don't want to be here.  I haven't wanted to be here in a while.  I have had this stupid blog here for over a year and only a handful of people even read the fucking thing. Everybody says they care about you but most of them don't. Most will never even realize when you are gone. They only say it because they thing it is the PC thing to say or it makes them sound better, all of which has nothing to do with anyone but themselves. It's funny how when you get angry at someone for letting you down or hurting you, they come back at you with anger instead of simply realizing they made you feel this way and righting that wrong is all you ever really wanted anyway.  I am done.  I am done trusting people who do not deserve it and thinking optimistically about their intentions.  I am just simply done.