I tend to dwell on things and although I have become better at this, I still retain a mental note of anniversaries of both good and bad things that have happened to me kind of like a mile marker saying "Hey, you made it this far." I am coming up on a year marker of a series of events and choices that have guided and maintained some life altering changes for the past year and helped me to not only see the reality of things but face them head on as well.
My main lesson has been about people, those close to me and not so close. Like most lessons, I had a recap and a reminder. My recap was that most Marines, Lawyers, and Cowboys fans are not above taking advantage of situations, others, and have no problem being horrible people. Take all three and put them together and you have someone who basically has no soul.
The second part was learning about people close to me and it has been a hard one to swallow. I orphaned myself by choice and divorced those that took me at my weakest and tried to crush me and destroy anything good in my life simply because they felt they could. These same people have told me they loved me my whole life, are the ones I have counted on, confided in, and fought for. This kind of betrayal was worse than any I have ever felt in my whole life. I learned in the hardest of ways that a title and relationship you were born into doesn't have to exist if all it does is act on you in extreme and negative ways. The constant criticism, negativity, resentment, jealousy, and anger and the intensity in which it came at me was more than I could bear and it broke me. At my worst state it didn't stop and I was called every name in the book and the abuse intensified.
The last and most important part was learning about me. It wasn't until I took control, said enough, and cut them off completely, was I free. The absurd thing is, it had never occurred to me that I had the choice to control my own relationships. You have no idea how many problems throughout my life that one realization could have solved. Without that constant negativity at my back, I trust more in my own decisions and abilities. I do not doubt myself as much and therefore am more accepting of my life as it is and not so mixed up about the changes I need to make and the choices I have already made. It is so freeing and when I talk to others who have that same negative source in their life I encourage them to do what I have done, no matter how scary because the rewards are completely worth it.
Making mistakes is part of being human and I have made my fair share, especially in the past few years. But I have also learned that you are beholden only unto yourself and there is no one on on this earth who can be your judge, jury, and executioner. Those that see another in pain and/or weakness and prey on it act in this manner and are labeled abusers. Mental, emotional, and verbal abusive are just as damaging as physical abuse. I have suffered through them all and at the hands of people who claimed to love me unconditionally. Last year that same abuse was reached an all time high and was allowed to be continued by others and when I reached rock bottom, I said enough.
There is something so empowering about taking control for the fist time from people that would use you, taunt you, threaten and manipulate you all in the name of love. It hurts like hell but being able to not live in fear of the words and actions of others and being able to trust in yourself is a reward that is well worth it. In this year, I have grown in leaps and bounds as a wife, mother, woman and person. People who know nothing about this have said they see positive change in me. The abusers still rage on but all they have is gossip and as one wise woman told me, their range is short.
It's funny. I miss having those figures in my life but rarely do I find myself missing the actual people. Most often I look back and the negativity, even from years ago, seems so glaringly obvious and I wonder what took me so long to really see it. I see other people struggle through similar relationships and I wish they would try and adhere some form of what I have done to their own situations. You see, setting boundaries for your life isn't a negative thing. Those who rebel against a person doing this are those who are taking advantage of their absence. Ridiculous as it sounds, the boundaries I had to fight these people for were things such as..
I have the right to decide which couch I want in my own living room.
No, you may not give away my pets while I am on vacation because you think I have too many.
As a new mother, it is my job to be the mother to this child, not yours.
My child does not have a speech disability and your twice a year visits do not make you an expert on him.
The cars I chose to buy and the food I choose to eat are my choice.
It is my Facebook page. If I am not calling you out personally and hey, even if I am it is none of your business what I write or if I over share.
You have called me too thin and now I am too fat. Unless I ask you outright, your opinion on the subject isn't welcome.
I do not have to inform you of any medication I am taking or not taking. I am a grown woman and it is not your business to know.
My husband is not rich. This does not make him poor at money management or a failure at life, this makes him a NC public school teacher supporting a family of four on his own for years. The fact that you look down on him for this is more of a reflection of you than it ever will be of him.
There are so many more and some even more ridiculous than these but we could be here all day. I made my point and I do so only hoping that at least one person who reads this can relate and summon up the courage to no longer let their confidence be undermined by toxic people and take a stand for themselves.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Being Me
Finally...it is starting to happen! Five months ago I starting making some drastic changes to my life and underwent a transformation that has needed to occur for quite some time. I regret the toll that it took and the damage created for me to open my eyes but I am starting to see the positive effects of living my life in a different way and for the first time, knowing a kind of inner peace and acceptance that has eluded me for so long.
The silver lining that accompanies hitting rock bottom, is that you have to start rebuilding from the ground up. I have had so many voices I trusted and counted on telling me I couldn't do things, I wasn't enough, in so many capacities. The manipulation and verbal assaults throughout my life wore me down until I became nothing. After 33 years I have taken back the control and the backlash was and is, horrendous. But without the negativity and the people who created it, it has become easier for me to not fulfill this prophecy, and focus on and strengthen, the positive aspects in my life. My 6 yr. old son had an explanation after watching a movie, about the difference between surviving and living. Surviving is doing what you have to to just make it and simply be alive. Living is enjoying that life and thriving in it. I had to hide my tears when he said "So, its like Mommy. She was surviving, but now she is living."
I am. You wouldn't think that changing your own way of thinking is so difficult a task, but for me, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to throw out my own definitions of myself and others. My concepts took radical turns, and I had to dispose of the illusions I had been giving myself for all these years. I had to accept overwhelmingly hard truths. Then I had to start over in this new reality. It was frightening and heartbreaking and those emotions still get the best of me from time to time, but those days become less and less as time passes.
My view now? I have a good life. I have a really good life. I live in a city at the beach with so much culture, history, and experiences right at my fingertips. Living in a resort town means people pay for a vacation experience to have what I have everyday so why not take advantage myself? We live at the beaches written about in country songs and pristine warm waters filled with shipwrecks and pirate lore. So, my husband and I are going to get scuba certified (why I have lived here 15 yrs and just now done this, I have no clue). I am so excited to explore shipwrecks with my man and a few sand tiger sharks! We are going to spend a lot of time this summer on those shores at my favorite spots and with a few of my favorite people. We cannot afford vacation but tons of people vacation here so our locale for this staycation will work just fine.
I am going to continue to work. It is not work in the traditional sense, but god is it fun and exciting. You see, I have not had a 9-5 job in several years but in all honestly, those never made me all that happy. I will eventually go back to that kind of career path, in all likelihood, at some point. For now, however, my main focus is on being a wife and mom and I am secure and happy in that. Financially, we still do need me to bring in some dough. Wilmington has several nicknames, two of which are Wilmywood and Hollywood East. We are home to Screen Gems Studios and while I have done background extra work in the past here and there, I have gotten involved recently to the point of working on set and location at least once or twice a week. Last week, I even got a featured spot on a TV pilot. It brings in extra income and,with the amount of network shows and big movies being filmed now and into the summer, I feel confident I can make a sufficient contribution to our family income. I can act, although I never set out to be an actress, but it is something with a flexible schedule that also allows me to be there for my family. Plus, it is really freakin' cool!
I have love, real honest to god love, from incredible and supportive people. I was always of the impression that family were the people put into your life and I accepted that as truth. The problem is though, that out of those people I trusted, counted on, and loved some of the most important ones proved how little I mattered to them and broke my heart, my trust, and the very core of me. Having people whom you have loved, trusted, and needed your whole life viciously come after you, alters your reality in an a permanent way. Acceptance of what is, versus perception, is a hard thing to obtain. Part of that acceptance was not just letting go of them, but rebuilding a family of value, worth and respect. Some of those are blood relatives and others are people who should have been. My family now is a beautiful patchwork of people new and old who accept that I am flawed and love me anyway, understanding that I am not my mistakes. I simply have to be me in order to be loved. No one does this better than my children and my husband.
My husband....that man has had more reasons to leave than stay and yet he loves me inexplicably so. He has saved my life physically, mentally, and emotionally over these years and in all ways recently. It is funny that the rock bottom that should have ended us, has glued us together, made us stronger and forced us to face and fix problems that have been there for years. My faith in him was always somewhat reserved due to trust issues and how ironic that people who actually had it, shattered that trust, while he proved it, tenfold. He has it now, completely. My children are my heart. They say and do things daily which make me smile and inspire and encourage me in addition to the absolute pride I feel. I am determined to never let them know the heartbreak that a mother can bring. I will let them down and mess up but they will always know they have my support, love, and faith, no matter what.
Good things are happening and I refuse to believe it is just luck. Others see a change in me and look upon it favorably. I like this but more importantly, I am starting to like me a little more each day.
The silver lining that accompanies hitting rock bottom, is that you have to start rebuilding from the ground up. I have had so many voices I trusted and counted on telling me I couldn't do things, I wasn't enough, in so many capacities. The manipulation and verbal assaults throughout my life wore me down until I became nothing. After 33 years I have taken back the control and the backlash was and is, horrendous. But without the negativity and the people who created it, it has become easier for me to not fulfill this prophecy, and focus on and strengthen, the positive aspects in my life. My 6 yr. old son had an explanation after watching a movie, about the difference between surviving and living. Surviving is doing what you have to to just make it and simply be alive. Living is enjoying that life and thriving in it. I had to hide my tears when he said "So, its like Mommy. She was surviving, but now she is living."
I am. You wouldn't think that changing your own way of thinking is so difficult a task, but for me, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to throw out my own definitions of myself and others. My concepts took radical turns, and I had to dispose of the illusions I had been giving myself for all these years. I had to accept overwhelmingly hard truths. Then I had to start over in this new reality. It was frightening and heartbreaking and those emotions still get the best of me from time to time, but those days become less and less as time passes.
My view now? I have a good life. I have a really good life. I live in a city at the beach with so much culture, history, and experiences right at my fingertips. Living in a resort town means people pay for a vacation experience to have what I have everyday so why not take advantage myself? We live at the beaches written about in country songs and pristine warm waters filled with shipwrecks and pirate lore. So, my husband and I are going to get scuba certified (why I have lived here 15 yrs and just now done this, I have no clue). I am so excited to explore shipwrecks with my man and a few sand tiger sharks! We are going to spend a lot of time this summer on those shores at my favorite spots and with a few of my favorite people. We cannot afford vacation but tons of people vacation here so our locale for this staycation will work just fine.
I am going to continue to work. It is not work in the traditional sense, but god is it fun and exciting. You see, I have not had a 9-5 job in several years but in all honestly, those never made me all that happy. I will eventually go back to that kind of career path, in all likelihood, at some point. For now, however, my main focus is on being a wife and mom and I am secure and happy in that. Financially, we still do need me to bring in some dough. Wilmington has several nicknames, two of which are Wilmywood and Hollywood East. We are home to Screen Gems Studios and while I have done background extra work in the past here and there, I have gotten involved recently to the point of working on set and location at least once or twice a week. Last week, I even got a featured spot on a TV pilot. It brings in extra income and,with the amount of network shows and big movies being filmed now and into the summer, I feel confident I can make a sufficient contribution to our family income. I can act, although I never set out to be an actress, but it is something with a flexible schedule that also allows me to be there for my family. Plus, it is really freakin' cool!
I have love, real honest to god love, from incredible and supportive people. I was always of the impression that family were the people put into your life and I accepted that as truth. The problem is though, that out of those people I trusted, counted on, and loved some of the most important ones proved how little I mattered to them and broke my heart, my trust, and the very core of me. Having people whom you have loved, trusted, and needed your whole life viciously come after you, alters your reality in an a permanent way. Acceptance of what is, versus perception, is a hard thing to obtain. Part of that acceptance was not just letting go of them, but rebuilding a family of value, worth and respect. Some of those are blood relatives and others are people who should have been. My family now is a beautiful patchwork of people new and old who accept that I am flawed and love me anyway, understanding that I am not my mistakes. I simply have to be me in order to be loved. No one does this better than my children and my husband.
My husband....that man has had more reasons to leave than stay and yet he loves me inexplicably so. He has saved my life physically, mentally, and emotionally over these years and in all ways recently. It is funny that the rock bottom that should have ended us, has glued us together, made us stronger and forced us to face and fix problems that have been there for years. My faith in him was always somewhat reserved due to trust issues and how ironic that people who actually had it, shattered that trust, while he proved it, tenfold. He has it now, completely. My children are my heart. They say and do things daily which make me smile and inspire and encourage me in addition to the absolute pride I feel. I am determined to never let them know the heartbreak that a mother can bring. I will let them down and mess up but they will always know they have my support, love, and faith, no matter what.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Broken in 2013 Strength in 2014
This is the start of 2014 and if ever someone needed a fresh start, it is me. 2013 ended horribly for me and I have been broken down about as low as it gets. I have made realizations about myself and others that I probably should have known years ago and it would have saved me a whole lot of trouble and heartache. Many on Facebook have seen my memes and quotes and made a few guesses or became slightly worried and they had good reason, but I think I am out of the darkness just not out of the woods quite yet.
I made a decision to permanently cut all contact with family members whom I love but whose attacks, accusations, and verbal abuse daily, led me down a self destructive path. I needed to be cared about by people who have said they love me and support me my whole life. I needed them to put aside their issues and see the place they had put me in. They saw how broken I had become but it changed nothing which had me feeling so much worse. I jumped every time my phone made a sound and panicked when I saw the caller id. The simplest idea changed all of that.
I don't have to take this!
I really don't. Screaming at me doesn't solve their problems and while I have made some bad choices they certainly didn't deserve this measure of anger or verbal punishment. So I asked them to stop, a request which was ignored. My husband asked them to stop and if they had something to say, go through him. That too was ignored and led to his own taste of what I had been on the receiving end of. My wishes in any matter are usually overlooked and ignored with this lot so I blocked numbers and emails and resolved my own issue.
This all sounds easy but it was hard as hell. Divorcing family whether a spouse, friend, parent, or sibling is hard. Having someone you have loved so deeply and trusted with your deepest secrets betray your trust and bully you hurts badly. I have losses that I created and now grieve by finally laying boundaries for how I will allow someone to treat me. When it comes to aggressive, dominant people I am submissive to a fault. I don't mean to, but looking back on my relationships, romantic and otherwise, my lack of assertion played a large part in the failures. Living my life this way has led me to a very hopeless place and caused my self worth to be none existant. I put up boundaries and while it has had it's consequences, I am already feeling a teeny bit stronger.
I have established some incredibly strong supports in the way of some groups of people like me. My husband, I have no doubt now loves me unconditionally. He has been through every negative emotion there is through this and no one, not even me, would have blamed him if he walked away but he refused. What he has been to me through this, words cannot even describe. I have my small network of friends and some family that want to see me do ok in life and I am thankful for them.
So 2014 is a new start and since I did not get to a breaking point overnight, it will take a while to stand firm again but I will. I have good and bad days. I try not to rhuminate too much on what is past, or what could be down the road. I literally take it one day at a time because, well, reevaluating life after 33 years takes some time and effort. I have two incredible children that need a strong mother and if for no other reason, that is my driving force.
I made a decision to permanently cut all contact with family members whom I love but whose attacks, accusations, and verbal abuse daily, led me down a self destructive path. I needed to be cared about by people who have said they love me and support me my whole life. I needed them to put aside their issues and see the place they had put me in. They saw how broken I had become but it changed nothing which had me feeling so much worse. I jumped every time my phone made a sound and panicked when I saw the caller id. The simplest idea changed all of that.
I don't have to take this!
I really don't. Screaming at me doesn't solve their problems and while I have made some bad choices they certainly didn't deserve this measure of anger or verbal punishment. So I asked them to stop, a request which was ignored. My husband asked them to stop and if they had something to say, go through him. That too was ignored and led to his own taste of what I had been on the receiving end of. My wishes in any matter are usually overlooked and ignored with this lot so I blocked numbers and emails and resolved my own issue.
This all sounds easy but it was hard as hell. Divorcing family whether a spouse, friend, parent, or sibling is hard. Having someone you have loved so deeply and trusted with your deepest secrets betray your trust and bully you hurts badly. I have losses that I created and now grieve by finally laying boundaries for how I will allow someone to treat me. When it comes to aggressive, dominant people I am submissive to a fault. I don't mean to, but looking back on my relationships, romantic and otherwise, my lack of assertion played a large part in the failures. Living my life this way has led me to a very hopeless place and caused my self worth to be none existant. I put up boundaries and while it has had it's consequences, I am already feeling a teeny bit stronger.
I have established some incredibly strong supports in the way of some groups of people like me. My husband, I have no doubt now loves me unconditionally. He has been through every negative emotion there is through this and no one, not even me, would have blamed him if he walked away but he refused. What he has been to me through this, words cannot even describe. I have my small network of friends and some family that want to see me do ok in life and I am thankful for them.
So 2014 is a new start and since I did not get to a breaking point overnight, it will take a while to stand firm again but I will. I have good and bad days. I try not to rhuminate too much on what is past, or what could be down the road. I literally take it one day at a time because, well, reevaluating life after 33 years takes some time and effort. I have two incredible children that need a strong mother and if for no other reason, that is my driving force.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Why Ya Gotta Be So Mean?
I love Taylor Swift. Yes I said it and I meant it and you can disagree but it won't change how I feel. That girl wears her heart on her sleeve and has the ability to write lyrics that say just how I feel about so many relationships. Brokenhearted and hurt and sad are her thing and I can more than relate. Problem is, it hasn't done me much good to continue getting stuck in that state and recently I hit rock bottom because of it. If it wasn't rock bottom, it was pretty damn close.
I am not going to air out all my dirty laundry online but I do wish to speak to a few of the situations I am finding myself in and I expect that like Taylor's songs do for me, a few of these scenarios might hit a chord or two for you if you are reading this. On to my first point.
I am not responsible for someone else's actions and/or inactions. People, this is in Psych 101 and I am finding that I am being blamed for not only my actions but the actions and professionalism of someone else as well. Now, does putting it in writing make anyone else aware of how silly this is? No matter what situation you create in your head here, I am NOT responsible for how another person does or does not do his job. If you have a problem with the product of his work or his professionalism or lack thereof, take it up with him. Do not put that on me. It serves no purpose, fixes nothing, and has only led to making things worse. I am accountable only for what I have done and blaming me for other people's mistakes as well as my own serves no purpose, obtains no goal and only serves to place more blame and hurt on an already broken person.
Stop involving everyone you know in an issue that does not concern them. This has been going on for years with me and it needs to stop. So one person sends an email to another about a private issue. This person then forwards it to a bunch of people, calls these people and circles the wagons to prepare for an onslaught attack. Well now they have gathered a posse all to gang up on someone. How very grade school bully of you. Involving other people in arguments with another is not venting or trying to work things out. Taking all the people you have in common and trying to turn them all against the other is extremely manipulative and hateful. It is essentially attempting to take away any and all support in an effort to show your dominance and power through fear and aggression. This is a war strategy and to use it against someone you claim to love when it wields no positive outcome in order to make them submissive is both sadistic and cruel and serves no real purpose. So I say do your worst. Anyone who wants to continue to beat me down while I try to get up or knock the supports out from under me while I try to stand again and does it all in your name, I have no use for this at the moment. As long as they wish to be hurtful for cruelty's sake, I am done no matter how much I don't want to be because I have to be.
I have made mistakes, a lot of mistakes. We all have in our lives and some are bigger than others. There is nothing you can do about the mistakes of the past and to have people continue to throw them in your face and degrade you helps no one. Telling me I was wrong does nothing. I am not stupid. I already know my mistakes and many of them I have paid for more than any one person could know. However, if you are in my life it is because I want you there. Friend or family, I have created a support system which doesn't mean you have to agree with everything I say and do or that you cannot have feelings or emotions one way or the other. However, I have taken actions to remedy my errors, to do the right thing and to try and become a better person. Either help that process along so that a positive goal can be reached or go away. Hating on me just creates drama and negatively and makes everyone's life more difficult. It is like trying to swim while someone is trying to drown you. Guess, what? You both go under.
So I will still probably continue to listen to Taylor and wear my heart on my sleeve the way she does. But I need to start taking on a little of Miranda Lamberts attitude too and maybe, just maybe, I can end up with a Carrie Underwood type of view on people in general.
Just change "cheated on" to "hurt" =)
Friday, November 8, 2013
Happy Endings Don't Exist
Major events have been taking place in my life this year, more so than most and one of them has just come to an end, for the most part. It got me thinking about endings of any nature and it became apparent that an ending in any situation, is never a truly happy one because of one simple reason. Whether it is the end of a problem, relationship, life, or something positive, an ending is final and permanent and the window of opportunity for change in any way is over and irreversible.
Many people know about the troubles my family has been dealing with regarding my sister and the Air Force. A few days ago, a final decision was reached and the outcome was not good and now it is done. There will be an appeal but that is all just lawyers and paper and doesn't require the involvement and support that has been needed throughout this process. As my plane was leaving St. Louis, it felt like I was leaving an important piece of my life behind. I was leaving with the knowledge that I would never return. What took place there was so irrevocably final and gone and all the moments, good and bad, all the opportunities for change, all the hopes and disappointments were now over. Instead I am now left with a void that has me confused and saddened. . In the Princess Bride, Inigo says to Wesley "I've been in the revenge business for so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life." Mandy Patinkin focuses on the revenge part but I saw it differently. The same emotions apply in that, when something so large permeates your life in such a way and takes a toll on so many aspects of your life, the fact that it is concluded leaves you with a choice to either put it behind you and charge ahead or it has you reflecting, if only to ensure that the important significance and impact is not lost with time. But sometimes closing a door doesn't always open a window or if it does, that window can be hard to find leaving you not knowing what to charge ahead to.
For my family, this whole ordeal has been a nightmare in every way possible. But as I watched the arch fade away, I started to immediately miss the few good moments that had occurred in the midst of this mess. City Museum is one of the most incredible places I have ever seen and the memories made there immediately stand out in my mind. I was able to see people like Marla whom I have not seen in a long time. There were conversations had that were more real than they have been in years. We all came together and stood against a common enemy as a united front. We met good people like Ann and Gene and through them and others gained different insights and perspectives. All of these things I hated to leave behind.
But then there was all the fighting. The environment itself seemed to feed hostility, insecurity, and resentment. There was fighting in and out of the courtroom. Tensions and emotions became high and with the women of this family, arguments are inevitable anyway. Being there under those circumstances only aggravated and amplified everything.
Fighting and arguing is an interesting thing. It honestly has more to do with yourself than it does others. Often conflict is perpetuated simply to ensure that you are not forgotten. By speaking up and asserting yourself, by continuing an argument or starting one, you solidify that you will be thought of, in one way or another, renting space in someones head. Being thought about makes us all feel important, even when that thought has negative connotations. I realize that most of my fights, especially during this trial, are done on my part because I do not feel I matter, I never have and I want to. My ambitions are probably why I am so bad at it. I was so afraid of that inevitable ending and what it meant for me, being forgotten or discarded afterwards because I was no longer needed or useful, I handled very few things well and now that finality has set in, my fears realized and life uncertain.
Many people know about the troubles my family has been dealing with regarding my sister and the Air Force. A few days ago, a final decision was reached and the outcome was not good and now it is done. There will be an appeal but that is all just lawyers and paper and doesn't require the involvement and support that has been needed throughout this process. As my plane was leaving St. Louis, it felt like I was leaving an important piece of my life behind. I was leaving with the knowledge that I would never return. What took place there was so irrevocably final and gone and all the moments, good and bad, all the opportunities for change, all the hopes and disappointments were now over. Instead I am now left with a void that has me confused and saddened. . In the Princess Bride, Inigo says to Wesley "I've been in the revenge business for so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life." Mandy Patinkin focuses on the revenge part but I saw it differently. The same emotions apply in that, when something so large permeates your life in such a way and takes a toll on so many aspects of your life, the fact that it is concluded leaves you with a choice to either put it behind you and charge ahead or it has you reflecting, if only to ensure that the important significance and impact is not lost with time. But sometimes closing a door doesn't always open a window or if it does, that window can be hard to find leaving you not knowing what to charge ahead to.
For my family, this whole ordeal has been a nightmare in every way possible. But as I watched the arch fade away, I started to immediately miss the few good moments that had occurred in the midst of this mess. City Museum is one of the most incredible places I have ever seen and the memories made there immediately stand out in my mind. I was able to see people like Marla whom I have not seen in a long time. There were conversations had that were more real than they have been in years. We all came together and stood against a common enemy as a united front. We met good people like Ann and Gene and through them and others gained different insights and perspectives. All of these things I hated to leave behind.
But then there was all the fighting. The environment itself seemed to feed hostility, insecurity, and resentment. There was fighting in and out of the courtroom. Tensions and emotions became high and with the women of this family, arguments are inevitable anyway. Being there under those circumstances only aggravated and amplified everything.
Fighting and arguing is an interesting thing. It honestly has more to do with yourself than it does others. Often conflict is perpetuated simply to ensure that you are not forgotten. By speaking up and asserting yourself, by continuing an argument or starting one, you solidify that you will be thought of, in one way or another, renting space in someones head. Being thought about makes us all feel important, even when that thought has negative connotations. I realize that most of my fights, especially during this trial, are done on my part because I do not feel I matter, I never have and I want to. My ambitions are probably why I am so bad at it. I was so afraid of that inevitable ending and what it meant for me, being forgotten or discarded afterwards because I was no longer needed or useful, I handled very few things well and now that finality has set in, my fears realized and life uncertain.
Monday, September 2, 2013
My Craptastic Summer
I can't sleep. It is after midnight and I have a million things to do this week and I am so tired and yet sleep eludes me because my mind races and deliberates, mainly over recent events. I am angry and sad and so damn bitter it isn't funny and I push all this aside to be there for the people I love but all of it turns into a resentment that churns in me as I mull it all over and over again in my head.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my daughter's preschool open house and the next day she is supposed to start and my anxiety level is at an all time high for a plethora of reasons. You see, it has been months since I have seen these people and the obvious questions will arise of "How are you?" "How was your summer?". Most of the time I would politely answer "Fine, how are you? How was your summer?" But at this place and tomorrow, I am going to have a very hard time doing that.
I have been going to this church on and off my whole adult life and even though I am not terribly religious, it has recently been a large part of my life as my children went to preschool there, I worked there, sang there, and did other various things there as well. This summer was quite possibly the worst of my entire life and my retort to these exchanges of pleasantries is supposed to be fake and "fine". I suppose I could reply with "Well, my husband came hours away from death, my cat did die, my pet squirrel ran away, the Air Force is starving and persecuting my sister, we are thousands of dollars in debt and counting with medical bills, oh and this lovely school let me go last month. How was your summer?"
My bitterness in this situation in particular is that if one good thing came out of my husbands 2 week hospital stay, it was that I became acutely aware of the people who care about us and the people who do not. It is sad to say, but in that church, the numbers of the latter are staggering. The preschool director spoke with me hours after we were admitted at the hospital out of sheer coincidence, but I heard from no one there again until the day before he was released. There were no texts, calls, visits, nothing but two Facebook posts from the people whom I had called co workers and who my children had called teachers for years. Even the two priests from the church came for several hospital bedside visits. Then again, the seafood restaurant that my husband had worked for off and on since 1998 couldn't be bothered to even do that, even with the late owner being a personal friend of his.
Honestly, if it were not for my grandparents involvement and the choir in which I have found a mini family, I would have nothing more to do with that church. Last week was the first time I sat through a Sunday without bursting into tears and leaving. I debated sending my daughter back because not only was I dismissed but one of the best teachers there, was let go for what I believe to be personal reasons rather than on the basis of professional merit. This is bad business and makes me question what exactly is going on there and since I am now just an outsider parent, I have every right to. But at this point, there is no other school to send her to that has an opening and I also do not want my troubles to be inflicted on her any more than they have to be. Therefore, we are giving it a shot and we will see how it ends up along with the rest of the mess surrounding me.
When I went to visit my sister she brought up a very valid principle of basic attribution psychology. Basically, if bad things happen to a person, it is perceived that they must be bad or deserving of these negative conflicts because bad things just don't happen to good people. This is the Just World Hypothesis and is an assumption that a person's actions always bring fitting consequences to that person, so that all noble actions are eventually rewarded and all evil actions are eventually punished. Most intelligent people read that last sentence and realize that bad things happen to everyone but in this culture and especially in a religious one, this is ingrained and can be conveyed unconsciously by many. My fear is that this was already present with this group of people tomorrow and by not playing the game with a smile on my face, I will simply confirm that I indeed, must be a bad person deserving of all my woes.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my daughter's preschool open house and the next day she is supposed to start and my anxiety level is at an all time high for a plethora of reasons. You see, it has been months since I have seen these people and the obvious questions will arise of "How are you?" "How was your summer?". Most of the time I would politely answer "Fine, how are you? How was your summer?" But at this place and tomorrow, I am going to have a very hard time doing that.
I have been going to this church on and off my whole adult life and even though I am not terribly religious, it has recently been a large part of my life as my children went to preschool there, I worked there, sang there, and did other various things there as well. This summer was quite possibly the worst of my entire life and my retort to these exchanges of pleasantries is supposed to be fake and "fine". I suppose I could reply with "Well, my husband came hours away from death, my cat did die, my pet squirrel ran away, the Air Force is starving and persecuting my sister, we are thousands of dollars in debt and counting with medical bills, oh and this lovely school let me go last month. How was your summer?"
My bitterness in this situation in particular is that if one good thing came out of my husbands 2 week hospital stay, it was that I became acutely aware of the people who care about us and the people who do not. It is sad to say, but in that church, the numbers of the latter are staggering. The preschool director spoke with me hours after we were admitted at the hospital out of sheer coincidence, but I heard from no one there again until the day before he was released. There were no texts, calls, visits, nothing but two Facebook posts from the people whom I had called co workers and who my children had called teachers for years. Even the two priests from the church came for several hospital bedside visits. Then again, the seafood restaurant that my husband had worked for off and on since 1998 couldn't be bothered to even do that, even with the late owner being a personal friend of his.
Honestly, if it were not for my grandparents involvement and the choir in which I have found a mini family, I would have nothing more to do with that church. Last week was the first time I sat through a Sunday without bursting into tears and leaving. I debated sending my daughter back because not only was I dismissed but one of the best teachers there, was let go for what I believe to be personal reasons rather than on the basis of professional merit. This is bad business and makes me question what exactly is going on there and since I am now just an outsider parent, I have every right to. But at this point, there is no other school to send her to that has an opening and I also do not want my troubles to be inflicted on her any more than they have to be. Therefore, we are giving it a shot and we will see how it ends up along with the rest of the mess surrounding me.
When I went to visit my sister she brought up a very valid principle of basic attribution psychology. Basically, if bad things happen to a person, it is perceived that they must be bad or deserving of these negative conflicts because bad things just don't happen to good people. This is the Just World Hypothesis and is an assumption that a person's actions always bring fitting consequences to that person, so that all noble actions are eventually rewarded and all evil actions are eventually punished. Most intelligent people read that last sentence and realize that bad things happen to everyone but in this culture and especially in a religious one, this is ingrained and can be conveyed unconsciously by many. My fear is that this was already present with this group of people tomorrow and by not playing the game with a smile on my face, I will simply confirm that I indeed, must be a bad person deserving of all my woes.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
The War Between the Sexes: Date on Your Side of the Mason Dixon Line
While dating, I can honestly say that I never had a "type". Fat, thin, tall, short, nerd, jock...all that I looked for was a connection with that individual. Ultimately, it never worked out and I was always left wondering if it was me and my friends would always tell me it wasn't except for now I have to believe it was in fact me, at least in most cases.
When I came down here to go to college I was inundated with southern gentleman and together with my cute group of girls, it was like hunting fish in a barrel. But like most college relationships, these were mostly for fun and very short lived but that didn't stop me from getting my heart broken and even being told I was loved a couple times and twice it was returned. Ultimately, I was not what they were looking for and didn't fit the image they had of the girl who should be their arm. Why? My guess was because as southern men they wanted a southern belle and that is most certainly not me.
Southern men are looking for southern gentility and charm. When met with a girl who can pull that off but at heart has been raised a Northerner, it is too much and they simply cannot handle it. My most epic failed relationships were with men raised in the south, and the one I clicked the most with is my husband who grew up two hours away from where I did in PA. Don't get me wrong. In 10 years I have frustrated, angered, and annoyed the everlasting crap out of him but he stuck around and loves me because he has an understanding of how I work. My guess is most Northern girls have a similar M.O. How is that exactly?
Never in my life have I said "bless your heart." What does that even mean? I am not perfectly put together the second I wake up and am not a working Martha Stewart model. I am as crass as I am classy. Northern women are the chameleons of the world and the best part is they are 100% in being so. You can take us to a black tie affair and we can work that room like it was made for us and later take us to a dive bar where we can own it the exact same way with a beer bottle in our hands. Northern women do not hold back and speak their minds. We can cuss like a sailor and also be as eloquent as poetry. We are fiery, passionate, women and have no problems calling people out. We enjoy a good argument and thrive under the pressures of a challenge.
Southern men simply are not prepared and are ill equipped to handle the likes of a Northern personality in a woman. We are intimidating and pushy to them and are way beyond what their mammas warned them about. The southern men in my life simply did not know how to handle me. I may have seemed intriguing at first but ultimately I scared them. The point in all this is my hypothesis. Yankee girls will do best to find Yankee men in their lives. Leave the southern men to the southern girls and we might all be better off.
My husband loves analogies so I will end with one. There are two types of storm chasers; those who watch the twister from a safe distance, careful not to get too close and then there are those who get right in the middle of the storm. Northern men have no problems being the latter and I commend them for it.
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