Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?

I love Taylor Swift. Yes I said it and I meant it and you can disagree but it won't change how I feel. That girl wears her heart on her sleeve and has the ability to write lyrics that say just how I feel about so many relationships. Brokenhearted and hurt and sad are her thing and I can more than relate. Problem is, it hasn't done me much good to continue getting stuck in that state and recently I hit rock bottom because of it. If it wasn't rock bottom, it was pretty damn close.

I am not going to air out all my dirty laundry online but I do wish to speak to a few of the situations I am finding myself in and I expect that like Taylor's songs do for me, a few of these scenarios might hit a chord or two for you if you are reading this. On to my first point.

I am not responsible for someone else's actions and/or inactions. People, this is in Psych 101 and I am finding that I am being blamed for not only my actions but the actions and professionalism of someone else as well. Now, does putting it in writing make anyone else aware of how silly this is? No matter what situation you create in your head here, I am NOT responsible for how another person does or does not do his job. If you have a problem with the product of his work or his professionalism or lack thereof, take it up with him. Do not put that on me. It serves no purpose, fixes nothing, and has only led to making things worse. I am accountable only for what I have done and blaming me for other people's mistakes as well as my own serves no purpose, obtains no goal and only serves to place more blame and hurt on an already broken person.

Stop involving everyone you know in an issue that does not concern them. This has been going on for years with me and it needs to stop. So one person sends an email to another about a private issue. This person then forwards it to a bunch of people, calls these people and circles the wagons to prepare for an onslaught attack. Well now they have gathered a posse all to gang up on someone. How very grade school bully of you.  Involving other people in arguments with another is not venting or trying to work things out. Taking all the people you have in common and trying to turn them all against the other is extremely manipulative and hateful. It is essentially attempting to take away any and all support in an effort to show your dominance and power through fear and aggression. This is a war strategy and to use it against someone you claim to love when it wields no positive outcome in order to make them submissive is both sadistic and cruel and serves no real purpose. So I say do your worst. Anyone who wants to continue to beat me down while I try to get up or knock the supports out from under me while I try to stand again and does it all in your name, I have no use for this at the moment. As long as they wish to be hurtful for cruelty's sake, I am done no matter how much I don't want to be because I have to be.

I have made mistakes, a lot of mistakes. We all have in our lives and some are bigger than others. There is nothing you can do about the mistakes of the past and to have people continue to throw them in your face and degrade you helps no one. Telling me I was wrong does nothing. I am not stupid. I already know my mistakes and many of them I have paid for more than any one person could know. However, if you are in my life it is because I want you there. Friend or family, I have created a support system which doesn't mean you have to agree with everything I say and do or that you cannot have feelings or emotions one way or the other. However, I have taken actions to remedy my errors, to do the right thing and to try and become a better person. Either help that process along so that a positive goal can be reached or go away. Hating on me just creates drama and negatively and makes everyone's life more difficult. It is like trying to swim while someone is trying to drown you. Guess, what? You both go under.

So I will still probably continue to listen to Taylor and wear my heart on my sleeve the way she does. But I need to start taking on a little of Miranda Lamberts attitude too and maybe, just maybe, I can end up with a Carrie Underwood type of view on people in general.

Just change "cheated on" to "hurt" =)



Happy Endings Don't Exist

Major events have been taking place in my life this year, more so than most and one of them has just come to an end, for the most part. It got me thinking about endings of any nature and it became apparent that an ending in any situation, is never a truly happy one because of one simple reason. Whether it is the end of a problem, relationship, life, or something positive, an ending is final and permanent and the window of opportunity for change in any way is over and irreversible.

Many people know about the troubles my family has been dealing with regarding my sister and the Air Force. A few days ago, a final decision was reached and the outcome was not good and now it is done. There will be an appeal but that is all just lawyers and paper and doesn't require the involvement and support that has been needed throughout this process. As my plane was leaving St. Louis, it felt like I was leaving an important piece of my life behind. I was leaving with the knowledge that I would never return. What took place there was so irrevocably final and gone and all the moments, good and bad, all the opportunities for change, all the hopes and disappointments were now over. Instead I am now left with a void that has me confused and saddened. . In the Princess Bride, Inigo says to Wesley "I've been in the revenge business for so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life." Mandy Patinkin focuses on the revenge part but I saw it differently.  The same emotions apply in that, when something so large permeates your life in such a way and takes a toll on so many aspects of your life, the fact that it is concluded leaves you with a choice to either put it behind you and charge ahead or it has you reflecting, if only to ensure that the important significance and impact is not lost with time. But sometimes closing a door doesn't always open a window or if it does, that window can be hard to find leaving you not knowing what to charge ahead to.

 

http://www.youtube.com/v/W6-Dt1g2E18?version=3&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&attribution_tag=og0QwO6urfw4sgECtULTRw&showinfo=1

 

For my family, this whole ordeal has been a nightmare in every way possible. But as I watched the arch fade away, I started to immediately miss the few good moments that had occurred in the midst of this mess. City Museum is one of the most incredible places I have ever seen and the memories made there immediately stand out in my mind. I was able to see people like Marla whom I have not seen in a long time. There were conversations had that were more real than they have been in years. We all came together and stood against a common enemy as a united front. We met good people like Ann and Gene and through them and others gained different insights and perspectives. All of these things I hated to leave behind.

But then there was all the fighting. The environment itself seemed to feed hostility, insecurity, and resentment. There was fighting in and out of the courtroom. Tensions and emotions became high and with the women of this family, arguments are inevitable anyway. Being there under those circumstances only aggravated and amplified everything.

Fighting and arguing is an interesting thing. It honestly has more to do with yourself than it does others. Often conflict is perpetuated simply to ensure that you are not forgotten. By speaking up and asserting yourself, by continuing an argument or starting one, you solidify that you will be thought of, in one way or another, renting space in someones head. Being thought about makes us all feel important, even when that thought has negative connotations. I realize that most of my fights, especially during this trial, are done on my part because I do not feel I matter, I never have and I want to. My ambitions are probably why I am so bad at it. I was so afraid of that inevitable ending and what it meant for me, being forgotten or discarded afterwards because I was no longer needed or useful, I handled very few things well and now that finality has set in, my fears realized and life uncertain.

My Craptastic Summer

I can't sleep. It is after midnight and I have a million things to do this week and I am so tired and yet sleep eludes me because my mind races and deliberates, mainly over recent events. I am angry and sad and so damn bitter it isn't funny and I push all this aside to be there for the people I love but all of it turns into a resentment that churns in me as I mull it all over and over again in my head.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my daughter's preschool open house and the next day she is supposed to start and my anxiety level is at an all time high for a plethora of reasons. You see, it has been months since I have seen these people and the obvious questions will arise of  "How are you?" "How was your summer?". Most of the time I would politely answer "Fine, how are you? How was your summer?" But at this place and tomorrow, I am going to have a very hard time doing that.

I have been going to this church on and off my whole adult life and even though I am not terribly religious, it has recently been a large part of my life as my children went to preschool there, I worked there, sang there, and did other various things there as well. This summer was quite possibly the worst of my entire life and my retort to these exchanges of pleasantries is supposed to be fake and "fine". I suppose I could reply with "Well, my husband came hours away from death, my cat did die, my pet squirrel ran away, the Air Force is starving and persecuting my sister, we are thousands of dollars in debt and counting with medical bills, oh and this lovely school let me go last month. How was your summer?"

My bitterness in this situation in particular is that if one good thing came out of my husbands 2 week hospital stay, it was that I became acutely aware of the people who care about us and the people who do not. It is sad to say, but in that church, the numbers of the latter are staggering. The preschool director spoke with me hours after we were admitted at the hospital out of sheer coincidence, but I heard from no one there again until the day before he was released. There were no texts, calls, visits, nothing but two Facebook posts from the people whom I had called co workers and who my children had called teachers for years. Even the two priests from the church came for several hospital bedside visits. Then again, the seafood restaurant that my husband had worked for off and on since 1998 couldn't be bothered to even do that, even with the late owner being a personal friend of his.

Honestly, if it were not for my grandparents involvement and the choir in which I have found a mini family, I would have nothing more to do with that church. Last week was the first time I sat through a Sunday without bursting into tears and leaving. I debated sending my daughter back because not only was I dismissed but one of the best teachers there, was let go for what I believe to be personal reasons rather than on the basis of professional merit. This is bad business and makes me question what exactly is going on there and since I am now just an outsider parent, I have every right to. But at this point, there is no other school to send her to that has an opening and I also do not want my troubles to be inflicted on her any more than they have to be. Therefore, we are giving it a shot and we will see how it ends up along with the rest of the mess surrounding me.

When I went to visit my sister she brought up a very valid principle of basic attribution psychology. Basically, if bad things happen to a person, it is perceived that they must be bad or deserving of these negative conflicts because bad things just don't happen to good people. This is the Just World Hypothesis and is an assumption that a person's actions always bring fitting consequences to that person, so that all noble actions are eventually rewarded and all evil actions are eventually punished. Most intelligent people read that last sentence and realize that bad things happen to everyone but in this culture and especially in a religious one, this is ingrained and can be conveyed unconsciously by many. My fear is that this was already present with this group of people tomorrow and by not playing the game with a smile on my face, I will simply confirm that I indeed, must be a bad person deserving of all my woes.

The War Between the Sexes: Date on Your Side of the Mason Dixon Line

     
While dating, I can honestly say that I never had a "type". Fat, thin, tall, short, nerd, jock...all that I looked for was a connection with that individual. Ultimately, it never worked out and I was always left wondering if it was me and my friends would always tell me it wasn't except for now I have to believe it was in fact me, at least in most cases.

When I came down here to go to college I was inundated with southern gentleman and together with my cute group of girls, it was like hunting fish in a barrel. But like most college relationships, these were mostly for fun and very short lived but that didn't stop me from getting my heart broken and even being told I was loved a couple times and twice it was returned. Ultimately, I was not what they were looking for and didn't fit the image they had of the girl who should be their arm. Why? My guess was because as southern men they wanted a southern belle and that is most certainly not me.

Southern men are looking for southern gentility and charm. When met with a girl who can pull that off but at heart has been raised a Northerner, it is too much and they simply cannot handle it. My most epic failed relationships were with men raised in the south, and the one I clicked the most with is my husband who grew up two hours away from where I did in PA. Don't get me wrong. In 10 years I have frustrated, angered, and annoyed the everlasting crap out of him but he stuck around and loves me because he has an understanding of how I work. My guess is most Northern girls have a similar M.O. How is that exactly?

Never in my life have I said "bless your heart." What does that even mean? I am not perfectly put together the second I wake up and am not a working Martha Stewart model. I am as crass as I am classy. Northern women are the chameleons of the world and the best part is they are 100% in being so. You can take us to a black tie affair and we can work that room like it was made for us and later take us to a dive bar where we can own it the exact same way with a beer bottle in our hands. Northern women do not hold back and speak their minds. We can cuss like a sailor and also be as eloquent as poetry. We are fiery, passionate, women and have no problems calling people out. We enjoy a good argument and thrive under the pressures of a challenge.

Southern men simply are not prepared and are ill equipped to handle the likes of a Northern personality in a woman. We are intimidating and pushy to them and are way beyond what their mammas warned them about. The southern men in my life simply did not know how to handle me. I may have seemed intriguing at first but ultimately I scared them. The point in all this is my hypothesis. Yankee girls will do best to find Yankee men in their lives. Leave the southern men to the southern girls and we might all be better off.

 My husband loves analogies so I will end with one. There are two types of storm chasers; those who watch the twister from a safe distance, careful not to get too close and then there are those who get right in the middle of the storm. Northern men have no problems being the latter and I commend them for it.

 

Energy Vampires

        Last night, I was with a group talking about all sorts of things and one of the topics was energy vampires. The term itself raises eyebrows but before your mind gets too lost in images of Dracula and Twilight characters, redirect please because we have all come into contact with one of these.

       Energy Vampires are those negative people that enter your life and their very presence in it can literally suck the energy from you and leave you feeling tired and drained after contact with them. For some, it is a family member and others it is simply a friend whom for whatever reason you just can't shake. These people lurk everywhere. At work, school, and other various activities. A great quote was brought up from a Jewel song that says "Do not lend yourself to that which you wish to be free from." The obvious solution to these people in your life is to cut them loose and hope the door hits them on the way out. But as we all know, life is rarely so cut and dry. So then what?

      Protect and block. If by some cruel twist of fate you are forced to deal with the soul sucking negativity of an energy vamp, it is up to you to take control of the situation in order to preserve your own sanity. One way to deflect is to simply tune them out when they start to overwhelm you with their drama. If you are like me and internalize everything however, this is somewhat more difficult. So, what to do. A mental arsenal needs to be built and odd as this may seem, people in the paranormal fields use this as well so as to not absorb negative energy. One method is to use a talismen. Carry an object around in your pocket that you can draw positive strength from. When your boss from hell starts laying into you grab hold of that small object and draw strength from it. My husband carries about a bullet casing from the 21 gun salute at his brothers funeral. Oddly enough, his death is not what is remembered when he touches it, but his brothers strength, fortitude, and the love he had for him. I have a few objects that I can draw strength from but I chose a different method usually.

     A mental talismen, or state of mind, if visualized correctly, can act as a powerful shield against negative energy. My most powerful one is the one I call the Mother Bear. The most powerful love I have ever felt is the love I have for my children and the ones I love. I would break all rules and rationality for it and when threatened, it is a force to be reckoned with. Through many trials and tribulations I have learned to when I am hurt upset by others, it inadvertantly effects the ones I love negatively. That fierce protection instinct is my shield. When the negativity starts coming my way, I have to use this shield because I know that by letting it effect me, it will inevitably impact them and I will be damned if I will allow that.

     I am by no means perfect at doing this and I still let people get to me way more than I should. But by practicing that visualization of invoking a powerful emotion as a tool, I believe I can become better. Many limits of the mind are unknown and untapped. But I believe that this is a useful skill set to have and since the mind is a muscle, it should be utilized in many capacities. In this case, it helps you to be a more positive person with a protected psyche.



Finding a Balance

A friend of mine wrote a post today about saying what you mean and doing what you say and how this simple concept is not readily used in today's society. I have been thinking a lot about the world my children are entering into and I believe that we have gone a little to far in trying to protect our people and our children. She is right in what she said so I thought I would elaborate on it a bit.

The public school system in this country is a laughable joke, literally in some other countries. We have focused far too much attention on giving in to children's emotions, feelings, and social limitations that we have pretty much thrown learning out the window. I say this with firsthand knowledge, but teachers spend maybe 20% of their time teaching and the other 80% managing behavior. 50 years ago school was for learning, parents sided with the teacher, and corporal punishment was a real threat, kids learned something and there were no kids graduating without knowing how to read. Also sure that there were still bullies, learning disabilities and all other obstacles that kids face now but the majority came out relatively unscathyed. 

Here is what our country needs to do in order to become better. Simplify, people. The government is too big and corrupt. Take it back to how our founding fathers had it. Criminals should not get off on technicalities. Erase technicalities. Stupid lawsuits for spilling hot coffee on yourself and other useless get rich quick schemes should not be tolorated and thrown out and ignored. Medical lawsuits should be done away with, drug companies should stop making silly cosmetic drugs like eyelash enhancers and lower the cost of their critical products, and doctors should go back to actually caring about the patients, not the healthcare companies and drup reps. This would eliminate the healthcare crisis in this country.

 Just like driving, school should be a priveledge. You are being given an opportunity to better yourself. You want to show your ass and fool around and cause problems for that poor teacher all your classmates? Leave and don't come back. See how quick a parent can whip their kid into shape when they have to deal with their crap all day long and stay home with the little brat or find someone tolerant enough to do so. Parents need to go back to raising their kids and not pushing that responsibility off on day care and school systems. We need to take care of our elderly relatives too while we are at it. There are many family units these days but in trying to recognize all of them too many have lost the sense of family. That needs to be regained and quickly.

The government...oh this is a fun one. Quite simply, as an offical, you get paid the same as every other middle class blue collar worker out there and no one should be allowed to give themselves raises when being paid with government money. By simplifying the governement, your job becomes less. In 1776, our Congress and Senate was made up of forward minded candlemakers, printers, and farmers. That is where it needs to be again. Big businesses are TOO big and the word business literally claims to value primarily making as much income as possible. Business does not need to have any part in politics. We have so many choices now that we can afford to be selective without help from the government concerning what businesses we wish to back. We still may have taxation with representation but only barely. There is a tax on pretty much everything now. Pet tax, car tax, even tax on tax returns now. That needs to go. Tax the basics and move on with life. Maybe then our government will stop spending so much on petty frivolities and take a serious look at the budget and where it seriously should go.

We the people....that is written somewhere, is it not? We have become desensitized to what life is about. We have veered away from loving thy neighbor in a drastic way. Don't believe me? Ever watch those "What Would You Do" specials on TV? People walk right past a bad situation and only a few ever step forward to take action against it. Abortions, marraige, and all other social platforms should not be campaigning fodder. They are social so allow society to work that out on their own terms. We the people need to focus on gaining more as a community and less about trying to control every aspect of each others lives. This country is supposed to be a melting pot of not only different ethnicities but different ideologies as well. If this country wants to be better, we have to become more tolorant of each others beliefs and values. We have to scale down in a big way and stop trying to make so many rules that the system fails us. We have to stop overpaying musicians and athletes and start paying nurses and teachers. We, as a country, need to get our priorities strait and right now they are catywompus. One failed bomb attempt at an airport and we cannot bring water bottles through security. But how many school shootings have happened and still nothing done about that.

There will always be bad things out in this world. Murder, rape, poverty, bigotry, and corruption are all things that throughout the history of humanity have always been. It is likely they always will be. It is simply the balance of things. People in their self indulgent entitlement, have lost sight of the bigger picture. We all do, from time to time, but it seems to be trending more towards a permanant state of mind. What is wrong with this country is not the president, gun control, gay rights, or any other popular topic. It is the general attitude of it's citizens which needs to change before the history of this country repeats itself.