Annual Anniversary

I tend to dwell on things and although I have become better at this, I still retain a mental note of anniversaries of both good and bad things that have happened to me kind of like a mile marker saying "Hey, you made it this far." I am coming up on a year marker of a series of events and choices that have guided and maintained some life altering changes for the past year and helped me to not only see the reality of things but face them head on as well.

My main lesson has been about people, those close to me and not so close. Like most lessons, I had a recap and a reminder. My recap was that most Marines, Lawyers, and Cowboys fans are not above taking advantage of situations, others, and have no problem being horrible people. Take all three and put them together and you have someone who basically has no soul.

The second part was learning about people close to me and it has been a hard one to swallow. I orphaned myself by choice and divorced those that took me at my weakest and tried to crush me and destroy anything good in my life simply because they felt they could. These same people have told me they loved me my whole life, are the ones I have counted on, confided in, and fought for. This kind of betrayal was worse than any I have ever felt in my whole life. I learned in the hardest of ways that a title and relationship you were born into doesn't have to exist if all it does is act on you in extreme and negative ways. The constant criticism, negativity, resentment, jealousy, and anger and the intensity in which it came at me was more than I could bear and it broke me. At my worst state it didn't stop and I was called every name in the book and the abuse intensified.

The last and most important part was learning about me. It wasn't until I took control, said enough, and cut them off completely, was I free. The absurd thing is, it had never occurred to me that I had the choice to control my own relationships. You have no idea how many problems throughout my life that one realization could have solved. Without that constant negativity at my back, I trust more in my own decisions and abilities. I do not doubt myself as much and therefore am more accepting of my life as it is and not so mixed up about the changes I need to make and the choices I have already made. It is so freeing and when I talk to others who have that same negative source in their life I encourage them to do what I have done, no matter how scary because the rewards are completely worth it.

Making mistakes is part of being human and I have made my fair share, especially in the past few years. But I have also learned that you are beholden only unto yourself and there is no one on on this earth who can be your judge, jury, and executioner. Those that see another in pain and/or weakness and prey on it act in this manner and are labeled abusers. Mental, emotional, and verbal abusive are just as damaging as physical abuse. I have suffered through them all and at the hands of people who claimed to love me unconditionally. Last year that same abuse was reached an all time high and was allowed to be continued by others and when I reached rock bottom, I said enough.

There is something so empowering about taking control for the fist time from people that would use you, taunt you, threaten and manipulate you all in the name of love. It hurts like hell but being able to not live in fear of the words and actions of others and being able to trust in yourself is a reward that is well worth it. In this year, I have grown in leaps and bounds as a wife, mother, woman and person. People who know nothing about this have said they see positive change in me. The abusers still rage on but all they have is gossip and as one wise woman told me, their range is short.

It's funny. I miss having those figures in my life but rarely do I find myself missing the actual people. Most often I look back and the negativity, even from years ago, seems so glaringly obvious and I wonder what took me so long to really see it. I see other people struggle through similar relationships and I wish they would try and adhere some form of what I have done to their own situations. You see, setting boundaries for your life isn't a negative thing. Those who rebel against a person doing this are those who are taking advantage of their absence. Ridiculous as it sounds, the boundaries I had to fight these people for were things such as..

I have the right to decide which couch I want in my own living room.

No, you may not give away my pets while I am on vacation because you think I have too many.

As a new mother, it is my job to be the mother to this child, not yours.

My child does not have a speech disability and your twice a year visits do not make you an expert on him.

The cars I chose to buy and the food I choose to eat are my choice.

It is my Facebook page. If I am not calling you out personally and hey, even if I am it is none of your business what I write or if I over share.

You have called me too thin and now I am too fat. Unless I ask you outright, your opinion on the subject isn't welcome.

I do not have to inform you of any medication I am taking or not taking. I am a grown woman and it is not your business to know.

My husband is not rich. This does not make him poor at money management or a failure at life, this makes him a NC public school teacher supporting a family of four on his own for years. The fact that you look down on him for this is more of a reflection of you than it ever will be of him.



There are so many more and some even more ridiculous than these but we could be here all day. I made my point and I do so only hoping that at least one person who reads this can relate and summon up the courage to no longer let their confidence be undermined by toxic people and take a stand for themselves.