Small Creatures Open Hearts

I have not written in a while and the reason why also happens to be the subject of this blog.

     The weekend before Halloween was an event at the Latimer House on Victorian Mourning that myself and two other girls had been working on for months.  Friday the 26th of October came around and we were bustling around the mansion in anticipation and some amount of concern over the approaching Hurricane Irene that was supposed to be effecting the weather that night and the rest of the weekend.  Despite the rain, Friday night ran smoothly and we had a decent turnout for out event. At one point, I went outside to talk to Colleen on the porch when we all heard what sounded like a shriek and a squeak all at one time. It was followed by a group of young men walking in front of the house stopping and one of them stating "Dude, you stepped on a baby squirrel." At that, I ran out into the rain and dark only to find a small pathetic and extremely frightened baby squirrel no more than 5 weeks old shivering on the wet pavement. I immediately scooped him up, ignoring the warnings statements of danger of rabies around me, and took him inside (note: rodents are incapable of having rabies. Other diseases, yes, but that is not one of them). I found a cardboard box and some old dish towls and placed him inside to get warm. From the second I saw him frozen on the ground, that squirrel had my heart and I named him Empie, after one of the last members of the Latimer family to live in this mansion.

 

 

I was hesitant to put much hope into him lasting the night but immediately went to Wal-Mart and got kitten formula powder, a small hamster cage, and some blankets. Believe it or not, this was not my first squirrel.  Eric had brought home a squirrel named Nuts about 7 years ago that we had taken care of but he had had a seizure and passed away.  So every 3 to 4 hours, I fed that squirrel with a syringe, so diligently that he was brought to both work and church in the beginning of our time together so as to stay on his feeding schedule. As the weeks went by, he grew and grew and so did our love for each other. I became, in almost every respect, his mother, and he knew it.

 

He began to escape his cage and go looking around the house for me when I left. In fact, when he moved to a bigger cage, it was almost impossible to keep him contained in it since he would creep out and begin his search for Mom. When he couldnt find me, he inevitibly would return to the stack of his own personal blankets on top of his cage and snuggle down and wait for my return. Even when he was moved outside during the day so he could adapt to the outside, this is what he continued to do. When I was around, he was on me or Eric....constantly. I would cook dinner with a squirrel crawling from my shoulder to my back to my leg and then up to my head and so forth. When I ate breakfast, I did so one handed because my other hand was occupied in squirrel wrestling which he never tired of. When I sat on the couch, he would sit on me or run the length of it, terrorizing the cats as he did so. The cats never knew what to make of him because while intrigued by this small creature, they also knew of my attachment to it, and therefore, left him alone.

 

The beginning of this week, Empie started acting more reserved and not his typical wiggly, squirrelish self. He was no longer escaping his confines and looking for me. He did not run up and down my person as he usually did.  I assumed he had a spill while outside during the day and was taking it easy, so I gave him some TLC, extra cuddle time and thought he would return to his usual self once he healed. Thursday night I held him in a blanket and snuggled him while sorting through the kids Christmas presents.  At midnight I gave him kisses, told him I loved him and placed him in the nest he made out of a blanket. Yesterday morning, Eric awoke and found him still and cold, looking as if he was still dreaming. We are having him creamated and a pawprint made of my amazing little friend. Yes, he was a squirrel, but everyone that spent time with him adored him. He was the sweetest and most wonderful squirrel I have ever known and my heart aches because of the huge void that has been left in my life by this tiny creature who in such a short time, became such a large part of it. Rest in Peace Empie, my sweet angel squirrel.

 





Angels and Demons

Halloween is fast approaching and with it comes all the events and festivities that the start of the holiday season brings.  Halloween however brings with it all the spooks and scary bumps in the night that thrill us over and over again. Most people that know me know I am a little odd and with that comes my newfound interest in the paranormal. While I write this even, I am reviewing EVP's or electromagnetic voice phenomenon from the battleship. Years ago I was a complete skeptic but in the past few years, I have been proven wrong in a series of several events.

Last night I was watching a television show which featured demons and demonic possession on several levels and once done, flipped over to the ABC show, Once Upon a Time that I had DVR'd and I had a wild and probably unprovable theory, linking the two. Here it is.

Catholic priests are trained in demonic possession and have been since the start of Christianity. There are records of such things and while exorcisms were probably practiced more unecessarily than not, I believe possession is possible, extremely rare, but possible. Before it was even written, tales of angels, demons, spirits, princes, princesses, dragons, faeries, magic and the supernatural have existed. These stories have been passed down from generation to generation and many from each genre have been written and elaborated on through the course of time.

Given that these stories have intermingled and often intertwined, I had a thought. What if the key to freeing a posessed soul from evil was a kiss? It worked for Sleeping Beauty and Snow White who were clearly under an evil spell. Even if you pull away from the fairy tales, the way to fight bad is with good, hate with love, the devil with God. For every ying there is a yang, a balance to be kept. Demonic posession is said to fill you with hate and evil.  What better way to fight that than with a pure and good act of love?

The problem with this is, who in there right mind would even test this theory out? You come across a person acting posessed and the first thing you want to do is get as far away as possible, not pull them into a loving embrace. Not to mention you are battling forces unknown and if this theory proved to be be wrong, all involved could be in some serious trouble.

Ok my paranormal friends, and even my skeptics.  Weigh in and tell me what you think.

Attachment Parenting

I want to start by saying that yes this is a blog about my own negative views on attachment parenting and no I am not condeming all those who use it, I just personally think it is stupid and if you think that what follows this will offend you, I ask you to now stop reading and read something more to your liking. With that said....

Yeah stupid and here is my example that has me going off on this particular subject today. Some of you may or may not know that I am a preschool teacher now working with toddlers. Today I saw a particularly sweet young girl who was rather grumpy and later found out that this child, her parents and sister all sleep in the same bed as part of their attachment parenting. But, they all go to bed together at the parents bedtime which is generally between midnight and 2am. This sleepy child then was roused in enought time to get her to school. It is a proven fact that young children infants through the toddler stage need anywhere from 10 to 14 hours of sleep a night. Don't believe me? Ask a pediatrician or 5. This child was two and never has near that amount of sleep because she has no bedtime and her parents are running on their own schedule which conflicts with their children and is having more of a negative impact than anything else.

Here is where my problem lies. Generally, the people I have notice practicing attachment parenting are bypassing their childs needs in order to follow this fad whose popularity has only recently grown to a recognizable level.  Thing is, your child isn't a fad or a trendy accessory or attachement. They are a living breathing human being whose needs far exceed your own. In order to establish your child as a functional well adjusted part of society, there is no need for a parenting "type". You want your child to establish an attachement to you? Simply be a good parent and the rest will follow. What does this mean?

It means, children need sleep and lots of it so give it to them. They need their own space as well as time with others. They thrive on a schedule and need boundaries.  Without this you get that kid you see in Wal Mart that makes you question the direction of mankind. They need healthy food to eat. Leading me into point two...breastfeeding. I did it with both my kids so I am very pro breastfeeding but like with everything, there are limits. Once a child is able to eat a steady normal diet to fullfill all nutritional needs, there no need for the nutritional value breastmilk holds. Nursing a child until they are 4 or 5 serves no purpose at all except to allow the mother to hold onto a bond that is no longer necessary.  I mean really.....create a new way to bond and get used to it.  You will proabably have to keep creating for the rest of your life because change happens and it is healthy.

With both these points, bedtime and breastfeeding, it would seem that attachement parenting is less about the kids and more of a way for a parent to fullfill their needs through their child. Many children I have come across being raised this way, either become normal people in spite of this rearing, same as all those that aren't, or they become people who are not self sufficient, have attachement and social disorders, and no boundaries.

I am not a perfect parent, there is no such creature. However, I believe in paying attention to my kids need and wants and instead of following a style of parenting, trying to understand and do what is best for them with the philosophy "all things in moderation".  I don't need my kids to be overly attached to me and they sure as hell don't need that either. They need a mother that loves them and shows it in a variety of ways, encourages them to be independent and balanced. My kids and I don't need a rulebook on how to raise and be raised. We do things our own way and it works a hell of a lot better.

I Want to Move to a Different Country

This afternoon my family and I arrived home from a week long journey of visiting family and friends starting in New York, making our way to Pennsylvania and our last visit placed us in Alexandria, VA. While the focus of this trip was family, I could not help but notice the people around me as they unknowingly displayed obnoxious after self absorbed displays of complete entitlement. None of this was more self evident than when these fine specimens of humanity attempted to drive.

The levels of ignorance and stupidity seem to increase when hitting the highway.The amazing part of driving over two thousand miles in a trip is watching traffic come to a grinding halt for absolutely no reason. There was no accident or construction for us.  However at every exit, merging traffic or not, traffic came to a standstill. Then there were the left lane bandits and everyone has encountered them. These are the idiots whom, for whatever reason, ride the left lane going extremely slow and completely oblivious to the 20 cars attempting to pass them and shooting glaring looks as they do. Worse even is when they create a roadblock by riding side by side with a car or truck in the right lane going extremely slow and again, either don't care or ignore the ever growing number of cars that are slowly piling up behind them. When my blood began to boil, however was when passing said lane Nazi and shooting them your dirtiest look, they don't even see it.  Why? Because they are texting on their phone of course as they do 60 in a 70 and traffic flow is averaging 78.

My other encounter happened at the grocery store with my one item standing at the checkout in front of a rather large woman also holding one item, a cake.  Thinking this would be a quick trip, my friend and I waited patiently behind her. As soon as it became her turn, another woman followed by about 5 or 6 kids, pushes past us exclaiming "I'm wit her!!" Her cart is filled with a variety of junk food and several half eaten cookies as she takes her self presumed place in front of the cashier. Meanwhile, the kids are running amuck as she obliviously loads her goods on the counter. packs of gum are being thrown, opened and the front of the store is filled with yells and shouts from these imps. When one of the women seem to finally take notice of the children, they do nothing to stop the madness but instead have one of the older girls scream in the face of the line jumper "I WANT SOME GUM NOW!!". This loud, insolent demand was met with her requested reward for such blatently rude behavior. When they finally did leave, the once tidy area was in disaray and not one person said a word, simply exchanged looks of disapproval.

Has society always been this self serving and entitled and I was not aware of it or is it indeed getting progressively worse? This problem infiltrates every aspect of our lives from politics to grocery trips. People need to stop being so self absorbed and start becoming more self aware as well as paying attention to their surroundings and start holding themselves accountable for their choices and actions. Sounds easy but the majority of the population has yet to do it.  I wholeheartedly believe that this simple shift as a personal goal for everyone could make a huge difference towards making this world a better place.  Most of us already know how, it is simply a matter of acting on it and becoming more aware of your choices, actions and others.

San Antonio

I am sitting here at the airport in San Antonio Texas slightly early so the three of us could split a cab and say our goodbyes together. Such is the life of a traveling pauper. Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to reflect and write about this trip, its original purpose, all it's adventures and the journey taken.

This all started out as a serendipitous adventure I was intending to take to Vegas but as it turns out that trip never happened and would have been disastrous anyway. SO I took the flight credit and pondered what to do with it. A night with Barbara talking about the internal hardships we were both facing as well as our other mutual friends, we realized it would be beneficial and was actually necessary to recapture ourselves and the best way to do that was together.

In 2005, our friend Jonna moved to Texas from North Carolina and out of our group of 5, the 4 went and stopped in San Antonio and I did not on account of a memorable family road trip I was taking out west with my own family. They had a blast and the trip to this day is still remembered and talked about fondly. This time, only 4 were able to go again but this time, I was one of the lucky ones able to make the trip possible. It was simply wonderful how easily everything fell into place and soon the trip was upon us.

From an outsiders perspective this was an impulsive and less than lucrative trip, being that we were all in a financial pinch of sorts and had obligations at home which demanded our attention. But what we were beginning to realize is that those very things along with others were beginning to take their toll and for at least three of us, the effects of that stress were severe to the point that they were beginning to physically impact us as well. We needed each other. Since I was 17 years old we have needed and relied on each other for a strength and solace that only the others can provide. The fact that we all realized it and had an imperative need at the same time could not go unrecognized and had to be rectified. Hence, the trip.

No doubt, we had fun. Get this bunch together and there is always a good time regardless of location or atmosphere because we make our own and raise a few eyebrows and gain a few stares in the process. But the first morning together in the pool started our re bonding, talking and healing. The common thread for all of us was this. Our roles in life have consumed far too much of our attention and we lost sight of ourselves just a little. Expectations, emotions and insecurities have been allowed to get the best of us. The positive light was fading and we knew we could help each other to bring it back and we did.

A few things happened for me and as for the other extraordinary women; I will let them tell their parts, should they feel so inclined. After our first day by the pool and the conversations that took place, I started feeling better about myself. Due to recent drama and thoughts and feelings that are forever in my head, I have recently had my feelings of "not being good enough" magnified. It is my own personal weakness but I never felt pretty enough, smart enough, good enough in my roles in life, skinny enough, strong enough, etc. Poolside I learned I was not alone and when I learned that these women felt the same and we shared our thoughts on why and our experiences, that heavy feeling of all those negatives started to lift and by the time I went up to the room to shower, I felt I had washed a lot of that negativity away. Looking back at all the pictures we took, I can see a physical change in my appearance as well. Usually, like most women do, I tear my image apart ("my thighs look huge", "Dear god, I look pregnant!" type of thing). This time, I simply could not get past the look on my face in my photos. I was happy and carefree and most importantly, I was simply me.

Now this isn't to say I am miserable looking all other times, I am not. In fact, this trip has led me to see that I have a blessed life. My support from my grandparents and my husband made this trip a possibility for me. My children are about as close to perfect as children can be. My own untapped and vast potential has been recognized and however daunting, I have so many possibilities ahead of me. It was always there, I just had trouble seeing it through the shroud of endless responsibilities and self doubt.

So thank you, San Antonio and my 3 beautiful friends. Thank you for letting us look at ourselves and each other in a fresh new light. Thank you riverwalk and Cowboy's Dance Hall for letting us get a little wild and free. Thank you Alamo for reminding me of this nation’s history and of complete and true sacrifice. Thank you to the 3 missions visited for granting me a strange inner peace, and thank you Jonna, Barbara, and Melissa for allowing me to be me and loving me for it always, for crazy laughs until Barbara ends up snorting uncontrollably, for sharing a small mirror and 1 bathroom with 3 other women, letting me get accosted at night by an Alamo cop, being my lookouts when I once again, roam outside legal borders, creating an adventure by losing car keys in a walled in field as it closes, and overall by being the strong, beautiful, intelligent women I have come to love and respect more than anything.

Fight or Flight

So I am in a position where I want to do what is best for me and at the same time, what is the right thing to do but I simply do not know what either entails so I am calling upon the few people that read this to help me out.

Most of us have been in a same or similar situation with an ex boyfriend, ex friend, co worker, etc where a disagreement turns into a full fledged war or words and before you know it, you are no longer on speaking terms.  However, they decide to take it one step further and trash talk you and attempt to destroy your reputation within your same said circle or group. In my case, I have no idea what is even being said but the little I have heard is 100% false and I have gotten scathing emails from someone who went from zero to bitch in no time flat, and a bunch of removed and blocked "friends" from Facebook.  What to do.

There is the phrase "the best revenge is living well" which is all well and good but the thing is that this particular instigator doesn't care if I live well or not, he just wants me out of his particular realm and I have no clue what he is doing , but it seems to be working.  I feel like walking away makes me look guilty of whatever it is he is saying and he becomes effective in removing me from this specific community. However, ignoring it removes me from the drama and allows me some time to focus on the positive.  SO I am stuck. 

I tried to fight back by explaining how most of these lies I know about don't even make sense but it all falls on deaf ears. It would help if I knew what exactly was being said and done, but I don't. All I know is I am being trashed and my defenses are low enough as it is. I tried using the truth to my advantage but am having trouble since people seem to feel compelled to rally around someone who clearly uses others and is not a good person in general.  Even knowing his faults and falling prey to them at times, these people still champion him on and I am bewildered by it.  The one person who has a right to be upset with me in all this is my husband and while he is upset, he still takes my side and is angry on my behalf, which I would think says something to the whole mess, but apparently not.  It does tell me however that I have the most understanding and loving man on the planet for a husband.

So again, what do I do and how do I do it? This moron's reputation is the most important thing to him which makes it an obvious kill shot but how? Or do I take the high road, ignore the whole thing and try to be the bigger person and move on (if you have ever been in this position you know how hard that is)? Either way, I hope he knows that crossing paths with me from here until the day he dies is now perilous. Spreading lies and rumors from behind a keyboard is easy. Actually facing a pissed off Arwyn is a whole different story.

Damn You Memorial Day

      
This is my sister.  At times we hate each other, mock each other, yell at and chastise each other. But always we love each other and when one of us is in trouble or needs advice, the other is one of the first people we turn to.  This morning I went to church with my mother to sing.  It is really the only purpose for me to ever go is to sing and make other people happy.  Most people know I am not the religous sort at all.  The last psalm was a memorial day song about protecting those at sea, on land, and the last verse was about protecting those in the air. It was at this point I watched my mother start to shake and I reached for her hand.  A few seconds later she broke down completly and so did I and we sat in the front pew with tears streaming down our faces.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day which for most is a time to honor those lost in the line of duty.  For this family, tomorrow will be when we say our last goodbye to my sister and hope to god she doesn't joint those ranks.  Tomorrow, Captain Misha Harrell of the United States Air Force will be in Norfolk awaiting transfer to the desert where she will serve as a flight surgeon for 6 months.

She described her station in the cockpit of a C 140 as a small shelf that they stick her in because she is tiny and fits. While singing that stupid song all I could picture is her gaunt little frame shoved into a small confined space hoping someone doesn't shoot her out of the sky.  This is probably not her veiwpoint but I can imagine it crosses her mind from time to time up there. This image brings tears to my eyes and while I am proud of her, as her big sister, I am scared as hell for her too.  I am helpless.  When we were little and someone picked on her, I fought them on her behalf.  When a boy broke her heart, I let him have every sharp word in my vocabulary, and now she is in the most danger she has ever been in and I can do nothing, separated by an ocean and  several continents.

So tomorrow take time to remember those that died but also take time to remember those who are trying not to die but charge forward into the fray nonetheless.  Take time to remember my sister and so many like her who are about to face battle and war for the first time.  I don't believe in religion but many of you do.  I also know that lately, all the things I thought I knew were never really true anyway so hey, what the hell do I know? If you think prayer works, then say many for my sister and those with her. If you believe in the power of persuasive thinking, use that too.  Me, I am going to tell her tomorrow to be strong and know she is loved.  I am going to tell her there is no shame in running and to run like hell. I am going to tell her to save as many lives as possible and even if it is just one, it will be enough. And while she is there, I am going to give her as many reminders as I can of what and who she is fighting for.

Don't Pay Any Attention to the Man Behind the Gay Curtain

So the day has come to vote on Amendment One and the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.  I will go and vote of course but only because I have to, not because I want to.  I have to because someone needs to stand up for what's right and oftentimes, that someone falls within the minority so you need all the help you can get.  In this case, I hope I am wrong.  I am hoping that this country is not so regressive that intolerance and bigotry wins out over what shouldn't even be an issue.
Just like the wizard behind the curtain, our government has created the illusion that Amendment One is a big deal. Bigger than, unemployment, deficits that they have caused, budget cuts, mis allocation of funds on their part, wars across the world where people like my sister are sent to die for a cause that doesn't even exist. No, they have made marrying the person you love into a "problem".  This is the smokescreen and it is a lose lose situation for those of us that want to see real change affected. Don't get me wrong, this is important for the lives of so many good people, but we have allowed the government to dip it's hand into this pot that it never had any business being in.  And now instead of fixing real problems, they go after the insitution of marriage and try to break it down rather than seeing it for what it should be.  Two PEOPLE that love and care for one another wanting to spend the rest of their lives together and have a family in a legally recognized way.
So vote today but then we need to move forward and as the public it is our duty to try to curb political corruption as much as possible and instead of voting for parties, start voting for someone who is willing to face real issues head on do what is right for the people of this country.

After a conversation this morning, I feel I need to add a little more to this.  There is a separation of church and state for a reason and this is a prime example of it.  Whatever your religious beliefs are concerning marraige, this amandment still does not constitute favor.  By voting for it you are denying other American citizens healthcare benefits, tax breaks, and more simply because of sexual orientation.  The children of same sex couples will suffer for this as well. God forbid something happens to one parent.  That surviving spouse is then in danger of losing their love and their child.  This also effects people that are not even gay.  Unmarried women who are physically abused will not have the same protection as ones that are married to their abuser. So I am imploring that we put aside religion for just one day and think about the governmental rights of those who are threatened by the implications of this.

The Importance of Facebook

Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our own problems and emotions that we fail to see through to the reality of the situation.  Such was my reasoning behind taking the shortest break in history last night and while the rationale behind it may not make sense to most of you, it made sense in my head at the time which is a habit of mine that gets me into these situations. 
 In my case, I trusted someone whom  shouldn't have trusted and ignored all the warnings from others that he only cares about his own hide.  So, against all that I decided to not heed the warnings of others and all the alarms going off in my head and it ended up badly for me. It ALWAYS ends up badly for me and like Bart Simpson with an electrified cupcake, I got zapped.  Time to start learning or as Dana tells me "put on my big girl panties". Funny part is that my being upset has now spurred him to be offended, angry and upset that I dare be anything but happy to be screwed over.
So, here is where I stand now.  First off, don't play with fire if you don't know how hot it burns and as my close friends can tell you, when hurt, I can become nuclear.  It isn't who I am but it is right there underneath as it is in all the women in my family.  You can't set off a firecracker and blame the damn thing when it explodes. Second, when I go down, I go down hard, but when I get up again you better get the hell out of the way. I may not be as smart as the rest of my family but I am creative and cunning and those features create a worthy advisary if one chooses to make me an enemy.  Third, you bested me once and it will not happen again.  No more will be taken and the whole degredating experience only makes me more determined to rise up better and stronger.
Lastly, as Dana reminded me, I am going to be fine.  There is a reason your close circle is so small.  It is because the world is full of people willing to take advantage of you when you are in a weak moment, doubting yourself, your situation in life, and what to do about it.  That smal circle of people though stand by to help you past all that and will stay up with you when you cry, drink with you when you are frustrated and talk to you for hours on the phone and listen to you verbally sort your thoughts out. A solid support group is something I have that he never will and while I have taken it for granted many times, I am always grateful and reliant on it being there.  Facebook broadens that for me and allows me to reach my friend I can't call in England and the one I miss so much in Texas who is so busy making a difference in this world.
My removal of Facebook was because I was ashamed of being bested once again.  Ashamed that I let myself be sucked into dramatic games I never had any business playing. He feels justified in his actions but in the end, life will catch up to him and maybe, just maybe, the asshat will learn he wasn't.

I haven't written on this in a while because I have been living in this facade that I thought was me getting involved in something and becoming excited about life again and today I was hit with the realization that it was nothing more than being used once again.  I am so tired of constantly seeking the best in people only to be let down time and time again. Constantly thinking people genuinely like me only to find out they could care less whether I live or die.  It hurts too damn much when you are let down, knowing that while you are crushed they walk away unscythed. I was just starting to think I had a handle on what was up and now very little makes sense anymore. I don't want to be here.  I haven't wanted to be here in a while.  I have had this stupid blog here for over a year and only a handful of people even read the fucking thing. Everybody says they care about you but most of them don't. Most will never even realize when you are gone. They only say it because they thing it is the PC thing to say or it makes them sound better, all of which has nothing to do with anyone but themselves. It's funny how when you get angry at someone for letting you down or hurting you, they come back at you with anger instead of simply realizing they made you feel this way and righting that wrong is all you ever really wanted anyway.  I am done.  I am done trusting people who do not deserve it and thinking optimistically about their intentions.  I am just simply done.

A Nice Day for a White Wedding

      Five years ago today I was getting so excited for my first trip to Las Vegas. So many changes were about to happen to me.  Five months prior, my boyfriend bought a ring.  Two months later, he proposed with it and we found out we were going to be parents.  A big wedding really wasn't feasable and so my husband to be proposed a small wedding in Vegas and it was set.  We found a chapel that would stream our wedding on the internet so that the majority of family and friends who could not make it in person could still experience the occasion.  It was so easy to plan.  We bought a package through the chapel and tailored it to our needs.  Two years prior to all of this, on a crazy whim, I bought a wedding dress and swore to my friend that was with me that I would marry Eric in it.  She had given me the "Your insane.  He hasn't even proposed yet." look but supported my decision anyway.  Well, this dress was a size four and while the top part still fit, my stomach was starting to show.  So, my wonderful seamstress aunt, helped me to let it out so it fit.

       We boarded the plane and after several hours of flying over nothing but desert and mountains, there finally shimmers an oasis before us. 

We met Sheldon, the best man, at the airport and took a shuttle to our pyramid hotel and casino, the Luxor. 

There we met up with the three other guests that made up our wedding party. They took off for a ball game and we made final arrangements including going to the Clarke County courthouse to obtain our license and picked up a tux.

 We all met back in the spa suite where the boys stayed and the girls went out for dinner.

 The next morning we ordered extravagant room service and I went downstairs to the salon and spa to get primped while the girls went shopping.  I was the frist to arrive back at the room and quietly slipped into my dress and looked out the window for a while, taking it all in.  The busy city below me excited me and yet the enormity of what I was about to do never once gave me the jitters.  When my friends returned, Dana did my makeup and we went downstairs to the lobby.  As I made my way to the waiting limo, I got cheers and applause which put a big grin on my face.  I was getting married!!

      We arrived at the Little Chapel of the Flowers where I met with the minister and we discussed the ceremony.  I signed my name on the dotted line and Dana signed hers.  She then took me by the arm and we took a deep breath and I half hopped, half walked down the aisle towards my smiling groom.

 The ceremony in it's entirety took about 8 minutes.  During most of that I wore this nervious smile and for the life of my I don't know why.  But as soon as I heard the words "pronounce you husband and wife", that expression faded and the happy cheeseball grin returned.  After 4 1/2 years with this man, I was now his wife. 

     Photo time came and went and we went back to the hotel to change and see about dinner.  Alas, we made a grave error.  When in Vegas on a Saturday night, make reservations.  We assumed that with all the restaurants and all the choices, we didn't need to......yeah, you need to.  We eventually did find a decent spot at Mandalay Bay and after an almost 2 hour wait.  We dropped the most money we have ever spent on a dinner and baby Jason decided to make me throw up a perfectly wonderful $65 steak but it was still a wonderful meal.  The night didn't end there.  Dana and Brian had a memorable wedding gift in store for us and we made our way up the Las Vegas Strip to see Cirque de Soliel's Zumanity at New York, New York.  The show was incredible.  Aerialists performing unreal stunts,topless contortionists, and an artisty all it's own.  The evening ended with a return to our Egyptian themed paradise and a wonderful first night's sleep with the man I now get to spend the rest of my life with.




(for more pictures and a video, they are on Facebook =)

Letter to the School Board

To Whom it May Concern,

My husband is a 5th grade teacher in this county. Aside from being the most hardworking man I have ever met, he is also one of the most positive. However, we both find it disheartening that the education system, especially here, is in a total state of decline. I am writing this letter, not only to inform you of the conditions and circumstances of which he has struggled through but also to make the public more aware of the fact that while public scrutiny of the education system often falls on the teachers, it is in fact a misguided and misplaced judgment.

I would like to start by addressing teacher pay. Teaching often is held in the same esteem as doctors and lawyers as a profession in general. However, the average salary of a doctor is $250,000 and a lawyer is $110,000. My husband after almost 14 years of teaching does not even break $40,000 a year. Granted, he does get 9 weeks off in the summer but even taking this into account, the 60 hours a week he dedicates at the school working only amounts to a salary of $14/hr. By law, the Department of Labor requires overtime pay for more than 40 hours per week, but that doesn't happen for teachers, does it. For a profession with so much at stake, and the youth of America in its hands, a higher degree with a minimum of a Bachelors degree is required and in some states often a Masters. But for a profession with so much training required and years of experience, my husband is paid the same as the starting salary for a migrant worker tending your lawn, a hotel cleaning person, a telemarketer who calls you at dinnertime and a file clerk. Since 2007, you have frozen teacher pay, raised healthcare costs while reducing benefits, and long before that taken away any bonuses teachers might have earned. Since 2007, my husband and I started a family and had two children, doubling our household and our expenses. Due to your rise in insurance costs, my husband makes less now than what he did 6 years ago. More than 70% of North Carolina teachers moonlight in order to make ends meet, including my husband, but unfortunately, as is our case, the ends still don't meet. I wrote inquiring as to the salary of the board members and assumed it was public record, as is the salary of teachers and other state jobs but the funny thing was, that information could not be found and I have received no response back from the board regarding such.

As far as the working conditions of teachers, I have to say it is simply deplorable for someone who is holding a title of a working professional. Within a ten hour day, my husband receives 10 minutes for lunch, if that. There are no bathroom breaks for at least an 8 hour period of time. Childcare laws state that the teacher child ratio for school age children is a maximum of 1:25 however public school class sizes regularly exceed that number in elementary schools. These sizes make it extraordinarily difficult to do any actual teaching since discipline takes up about 80% of class time and the one on one time that many children need with the IEP's is simply impossible to maintain. In a world run by technology and advancement, you have provided my husband with textbooks that are usually out of date and 3 classroom computers for the use of 27 students. These are the tools that the students have to use on a daily basis and school supplies such as paper, pencils and notebooks are more often provided by the teacher than the parents. Keep in mind that the same tools you have equipped your teachers to teach with are the same tools that have been provided decades before in a world where even McDonald's now provides their employees with updated and modern equipment. Society's behavior on a whole is out of control in my opinion, but for now, we are going to limit it to the behavior in schools.

The authority of a teacher in their own classroom has been crippled completely by the lack of parenting, and the rules you have made out of fear that support it. The few students left in the classroom that have any manners and respect at all as well as the teachers are subjected to be at the mercy of those children and their parents who have none. Those parents that come in screaming the loudest about the unfair treatment of their children are all too often the same ones wreaking havoc and bullying the teachers, administrators and you. You let this happen. Teaching, in essence was originally intended to be just that, spreading the wealth of knowledge. By implementing such absurdities as character education instead of taking on the bullies and telling them that as parents, it is THEIR job to build and instill the foundation of character in their children, you have accepted their own lack of character and accountability and placed that burden onto a teacher to complete in 185 days. Now you have placed an even more insane measure of accountability on these teachers by forcing them to teach to a test, which is highly regarded publically as a disservice to the education of our children. For the public that doesn't know, I will clarify. If the End of Grade test scores are below a certain level, starting next year, that teacher in grades 3 and up is in jeopardy of losing their job. Even more ludicrous is that fact that teachers in grades K-2 will also have their jobs in jeopardy if the test scores do not reflect adequate results.

As a mother, wife, and former teacher as well as part of this community I am sorely disappointed in the careless hypocrisy that is used to fast deteriorate this county's schools. Because of the reckless way in which our school systems continue to allocate funds, take on new and untested theoretical programs, and implement impossible tasks. The best part is, the teachers take the brunt of all the speculation, criticism, and judgment when in all actuality, it is you and the public that should be held accountable for the decline of our public schools. All I have seen from my end is a bunch of hard working teachers up against the Goliath of public failures. The public needs to take action and until they start looking at the decision makers and holding them accountable instead of placing blame on the teachers on the front lines, the decline will continue. I encourage each of you to take a week and put yourself in a classroom as a facilitator so that when making decisions, you can see the actual impact of them. I wish the public could do the same. Maybe then, positive change could be brought about.

Spring is in the Air

It has been very hard to imagine that for the past two months it has been winter here, given that the normal temperature is usually in the high 60's and the sky is bright blue with the sun blazing above. In fact, the seems a bit more like we skipped strait from Fall to Spring. Being such it has thrown my yearly internal clock off kilter. For instance, the past couple of days it has been sunny, clear and around 70 degrees outside. It is at this point that my Spring inner workings start processing the part of my crainium that says "Project Time!!!". Now I know it is only February and our funds are still limited but everywhere I look in this house, I see a project waiting to happen. So this week, i finally caved to my urges and started off small by creating a tile border around one very plain mirror in my bathroom. This then spread to putting a border around the ugly light fixture above that mirror and voila, my need has been somewhat quenched and for very little time and effort. I have managed to "pretty up" in a minor way but it is always the little details that can make a big difference. SO now what? left twiddling my thumbs yet again, the itch begins and there is so much I want to do. I want my bathroom fixtures replaced. I want to paint and panel the bathrooms and Katie's room. I want a tile backsplash in the kitchen. My yard.....Jesus, my yard. If I could get a whole new yard dropped around the house, that would be great. My poor Mercedes sits longingly in the driveway, begging for some attention. The problem with these things is a seemingly large amount of funding. So I have to do these projects a little at a time and in between take on free projects in between.

So far, I have a few lined up. Painting is the first thing that comes to mind. In case you were wondering, A.C. Moore has an insane sale on canvases. So I bought in bulk and am going to get inspired. Acrylic paint is also on sale which I have decided I like much better than oil. I also have a sketch book I need to take to a park sometime and just freehand. My family history is an ongoing work in progress. Irecently found more information on my grandmother's side of the family which I think I have made sense of but now have to retype so it makes sense to anyone who ever reads it. Ghost hunting comes next. Well, I joined a group hoping to actually do more of this than freelancing in graveyards on my own but unfortunately all my group has done is meet at a pool hall and eat drink and play pool. So I am hoping next month to actually start doing something relevant. I have a lot of the equipment, just need a site. If you read this and know of anywhere, let me know. Music is still there but more in the background since I have felt less compelled to play and I am working to understand why that is. My cooking skills are improving thanks to the lack of funds for always eating out and I can often get creative with dinner just as easily as I can with cakes even though cakes are so much sweeter.

The way I figure it is that I am chosing to spend my time and energy on positive things wheras a year ago, I could not really say that. It is good to be involved in things and I like having the freedom and time to explore my options. People don't get enough of that these days. I am just very glad and very thankful I have the help and support I need to be one of the lucky few.

Humanity and the Legal System at it's Finest

Today has left me feeling extremely frustrated with people in general and the legal system in all it's glory. My day starts by waking up thinking about a problem that has plagued me for almost a year now. Last February I gave a guy $300 and an old saddle that my Granny had given me before she died in hopes that he would restore it. He had a website showing previous work and assured me it would be completed in two weeks time. As the months drug on he kept assuring me he was working on it always making excuses. Then at the end of the summer he moved to Indiana and stole my saddle and took it with him. He has continued to lie to me telling me he has it and he will send it. I even told him I would sue him and I wasn't kidding. I looked into it, received the paperwork and everything. The problem is this. The cost of filing suit and either hiring a lawyer or flying out there to appear in court could be covered by the money I would receive when I undoubtedly would win. But I would never see a dime, just like I will probably never see that saddle again. You see, Charlie is a drunk pathetic loser who spends every measly dime he makes on booze and women. You cannot squeeze blood out of a drunken stone. I cannot file here where cost would be signifigantly less because he doesn't live here. SO because that sorry sad sack ran off with my property, I get screwed if I go after him. Thank you legal system. Then I am browsing facebook and come across an article where a drug addict with two boys already gives birth to a baby girl and ten days later, puts her infant in the washer with the laundry and passes out in a drug induced sleep. The baby was found during the spin cycle by the mother's aunt very much dead. The family had been fighting to have all 3 children removed since the mother had a bad drug history but the courts allowed her to keep her children and now an infant baby girl is dead. When did the courts start protecting the guilty and letting the innocent pay? Our legal system has become to big for it's own britches. So many rulings and laws are made based off one case where mistakes were made trying to make fairness in effect, retroactive, when in fact all they have done is make it unfair for the rest of people going forward. Think of it this way; a tangled knot, much like legality has to be untangled in order to be straitened out. The bigger the knot, the harder it is to untangle. The more string used, the more of a mess you have. Our legal system needs to stop adding string to the knot and stop getting so wound up in the legality of things that it loses sight of what is right. Not saying that we should go back to the days of hanging horse theives but back then you never heard of anyone getting off on a technicality. The law was made to protect the innocent but more and more that ideal is slipping away, one technicality after another. We need to start over. We need to start looking at the bigger picture and the legal system and the government need to stop avoiding the big picture of what is wrong with this country by focusing on things like gay marraige that hurts no one, and start focusing on restoring morality and a little bit of virtue to this country's crumbing structure.

A New Year Ahead

First Day of 2012 and for most of us, it is an optimistic day. Odd really...it is just an ordinary day. It has no religious meaning an celebrates no one special. It is just a day on a calendar really. But it signals hope for so many. Hope that in the next 365 days, change will happen and things will become better. So in the Spirit of this newfound hope for change resolutions are made and faith in oneself becomes somewhat restored. In spite of impending holiday bills and the bitter chill in the air (unless you live here) a more positive spirit starts to stir and the simple jump from one month to another becomes a fresh start. So, what do I plan to do with my fresh start? I plan to relish life since last year I started out as a shattered and broken woman. The ties that matter in my life are mostly positive ones, at least the people are. This year, I have a choice and my mind is clearer in order to make the right ones. I am going to find out what truly makes me tick. I am going to explore every passion in my life and be as eclectic and interesting as possible. I am going to take on new projects without fear and finish some unfinished projects. I am going to find and follow a path to financial stability on the more serious side of things and continue to try my best as a scholar. On the flip side, I believe my personality could use some improving as well. I am going to try to be more vivacious and when opportunities arise, I am going to try harder to recognize them as they come and embrace my chances wholeheartedly. Unconditional love has always been an issue for me since it has mostly been met with obliterating blows. But I am wise enough to know who derserves it at this point and I am going to try harder to show that to those who give it to me every day. I know everyone says they are going to shed the pounds as a resolution but I have been fighting this losing battle for about a year now and giving it a very half ass attempt, I might add. But for the sake of my own self esteem and the little shred of vanity I still possess. I know most people say for health reasons or some crap like that but if I said that I would be lying. I think this simply means smaller portions and even the smallest bit of regular exercise (at least that is what I have been told). I plan on relishing my children. I do this anyway but I want them to know it. I want my daughter to know that Snuggling her is the best thing in the world for me and that I would drop everything to do it. I want my son to know that all the things we do together are cherished by me. All the cooking, crafts, and games we play together I hope stick with him forever like they will with me. I want my husband to know that still have not forgotten how a night breaking into a car with a fishing pole can end and how much all the little surprises really mean to me. Basically, I want to live better, act stronger, and be more. I want to waste less time and gain more moments and memories. I want that feeling you get after seeing a riveting movie where just for a moment, as you walk out of that theatre, you feel like maybe, just maybe, you could be that hero or heroine, and maybe, just maybe, I too can take on the world and win.