Fat, Old, and Happy

Today is the day before my 31st birthday and I feel no older than I did a year ago really. However, thinking back to 10 years ago, it is surreal how different life is. I was about 30 pounds lighter and full of a vivacious energy that never seemed depleted. I lived in an apartment with a man I was planning to marry, did marry, divorced and now we both are married to other people and haven't spoken to each other in years. I was finishing up college and planning a wedding. I went out dancing and partying at least once a week. I had no money and no car payments and an old Chevy Malibu that carried with it the demeanor of an old codger, with a temperment all it's own. I miss that car. Life seemed so simple and I was sure I had it all figured out. I couldnt wait to legally drink and then it happened and I wondered where the big deal went. I was completely in shape and went to the gym in the afternoons and had a body I would kill to have again. I had a cell phone with a whopping 300 minutes which was way too much and I would never use that much. I had an external caller ID and voicemail machine and used checks or paid cash. All my papers and assignments were stored on Zip drives or floppy disks. All my furnature was hand-me-down from the butterfly patterned couch to the formica table with the egg chairs that were missing wheels on the bottom and wobbled. I was responsible for me and me alone. I did my own thing and thought I was so responsible. I bought beer on every grocery trip and went to impromptu parties at friends houses without hesitation. If only I knew then what I know now.

A small fortune was spent on a wedding for a marraige that lasted 7 months. I went from butterfly couch to pillows on the floor in an even tinier apartment, alone, scared and uncertain but better, stronger. I learned what real unconditional love is. I learned that he can make huge mistakes and so can I but that we always come back to each other because that is the "life doesn't make sense without you" kind of love, the "feels like home" "soulmate" kind of love. I went from no car payment to having two now and thinking that a year lease was a big commitment to a fixed APR and a 30 year loan for more money than I have ever borrowed in my lifetime. I learned about commitment and real responsibility. I felt what it is like to grow a life and in that learned a love too powerful to even be describable. For the first time, I realized what true exhaustion was, what it was like to put someone else's wants and needs before your own without it even being a conscious decision. I went from one cell phone to 4 on a family plan and a car with no air conditioning or power steering to a car with 2 DVD players and a touch screen. My tiny one bedroom apartment turned into a 3 bedroom home.

My ususally neat and tidy ways became more relaxed and toys now line my floors. Going dancing and drinking now makes me feel old as I am aware that those around me were me a decade ago. Sitting at home on a Friday night watching Ghost Adventures with my husband checking on my sleeping children, seems more my speed these days. I store my graduate work on flash drives smaller than my finger and beer and wine are for special occasions. My cell phone has a touch screen and accesses the internet. I have a wood dining table and a couch from an actual furnature store. I haven't seen the inside of a gym in quite a while. My needs and wants come last for the most part. Yet my restless days seem to have been trying and searching for this life I have now. Maybe I wasn't aware of all the details, but unlike then, I am fat, old, and happy.

Soul Searching, Educationally Speaking

Those of you that know me well know I am indecisive and yet impulsive, usually all at the same time. Well, in the decision to further my education, this traits fell into play again. I originally signed up for an MBA thinking it sounded impressive and that I could use something like this to broaden my horizons. Fast forward to six weeks in and I am lost and come to the realization that business sense has escaped me. In addition to that, I was in the corporate world for 6 years and for the most part, didn't like it aside from the fabulous benefits and bonuses. So why oh why, on my quest for self happiness would I try and chain myself to that world forever? The answer is, I wouldn't. Not to sound pompus but I think that who I am is too much to be contained inside a cubicle all day in front of a computer screen. It would literally kill me.

So now what? Well, I have never dropped out of school and I don't plan on starting now. I am simply switching programs. The education field is not for me right now. Having been an educator and being married to one, there is too much frustration there for me. If I had to deal with the bullshit that these poor teachers have to put up with from parents, students, administration, and the board and government, you can bet I would be going postal at someone. My husband and all the teachers in this area must have the patience of saints. No, my undergrad minor is in Psychology and after reviewing the graduate program, it seems like that just might be my nitche.

Life Enrichment

Big changes are still in progress and I threw a few new ones into the mix just to shake things up. You would think that quitting your job to stay at home would leave you with a void of time. This may be the case for slackers but I have never fallen into that catagory. I am actually busier now than I was when I worked. The key is filling my time with positive activities and choices. So grad school is tough but going well. I am maintaining an A average, something I have never done before (hopefully I can keep it that way). My relationship with my children and husband is growing so much and as much as they can drive me crazy, every cuddle and kiss makes up for it ten fold. Still broke, but as I recall, we weren't too much better off even when I was working so that I will continue to look at finances as a challenge.

So, what else is new? Well, I have delved into the couponing world. I am just starting and nowhere near what I probably could be but on average I save about 66% on each trip. Couponing gives a very odd feeling of accomplishment and trepidation when you stand at the register watching those numbers decline, hoping it comes to the small amount you have left in your checking account. Last week, I also made the decision to join Weight Watchers. I am not huge or even fat but I am not comfortable with where I am at and need to eat better anyway, so I decided to give it a try and I am already seeing results.

Next step in my life's makeover is to clean out the clutter... proverbial and otherwise. I find that I have been paying attention to many people that do not deserve my time or simply drain my energy without any benefits. I have paid too little attention to those people I find myself missing at moments. So now I am going to strive to reach out if to do nothing else than say hi, and that I am thinking about them. I am going to become more organized around the house in order to simplify life just a little. I am going to stand up for myself a little more than I have been and not let people make me feel badly about who I am or how I feel.

I am also going to make time for things I love. I picked up my guitar for the first time since I broke my arm this weekend and it felt so good. I am going to dance more too. I will dance in my living room and in my car and wherever else I damn well please. I am going to sing to my children and for myself. I am going to write songs, blogs, poems and whatever else strikes me at any particular moment in time. I am going to love those that truly love me and let the rest fade away.

The Pheonix Will Rise

So, major changes have happened in my life and with that came the consequences. I honestly cannot think of another word that is seemingly more appropriate. Mainly, it has simply left me once again, dissappointed in people. I quit Verizon after 6 years and I feel more myself than I have in a long time. I feel free, my kids and I have deeper relationships, and my husband and I have grown that much more strong. Downside is.......so broke it isn't funny. We expected this though and are doing ok. Both of us have lived low income lifestyles before and while it isn't my preference of choice, it something I do not fear. What disturbs me more than any hour cutting coupons is the reactions I have received from many people close to me.

There are a handful of people, including my husband, who have supported me through every step, in a multitude of ways, and for them I am grateful. Without that, I could not have found the strength to make change happen for myself at all. Majority however have told me it was a stupid move on my part and have expected me to fail and, in my opinion, even want to see me punished for commiting such a rash financial suicide. Coming from the people I love who love me, that puts a real sharp stab in my heart. When I tell complete strangers, even the woman in HR as I was leaving the company, that I wanted to stay at home with my children and go back to school for an MBA, I get an enthusiastic "Good for you" that comes with a basic understanding of what I am trying to accomplish. But I dont want that from strangers. I want that same approval from my family that has eluded me since as far back as I can remember.

What is so hard or complicated about telling someone you love, whom has made a drastic lifestyle change " Good luck and we will help in any way we can."? Am I asking too much to have people whom have known me my whole life support me and want the best for me even when they don't agree with what I am doing? Sure I have made mistakes along the way, but everyone has. I am totally aware of all the ones I have made but what do they or I gain from having them thrown back at me? What positive outcome could possibly come from my metaphoric downfall followed by a bunch of "I told you so's"? I myself have watched friends and family make plenty of mistakes, many worse than mine. I simply said I disagree and afterwards I tried to simply be there and continue my role as a supportive aspect in their lives. That is all I want from the people on mine, but it isn't going to happen. What I really don't get is what they have to lose by just being supportive to me at all. Cutting them out of my life completely isn't an option, so if you were me, what would you do?

CH CH CH Changes....

For so long I have been stuck in a holding pattern. It drove me crazy, quite literally. I was so unhappy because I desperately wanted change but I wanted positive change and was frozen in fear of making the the wrong choices that would make everything so much worse. But doing nothing instead made it all so much worse and started my downwards spiral into a self destructive black hole. I drank myself into oblivion and it cost me too much that I never want to remember. I took pills, lots of pills and drank with those. I hurt the people around me that love me most and focused more on the people who never cared about me at all. My fear was slowly strangling me and it was only recently I decided enough was enough.

So I actively initiated change and I hope to God, it was the right path to take. I started small and decided to redecorate. My patchwork colored living room now blends in a color called Jungle Chamelion. My pictures on the wall now make a little more sense. From there, I decided a long term goal was needed. My husband is getting his online degree with the University of Pheonix. So I decided to do the same and became a Pheonix. I start next week on my MBA and am scared to death because no one has ever thought of me as a scholar, mostly me, but here I am going for a graduate degree.

So at this point I have painted over the past, literally. I have tried to open doors for my future. But my biggest obstacle seems to be the present. I have been unhappy in my job for years and against the advice and wishes of most of my family, the decline of job opportunities, and our non existant bank account, I quit Verizon after 6 years. In the time I had off from work, I felt more like me than I have in a while. My relationships with my husband and children flourished.
I went back to work and it all went away and I regressed back into my misery. So now I am free to feel ok again except for I am not completely ok. I need a part time job and one that fits the schedule I need. I dont have that. I hope I can get that doing something other than waiting tables, which I suck at, or working some retail job alongside 15 yr olds. I want something I can be somewhat proud of with a decent wage that I can enjoy and that is asking a lot. I apply every day and never hear much back. It puts me in a very defeatist mood and I dont know what to do. So, if I have any readers at all, what do I do?

Religion?? Me???

For those of you that know me, you know that religion is something I am usually more against than for. I find most religious sorts to be fanatical at times and for the most part hypocrites. Like most things, I think the idea is nice and all but really doesnt play out very well in reality. Most of the bloodshed of the world happened because of religion. People do many crazy things in its name and twist the Bible to say what they want it to. However, let us not confuse religion with faith.

A very good friend of mine believes in God wholeheartedly and through the years we have pretty much come to the understanding that it is a subject we don't discuss because it can only go in one bad direction. This weekend she gave me a gift. It was a personalized Bible with a journal to jot down thoughts in when I felt so inclined. Normally I would have politely taken it and said my thank you's in a moment that had me feeling awkward and it would have ended up buried in a drawer with a bunch of other stuff that never sees the light of day. Instead I felt nothing but love and was extremely grateful for it. No one has ever given me a Bible before and the fact that it came from her meant everything. I guess you could say I felt loved. We may not always agree on the subject but it is one she holds dear and believes in wholeheartedly. The fact that she believes it helped her and loved me enough to want to extend the help to me was enough to make a little book seem very special.

Right now, I need all the help I can get. She knows this and if there is a God, whether he cares or not, it could not have escaped his attention. So, every night I will simply open it and read something. Call it an experiment if you will. Maybe it will help, maybe I will learn something, who knows. Worse case scenario, I miss 3 minutes out of my day and I know I have wasted a lot more time on a lot less. So starts night one of my religious experiment.

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

Fear...it is the one emotion that can infiltrate itself at any time under any circumstance in any situation. It can consume a person and is a powerful drive behind a great many actions. It is mainly an individual and often personal feeling, but why? Why is my irrational fear of cocroaches not universal and why is it mine? I know it is just a stupid bug that is actually harmless but that doesn't stop me from jumping on the nearest piece of furnature and screaming for someone to kill it. Even more pertinent of a question is, why is the person on the floor below me, crunching the dastardly thing with their shoe looking at me like I am insane? Is there even such a thing as a universal fear?

The saying goes that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. I say that is slightly incorrect. If there is a fear that encompasses all of us, it is that we fear ourselves. Fear, I believe is based on all the insecurities of a person. Courage only can come when we challenge the fears and meet them head on. Much easier said than done though. In order to even begin to accomplish this feat you have to first, just like an alcoholic, admit that you have a problem with your fear.

For me, there is nothing to fear but failure itself. You would think, having accomplished the art of failing numerous times, that given the sheer numbers, I would be immune to such a thing by now, but sadly that is not the case. Everything about me, scares me. Rarely do I live up to other people's expectations and standards and while some would say, set your own and live up to those, that is only easy if you live in your own bubble. Lately though, every decision I make seems to be the wrong one. Perhaps I just am going about things all wrong. So today I am writing to ask how other people judge their decisions and their actions. When faced with a challenge, how do you know which path to chose and how do you come to that decision?