I tend to dwell on things and although I have become better at this, I still retain a mental note of anniversaries of both good and bad things that have happened to me kind of like a mile marker saying "Hey, you made it this far." I am coming up on a year marker of a series of events and choices that have guided and maintained some life altering changes for the past year and helped me to not only see the reality of things but face them head on as well.
My main lesson has been about people, those close to me and not so close. Like most lessons, I had a recap and a reminder. My recap was that most Marines, Lawyers, and Cowboys fans are not above taking advantage of situations, others, and have no problem being horrible people. Take all three and put them together and you have someone who basically has no soul.
The second part was learning about people close to me and it has been a hard one to swallow. I orphaned myself by choice and divorced those that took me at my weakest and tried to crush me and destroy anything good in my life simply because they felt they could. These same people have told me they loved me my whole life, are the ones I have counted on, confided in, and fought for. This kind of betrayal was worse than any I have ever felt in my whole life. I learned in the hardest of ways that a title and relationship you were born into doesn't have to exist if all it does is act on you in extreme and negative ways. The constant criticism, negativity, resentment, jealousy, and anger and the intensity in which it came at me was more than I could bear and it broke me. At my worst state it didn't stop and I was called every name in the book and the abuse intensified.
The last and most important part was learning about me. It wasn't until I took control, said enough, and cut them off completely, was I free. The absurd thing is, it had never occurred to me that I had the choice to control my own relationships. You have no idea how many problems throughout my life that one realization could have solved. Without that constant negativity at my back, I trust more in my own decisions and abilities. I do not doubt myself as much and therefore am more accepting of my life as it is and not so mixed up about the changes I need to make and the choices I have already made. It is so freeing and when I talk to others who have that same negative source in their life I encourage them to do what I have done, no matter how scary because the rewards are completely worth it.
Making mistakes is part of being human and I have made my fair share, especially in the past few years. But I have also learned that you are beholden only unto yourself and there is no one on on this earth who can be your judge, jury, and executioner. Those that see another in pain and/or weakness and prey on it act in this manner and are labeled abusers. Mental, emotional, and verbal abusive are just as damaging as physical abuse. I have suffered through them all and at the hands of people who claimed to love me unconditionally. Last year that same abuse was reached an all time high and was allowed to be continued by others and when I reached rock bottom, I said enough.
There is something so empowering about taking control for the fist time from people that would use you, taunt you, threaten and manipulate you all in the name of love. It hurts like hell but being able to not live in fear of the words and actions of others and being able to trust in yourself is a reward that is well worth it. In this year, I have grown in leaps and bounds as a wife, mother, woman and person. People who know nothing about this have said they see positive change in me. The abusers still rage on but all they have is gossip and as one wise woman told me, their range is short.
It's funny. I miss having those figures in my life but rarely do I find myself missing the actual people. Most often I look back and the negativity, even from years ago, seems so glaringly obvious and I wonder what took me so long to really see it. I see other people struggle through similar relationships and I wish they would try and adhere some form of what I have done to their own situations. You see, setting boundaries for your life isn't a negative thing. Those who rebel against a person doing this are those who are taking advantage of their absence. Ridiculous as it sounds, the boundaries I had to fight these people for were things such as..
I have the right to decide which couch I want in my own living room.
No, you may not give away my pets while I am on vacation because you think I have too many.
As a new mother, it is my job to be the mother to this child, not yours.
My child does not have a speech disability and your twice a year visits do not make you an expert on him.
The cars I chose to buy and the food I choose to eat are my choice.
It is my Facebook page. If I am not calling you out personally and hey, even if I am it is none of your business what I write or if I over share.
You have called me too thin and now I am too fat. Unless I ask you outright, your opinion on the subject isn't welcome.
I do not have to inform you of any medication I am taking or not taking. I am a grown woman and it is not your business to know.
My husband is not rich. This does not make him poor at money management or a failure at life, this makes him a NC public school teacher supporting a family of four on his own for years. The fact that you look down on him for this is more of a reflection of you than it ever will be of him.
There are so many more and some even more ridiculous than these but we could be here all day. I made my point and I do so only hoping that at least one person who reads this can relate and summon up the courage to no longer let their confidence be undermined by toxic people and take a stand for themselves.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Being Me
Finally...it is starting to happen! Five months ago I starting making some drastic changes to my life and underwent a transformation that has needed to occur for quite some time. I regret the toll that it took and the damage created for me to open my eyes but I am starting to see the positive effects of living my life in a different way and for the first time, knowing a kind of inner peace and acceptance that has eluded me for so long.
The silver lining that accompanies hitting rock bottom, is that you have to start rebuilding from the ground up. I have had so many voices I trusted and counted on telling me I couldn't do things, I wasn't enough, in so many capacities. The manipulation and verbal assaults throughout my life wore me down until I became nothing. After 33 years I have taken back the control and the backlash was and is, horrendous. But without the negativity and the people who created it, it has become easier for me to not fulfill this prophecy, and focus on and strengthen, the positive aspects in my life. My 6 yr. old son had an explanation after watching a movie, about the difference between surviving and living. Surviving is doing what you have to to just make it and simply be alive. Living is enjoying that life and thriving in it. I had to hide my tears when he said "So, its like Mommy. She was surviving, but now she is living."
I am. You wouldn't think that changing your own way of thinking is so difficult a task, but for me, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to throw out my own definitions of myself and others. My concepts took radical turns, and I had to dispose of the illusions I had been giving myself for all these years. I had to accept overwhelmingly hard truths. Then I had to start over in this new reality. It was frightening and heartbreaking and those emotions still get the best of me from time to time, but those days become less and less as time passes.
My view now? I have a good life. I have a really good life. I live in a city at the beach with so much culture, history, and experiences right at my fingertips. Living in a resort town means people pay for a vacation experience to have what I have everyday so why not take advantage myself? We live at the beaches written about in country songs and pristine warm waters filled with shipwrecks and pirate lore. So, my husband and I are going to get scuba certified (why I have lived here 15 yrs and just now done this, I have no clue). I am so excited to explore shipwrecks with my man and a few sand tiger sharks! We are going to spend a lot of time this summer on those shores at my favorite spots and with a few of my favorite people. We cannot afford vacation but tons of people vacation here so our locale for this staycation will work just fine.
I am going to continue to work. It is not work in the traditional sense, but god is it fun and exciting. You see, I have not had a 9-5 job in several years but in all honestly, those never made me all that happy. I will eventually go back to that kind of career path, in all likelihood, at some point. For now, however, my main focus is on being a wife and mom and I am secure and happy in that. Financially, we still do need me to bring in some dough. Wilmington has several nicknames, two of which are Wilmywood and Hollywood East. We are home to Screen Gems Studios and while I have done background extra work in the past here and there, I have gotten involved recently to the point of working on set and location at least once or twice a week. Last week, I even got a featured spot on a TV pilot. It brings in extra income and,with the amount of network shows and big movies being filmed now and into the summer, I feel confident I can make a sufficient contribution to our family income. I can act, although I never set out to be an actress, but it is something with a flexible schedule that also allows me to be there for my family. Plus, it is really freakin' cool!
I have love, real honest to god love, from incredible and supportive people. I was always of the impression that family were the people put into your life and I accepted that as truth. The problem is though, that out of those people I trusted, counted on, and loved some of the most important ones proved how little I mattered to them and broke my heart, my trust, and the very core of me. Having people whom you have loved, trusted, and needed your whole life viciously come after you, alters your reality in an a permanent way. Acceptance of what is, versus perception, is a hard thing to obtain. Part of that acceptance was not just letting go of them, but rebuilding a family of value, worth and respect. Some of those are blood relatives and others are people who should have been. My family now is a beautiful patchwork of people new and old who accept that I am flawed and love me anyway, understanding that I am not my mistakes. I simply have to be me in order to be loved. No one does this better than my children and my husband.
My husband....that man has had more reasons to leave than stay and yet he loves me inexplicably so. He has saved my life physically, mentally, and emotionally over these years and in all ways recently. It is funny that the rock bottom that should have ended us, has glued us together, made us stronger and forced us to face and fix problems that have been there for years. My faith in him was always somewhat reserved due to trust issues and how ironic that people who actually had it, shattered that trust, while he proved it, tenfold. He has it now, completely. My children are my heart. They say and do things daily which make me smile and inspire and encourage me in addition to the absolute pride I feel. I am determined to never let them know the heartbreak that a mother can bring. I will let them down and mess up but they will always know they have my support, love, and faith, no matter what.
Good things are happening and I refuse to believe it is just luck. Others see a change in me and look upon it favorably. I like this but more importantly, I am starting to like me a little more each day.
The silver lining that accompanies hitting rock bottom, is that you have to start rebuilding from the ground up. I have had so many voices I trusted and counted on telling me I couldn't do things, I wasn't enough, in so many capacities. The manipulation and verbal assaults throughout my life wore me down until I became nothing. After 33 years I have taken back the control and the backlash was and is, horrendous. But without the negativity and the people who created it, it has become easier for me to not fulfill this prophecy, and focus on and strengthen, the positive aspects in my life. My 6 yr. old son had an explanation after watching a movie, about the difference between surviving and living. Surviving is doing what you have to to just make it and simply be alive. Living is enjoying that life and thriving in it. I had to hide my tears when he said "So, its like Mommy. She was surviving, but now she is living."
I am. You wouldn't think that changing your own way of thinking is so difficult a task, but for me, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to throw out my own definitions of myself and others. My concepts took radical turns, and I had to dispose of the illusions I had been giving myself for all these years. I had to accept overwhelmingly hard truths. Then I had to start over in this new reality. It was frightening and heartbreaking and those emotions still get the best of me from time to time, but those days become less and less as time passes.
My view now? I have a good life. I have a really good life. I live in a city at the beach with so much culture, history, and experiences right at my fingertips. Living in a resort town means people pay for a vacation experience to have what I have everyday so why not take advantage myself? We live at the beaches written about in country songs and pristine warm waters filled with shipwrecks and pirate lore. So, my husband and I are going to get scuba certified (why I have lived here 15 yrs and just now done this, I have no clue). I am so excited to explore shipwrecks with my man and a few sand tiger sharks! We are going to spend a lot of time this summer on those shores at my favorite spots and with a few of my favorite people. We cannot afford vacation but tons of people vacation here so our locale for this staycation will work just fine.
I am going to continue to work. It is not work in the traditional sense, but god is it fun and exciting. You see, I have not had a 9-5 job in several years but in all honestly, those never made me all that happy. I will eventually go back to that kind of career path, in all likelihood, at some point. For now, however, my main focus is on being a wife and mom and I am secure and happy in that. Financially, we still do need me to bring in some dough. Wilmington has several nicknames, two of which are Wilmywood and Hollywood East. We are home to Screen Gems Studios and while I have done background extra work in the past here and there, I have gotten involved recently to the point of working on set and location at least once or twice a week. Last week, I even got a featured spot on a TV pilot. It brings in extra income and,with the amount of network shows and big movies being filmed now and into the summer, I feel confident I can make a sufficient contribution to our family income. I can act, although I never set out to be an actress, but it is something with a flexible schedule that also allows me to be there for my family. Plus, it is really freakin' cool!
I have love, real honest to god love, from incredible and supportive people. I was always of the impression that family were the people put into your life and I accepted that as truth. The problem is though, that out of those people I trusted, counted on, and loved some of the most important ones proved how little I mattered to them and broke my heart, my trust, and the very core of me. Having people whom you have loved, trusted, and needed your whole life viciously come after you, alters your reality in an a permanent way. Acceptance of what is, versus perception, is a hard thing to obtain. Part of that acceptance was not just letting go of them, but rebuilding a family of value, worth and respect. Some of those are blood relatives and others are people who should have been. My family now is a beautiful patchwork of people new and old who accept that I am flawed and love me anyway, understanding that I am not my mistakes. I simply have to be me in order to be loved. No one does this better than my children and my husband.
My husband....that man has had more reasons to leave than stay and yet he loves me inexplicably so. He has saved my life physically, mentally, and emotionally over these years and in all ways recently. It is funny that the rock bottom that should have ended us, has glued us together, made us stronger and forced us to face and fix problems that have been there for years. My faith in him was always somewhat reserved due to trust issues and how ironic that people who actually had it, shattered that trust, while he proved it, tenfold. He has it now, completely. My children are my heart. They say and do things daily which make me smile and inspire and encourage me in addition to the absolute pride I feel. I am determined to never let them know the heartbreak that a mother can bring. I will let them down and mess up but they will always know they have my support, love, and faith, no matter what.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Broken in 2013 Strength in 2014
This is the start of 2014 and if ever someone needed a fresh start, it is me. 2013 ended horribly for me and I have been broken down about as low as it gets. I have made realizations about myself and others that I probably should have known years ago and it would have saved me a whole lot of trouble and heartache. Many on Facebook have seen my memes and quotes and made a few guesses or became slightly worried and they had good reason, but I think I am out of the darkness just not out of the woods quite yet.
I made a decision to permanently cut all contact with family members whom I love but whose attacks, accusations, and verbal abuse daily, led me down a self destructive path. I needed to be cared about by people who have said they love me and support me my whole life. I needed them to put aside their issues and see the place they had put me in. They saw how broken I had become but it changed nothing which had me feeling so much worse. I jumped every time my phone made a sound and panicked when I saw the caller id. The simplest idea changed all of that.
I don't have to take this!
I really don't. Screaming at me doesn't solve their problems and while I have made some bad choices they certainly didn't deserve this measure of anger or verbal punishment. So I asked them to stop, a request which was ignored. My husband asked them to stop and if they had something to say, go through him. That too was ignored and led to his own taste of what I had been on the receiving end of. My wishes in any matter are usually overlooked and ignored with this lot so I blocked numbers and emails and resolved my own issue.
This all sounds easy but it was hard as hell. Divorcing family whether a spouse, friend, parent, or sibling is hard. Having someone you have loved so deeply and trusted with your deepest secrets betray your trust and bully you hurts badly. I have losses that I created and now grieve by finally laying boundaries for how I will allow someone to treat me. When it comes to aggressive, dominant people I am submissive to a fault. I don't mean to, but looking back on my relationships, romantic and otherwise, my lack of assertion played a large part in the failures. Living my life this way has led me to a very hopeless place and caused my self worth to be none existant. I put up boundaries and while it has had it's consequences, I am already feeling a teeny bit stronger.
I have established some incredibly strong supports in the way of some groups of people like me. My husband, I have no doubt now loves me unconditionally. He has been through every negative emotion there is through this and no one, not even me, would have blamed him if he walked away but he refused. What he has been to me through this, words cannot even describe. I have my small network of friends and some family that want to see me do ok in life and I am thankful for them.
So 2014 is a new start and since I did not get to a breaking point overnight, it will take a while to stand firm again but I will. I have good and bad days. I try not to rhuminate too much on what is past, or what could be down the road. I literally take it one day at a time because, well, reevaluating life after 33 years takes some time and effort. I have two incredible children that need a strong mother and if for no other reason, that is my driving force.
I made a decision to permanently cut all contact with family members whom I love but whose attacks, accusations, and verbal abuse daily, led me down a self destructive path. I needed to be cared about by people who have said they love me and support me my whole life. I needed them to put aside their issues and see the place they had put me in. They saw how broken I had become but it changed nothing which had me feeling so much worse. I jumped every time my phone made a sound and panicked when I saw the caller id. The simplest idea changed all of that.
I don't have to take this!
I really don't. Screaming at me doesn't solve their problems and while I have made some bad choices they certainly didn't deserve this measure of anger or verbal punishment. So I asked them to stop, a request which was ignored. My husband asked them to stop and if they had something to say, go through him. That too was ignored and led to his own taste of what I had been on the receiving end of. My wishes in any matter are usually overlooked and ignored with this lot so I blocked numbers and emails and resolved my own issue.
This all sounds easy but it was hard as hell. Divorcing family whether a spouse, friend, parent, or sibling is hard. Having someone you have loved so deeply and trusted with your deepest secrets betray your trust and bully you hurts badly. I have losses that I created and now grieve by finally laying boundaries for how I will allow someone to treat me. When it comes to aggressive, dominant people I am submissive to a fault. I don't mean to, but looking back on my relationships, romantic and otherwise, my lack of assertion played a large part in the failures. Living my life this way has led me to a very hopeless place and caused my self worth to be none existant. I put up boundaries and while it has had it's consequences, I am already feeling a teeny bit stronger.
I have established some incredibly strong supports in the way of some groups of people like me. My husband, I have no doubt now loves me unconditionally. He has been through every negative emotion there is through this and no one, not even me, would have blamed him if he walked away but he refused. What he has been to me through this, words cannot even describe. I have my small network of friends and some family that want to see me do ok in life and I am thankful for them.
So 2014 is a new start and since I did not get to a breaking point overnight, it will take a while to stand firm again but I will. I have good and bad days. I try not to rhuminate too much on what is past, or what could be down the road. I literally take it one day at a time because, well, reevaluating life after 33 years takes some time and effort. I have two incredible children that need a strong mother and if for no other reason, that is my driving force.
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