Multi Faceted

On my road to self discovery, I am finding more and more out about myself. Today, I learned that many people see me in many ways and that I have a multitude of interests that shape who I am and how each person sees me differently. My life has never been about just one thing and that is the way I like it. It is easy to give people a name based on their career or passionate interest but I don't know if that subject could be narrowed down for me. What brought all this up for me was an opportunity for a part time job that I really would love to have working with the Historical Society. History has always been an interest for me but few people know this. It was always more of a self indulgent hobby that I kept more or less to myself. It is one that I have found myself persuing in the last few months and really enjoying. The other interest that I have become more involved in these past several months is paranormal investigations. Since I was 14 I have found myself in a job that I had to have that I never really enjoyed. Teaching came close but there were too many hassles associated with it (parents, idiotic school boards and admin). This is the first time in my working adult life that I have taken a break from work, taken a good step back, and re evaluated what I WANTED to do, not what I should or have to do. For the first time, it feels like it is up to me to decide my own fate and I can play around with that a little. So why these two hobbies? People who have known me for a while know my obvious passions such as horses, children, singing and music. But these are all the same things I have been involved with since childhood. It seemed time to discover what other things I enjoy, not that I wanted to give these up, just add to them. So I have. The Paranormal and history go hand in hand. History fascinates me, especially the Civil War/Victorian era. Every time I see a picture or am at museum or watch a tv show, I wonder what it was like to live then. When I think about the paranormal, I don't really imagine Slimer from Ghostbusters. To me, it is the unknown gateway or connection to answering that very question of what was it like. If you could try and communicate to the past, why wouldn't you at least try? Worst case, you end up sitting in the dark, talking to yourself like a fool and I know I have done more foolhardy things than that.

Television These Days

I have found myself watching TV less and less these days. The common response to this is usually "good for you". However, my reasoning for this is for no other reason than the content.

The reality shows on TV boggle my mind and the popularity is something that completely confuses me. Watching shows like Teen Mom, Jersey Shore and Real Housewives in my humble opinion has no entertainment value and only shows people how to emulate bad behavior. If you want to see bad behavior, just go to Wal Mart. Why are networks paying teenage parents to neglect their children and behave horribly? Why are they paying entitled drama filled rich people even more money to behave badly on camera? Why is Snooki, a drunk fat skank a television icon with her own doll and Halloween costume?

Is this what has become of our world? Teen mothers, rich drama queens, and stupid drunks have become our idols and hero's? Why did this happen? What do the adults loving these shows, teach their children? Do the fans of these shows even stop to ponder this? A better question is, how can we turn society around? Media has a huge impact on our society whether we like it or not. I believe that is where reform should start. So if anyone even reads this, do your future and society a favor and watch shows with actual heros and heroines or watch cartoons. Not saying only watch PBS but be mindful of the things you watch and the morals you display.

Calm Before the Storm

Day before Thanksgiving....I know I am not the only one with that anxious knot in their stomach wondering if the house is clean enough, do they have all the needed groceries, is everyone going to arrive on time? In this family though, we do up this Holiday like no other. The morning starts much like other normal Thanksgiving morning. The crowded house wakes up and there is the normal hustle and bustle in the kitchen while others take showers and get ready for the day. In our house, we each have a dish that we are in charge of and have been for a long time. I have a handle on the pumpkin pie. Cay does the mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and Leah makes some fabulous intricate dessert. Misha will not be here to cook this year =(. Since I moved down to NC, my family usually spreads out between my grandparents house and mine.

The Harrell clan over the years has pretty much rolled a family reunion and Turkey Day into one huge 3 day event in Burgaw NC. Yeah, you heard me...3 days. Tonight and every night before Thanksgiving is Chili Night at Aunt Edna's house. Very informal and everyone brings a side dish and drinks and wait for all the stragglers to arrive. The kids have arranged an annual hide and seek game and long lost relative catch up from the previous year. The next day, more food and family. When I say family I need to let you know that the head count usually is between 60 and 85. Usually a group will get together that isnt doing cooking and go hunting or arrange a game of sorts. The rest of us spend our day in the kitchen. Due to the sheer numbers everyone must bring something or sometimes 2 somethings.

The night pretty much goes like this...mingling and catching up. Then a line is formed weaving in and out of several rooms where we count off until we have an offical head count. Then we take a moment of silence and remember and mention those who have passed away and those who are with us in spirit followed by a blessing the family wrote a while ago for this occasion. Then forms an incredibly long line through the kitchen and the smorgesboard that lies on every flat surface throughout the kitchen in my grandfathers house. Tables are set up in all areas of the house including the hallway. You can even find some enjoying their meal in bedrooms. After the dessert table is hit, the family not cleaning up goes for a walk around Burgaw down the main drag to the school and back. My immediate family on the way back stops in front of the family department store for my mom's christmas card picture. We go back to the house only to get a group photo of most people from the night. After that, the oyster eater head count for the next evening is taken and the crowds dispurse to rest up for the following day.

Black Friday is known as the busiest shopping day of the year. This part of our fall festivities is no different. We just break from it early so that we may drive to the riverhouse Friday afternoon. When you arrive, you will most likely see that century old cabin looking rustic as ever set back behind the trees with the Northeast Cape Fear silently placed in the background. Someone will most likely be washing oysters as Leslie, the man in charge of the main course, stokes the bonfire. You see, we do oysters the old fashioned way. We get an outside fire going until the coals are nice and hot. Then a piece of sheet metal is placed on top and set on metal standing rods. A bushel at a time, the oysters are dumped out on top of the sheet metal and covered with wet burlap to steam them.

We mainly eat outside on huge cable spool tables covered in newspaper. As the freshly steamed oysters are dumped upon the table, there is a mad dash and within minutes the crowd around the table has made quick work of them. Sometimes a guitar is brought ( I will probably do it this year)and we sing songs around the fire and eat drink and be merry until it is time to say our goodbyes.

With the 3 day Harrell Thanksgiving over, the relatives slowly start making their way all over the map back to their own homes and it all dies down until the next year when those same traditions, still stand and are renewed. For us, it a celebration of the closness no matter how far away, a reminder that we are there for one another no matter what, and an unsaid promise that this family cannot be broken.

The Death of Daytime Drama

For over 40 years, daytime drama, or soap opera's as we commonly call them, have been captivating housewives and stay at home moms for generations. Before I could crawl, walk, or talk, I was watching Soaps. My mother since she was a pre teen had been hooked on All My Children. I grew up with the cast of characters and loved seeing the story lines unravel to reveal some rediculous story that seemed so pliable as it played out in front of me.

Many of these characters I knew so well, better than even some real life friends. Adam Chandler and Erica Kane were the powerhouses I aspired to be. Greenlee and Kendall had the spark and fire I wished I possessed. I identified with small pieces of many of these characters and cried when a beloved character died and wondered who the killer was with every murder. I learned about romance from this show and how many ways it could go so terribly wrong.

In September, after 42 years, my beloved Soap aired for the last time. I cried. It was like a relative had just been killed and I found myself hating that last episode and thinking how stupid it was but in all actuality, there was no good way to end it. The next day, to my horror, the 1pm slot was filled with a dumb "cooking show meets The View" show called the Chew, and yes, the show is as tasteless as the name.
This month, they are taking away my second favorite Soap, One Life to Live, again it has been on the air longer than I have been on this earth. Who knows what crap will be in the 2pm spot now.

Now ABC has decided to put the final nail in the coffin and cancelled General Hospital as well to make way for boring reality TV that makes me want to cancel cable. I wonder if they know that they are ending a genre. Daytime Emmys will never be the same if they are even around much longer. Drama will no longer be scripted but appear as "reality" where antics and bad behavior impress younger minds as the way to behave. Actors will no longer have a way to jump start their careers.

How a vulgar skanky boozehound like Snooki won out over a classy self made woman like Victoria Lord, I dont know. How asparagus cooking could ever be more interesting than Janet from Another Planet throwing her twin down a well to steal her husband will never make sense to me. A sign of the times?? Yeah, but a very sad and discouraging one if you ask me.

Home Schooling???

SO I am probably going to meet many unhappy faces after posting this blog, but since I write it for me, I really don't care at this point. The topic: home schooling. Pretty much any topic concerning children in which you don't smile and nod at everything some other parent believes in and agree with, is going to be frowned upon and argued with and quite frankly, I am tired of it.

In this case, I come at the topic of home schooling as a person who went to college and was trained for 4 years as an educator before entering the public world of education and teaching for 2 years. Does this make me an expert on the subject, no, but it does make me a knowledgeable one and that is the point I am getting at. I am seeing more and more moms out of the blue up and decide "hey, I am going to home school my kids." So, do they even know what that involves? Not a one.

Sure, they know they have to go to the Board of Education and pick up their packet but that is where it ends. To me, it is an insult to regular educators. Whether you are an intelligent person or not, unless you have training or a background in the subject, how can you possibly think this is a grand idea? You get your hair done by a professional, trained in their art. If you do this with something as superficial as hair, how is it justified to take something as important as your child's education and leave it to someone who has no clue what they are doing, even if that someone is you? Just like there are good hairdressers and bad ones, the same can be said for teachers and school systems. Hell, the same can be said for just about any profession.

This is what irks me. I worked hard to earn my degree and was proud to be a teacher even though I am no longer one. Who is to say I will never go back to it? But to pretend to think you know what teaching entails when you have never studied it in detail, to think you can plop worksheets and a computer in front of a kid and call it teaching, does the profession a disservice as well as that child. This isn't like the game you played when you were 8 and made your siblings be your "students". All you are doing is taking away from your child in socialization skills and contributing to their educational detriment. Not only that but in order to teach effectively, you need structure, consistency, and a schedule that is detailed and stuck to. The few people I have heard, boasting that they can home school are unfortunately the same people whom I have never seen show a modicum of any of these attributes.

The only way I find home schooling to be helpful is in the case of some physical and mental handicaps and even then, only if you have proper educational training yourself. If for some reason it has to be home schooling then at least have enough sense to find someone with a teaching background who is home schooling in your area to take them to.

Fat, Old, and Happy

Today is the day before my 31st birthday and I feel no older than I did a year ago really. However, thinking back to 10 years ago, it is surreal how different life is. I was about 30 pounds lighter and full of a vivacious energy that never seemed depleted. I lived in an apartment with a man I was planning to marry, did marry, divorced and now we both are married to other people and haven't spoken to each other in years. I was finishing up college and planning a wedding. I went out dancing and partying at least once a week. I had no money and no car payments and an old Chevy Malibu that carried with it the demeanor of an old codger, with a temperment all it's own. I miss that car. Life seemed so simple and I was sure I had it all figured out. I couldnt wait to legally drink and then it happened and I wondered where the big deal went. I was completely in shape and went to the gym in the afternoons and had a body I would kill to have again. I had a cell phone with a whopping 300 minutes which was way too much and I would never use that much. I had an external caller ID and voicemail machine and used checks or paid cash. All my papers and assignments were stored on Zip drives or floppy disks. All my furnature was hand-me-down from the butterfly patterned couch to the formica table with the egg chairs that were missing wheels on the bottom and wobbled. I was responsible for me and me alone. I did my own thing and thought I was so responsible. I bought beer on every grocery trip and went to impromptu parties at friends houses without hesitation. If only I knew then what I know now.

A small fortune was spent on a wedding for a marraige that lasted 7 months. I went from butterfly couch to pillows on the floor in an even tinier apartment, alone, scared and uncertain but better, stronger. I learned what real unconditional love is. I learned that he can make huge mistakes and so can I but that we always come back to each other because that is the "life doesn't make sense without you" kind of love, the "feels like home" "soulmate" kind of love. I went from no car payment to having two now and thinking that a year lease was a big commitment to a fixed APR and a 30 year loan for more money than I have ever borrowed in my lifetime. I learned about commitment and real responsibility. I felt what it is like to grow a life and in that learned a love too powerful to even be describable. For the first time, I realized what true exhaustion was, what it was like to put someone else's wants and needs before your own without it even being a conscious decision. I went from one cell phone to 4 on a family plan and a car with no air conditioning or power steering to a car with 2 DVD players and a touch screen. My tiny one bedroom apartment turned into a 3 bedroom home.

My ususally neat and tidy ways became more relaxed and toys now line my floors. Going dancing and drinking now makes me feel old as I am aware that those around me were me a decade ago. Sitting at home on a Friday night watching Ghost Adventures with my husband checking on my sleeping children, seems more my speed these days. I store my graduate work on flash drives smaller than my finger and beer and wine are for special occasions. My cell phone has a touch screen and accesses the internet. I have a wood dining table and a couch from an actual furnature store. I haven't seen the inside of a gym in quite a while. My needs and wants come last for the most part. Yet my restless days seem to have been trying and searching for this life I have now. Maybe I wasn't aware of all the details, but unlike then, I am fat, old, and happy.

Soul Searching, Educationally Speaking

Those of you that know me well know I am indecisive and yet impulsive, usually all at the same time. Well, in the decision to further my education, this traits fell into play again. I originally signed up for an MBA thinking it sounded impressive and that I could use something like this to broaden my horizons. Fast forward to six weeks in and I am lost and come to the realization that business sense has escaped me. In addition to that, I was in the corporate world for 6 years and for the most part, didn't like it aside from the fabulous benefits and bonuses. So why oh why, on my quest for self happiness would I try and chain myself to that world forever? The answer is, I wouldn't. Not to sound pompus but I think that who I am is too much to be contained inside a cubicle all day in front of a computer screen. It would literally kill me.

So now what? Well, I have never dropped out of school and I don't plan on starting now. I am simply switching programs. The education field is not for me right now. Having been an educator and being married to one, there is too much frustration there for me. If I had to deal with the bullshit that these poor teachers have to put up with from parents, students, administration, and the board and government, you can bet I would be going postal at someone. My husband and all the teachers in this area must have the patience of saints. No, my undergrad minor is in Psychology and after reviewing the graduate program, it seems like that just might be my nitche.

Life Enrichment

Big changes are still in progress and I threw a few new ones into the mix just to shake things up. You would think that quitting your job to stay at home would leave you with a void of time. This may be the case for slackers but I have never fallen into that catagory. I am actually busier now than I was when I worked. The key is filling my time with positive activities and choices. So grad school is tough but going well. I am maintaining an A average, something I have never done before (hopefully I can keep it that way). My relationship with my children and husband is growing so much and as much as they can drive me crazy, every cuddle and kiss makes up for it ten fold. Still broke, but as I recall, we weren't too much better off even when I was working so that I will continue to look at finances as a challenge.

So, what else is new? Well, I have delved into the couponing world. I am just starting and nowhere near what I probably could be but on average I save about 66% on each trip. Couponing gives a very odd feeling of accomplishment and trepidation when you stand at the register watching those numbers decline, hoping it comes to the small amount you have left in your checking account. Last week, I also made the decision to join Weight Watchers. I am not huge or even fat but I am not comfortable with where I am at and need to eat better anyway, so I decided to give it a try and I am already seeing results.

Next step in my life's makeover is to clean out the clutter... proverbial and otherwise. I find that I have been paying attention to many people that do not deserve my time or simply drain my energy without any benefits. I have paid too little attention to those people I find myself missing at moments. So now I am going to strive to reach out if to do nothing else than say hi, and that I am thinking about them. I am going to become more organized around the house in order to simplify life just a little. I am going to stand up for myself a little more than I have been and not let people make me feel badly about who I am or how I feel.

I am also going to make time for things I love. I picked up my guitar for the first time since I broke my arm this weekend and it felt so good. I am going to dance more too. I will dance in my living room and in my car and wherever else I damn well please. I am going to sing to my children and for myself. I am going to write songs, blogs, poems and whatever else strikes me at any particular moment in time. I am going to love those that truly love me and let the rest fade away.

The Pheonix Will Rise

So, major changes have happened in my life and with that came the consequences. I honestly cannot think of another word that is seemingly more appropriate. Mainly, it has simply left me once again, dissappointed in people. I quit Verizon after 6 years and I feel more myself than I have in a long time. I feel free, my kids and I have deeper relationships, and my husband and I have grown that much more strong. Downside is.......so broke it isn't funny. We expected this though and are doing ok. Both of us have lived low income lifestyles before and while it isn't my preference of choice, it something I do not fear. What disturbs me more than any hour cutting coupons is the reactions I have received from many people close to me.

There are a handful of people, including my husband, who have supported me through every step, in a multitude of ways, and for them I am grateful. Without that, I could not have found the strength to make change happen for myself at all. Majority however have told me it was a stupid move on my part and have expected me to fail and, in my opinion, even want to see me punished for commiting such a rash financial suicide. Coming from the people I love who love me, that puts a real sharp stab in my heart. When I tell complete strangers, even the woman in HR as I was leaving the company, that I wanted to stay at home with my children and go back to school for an MBA, I get an enthusiastic "Good for you" that comes with a basic understanding of what I am trying to accomplish. But I dont want that from strangers. I want that same approval from my family that has eluded me since as far back as I can remember.

What is so hard or complicated about telling someone you love, whom has made a drastic lifestyle change " Good luck and we will help in any way we can."? Am I asking too much to have people whom have known me my whole life support me and want the best for me even when they don't agree with what I am doing? Sure I have made mistakes along the way, but everyone has. I am totally aware of all the ones I have made but what do they or I gain from having them thrown back at me? What positive outcome could possibly come from my metaphoric downfall followed by a bunch of "I told you so's"? I myself have watched friends and family make plenty of mistakes, many worse than mine. I simply said I disagree and afterwards I tried to simply be there and continue my role as a supportive aspect in their lives. That is all I want from the people on mine, but it isn't going to happen. What I really don't get is what they have to lose by just being supportive to me at all. Cutting them out of my life completely isn't an option, so if you were me, what would you do?

CH CH CH Changes....

For so long I have been stuck in a holding pattern. It drove me crazy, quite literally. I was so unhappy because I desperately wanted change but I wanted positive change and was frozen in fear of making the the wrong choices that would make everything so much worse. But doing nothing instead made it all so much worse and started my downwards spiral into a self destructive black hole. I drank myself into oblivion and it cost me too much that I never want to remember. I took pills, lots of pills and drank with those. I hurt the people around me that love me most and focused more on the people who never cared about me at all. My fear was slowly strangling me and it was only recently I decided enough was enough.

So I actively initiated change and I hope to God, it was the right path to take. I started small and decided to redecorate. My patchwork colored living room now blends in a color called Jungle Chamelion. My pictures on the wall now make a little more sense. From there, I decided a long term goal was needed. My husband is getting his online degree with the University of Pheonix. So I decided to do the same and became a Pheonix. I start next week on my MBA and am scared to death because no one has ever thought of me as a scholar, mostly me, but here I am going for a graduate degree.

So at this point I have painted over the past, literally. I have tried to open doors for my future. But my biggest obstacle seems to be the present. I have been unhappy in my job for years and against the advice and wishes of most of my family, the decline of job opportunities, and our non existant bank account, I quit Verizon after 6 years. In the time I had off from work, I felt more like me than I have in a while. My relationships with my husband and children flourished.
I went back to work and it all went away and I regressed back into my misery. So now I am free to feel ok again except for I am not completely ok. I need a part time job and one that fits the schedule I need. I dont have that. I hope I can get that doing something other than waiting tables, which I suck at, or working some retail job alongside 15 yr olds. I want something I can be somewhat proud of with a decent wage that I can enjoy and that is asking a lot. I apply every day and never hear much back. It puts me in a very defeatist mood and I dont know what to do. So, if I have any readers at all, what do I do?

Religion?? Me???

For those of you that know me, you know that religion is something I am usually more against than for. I find most religious sorts to be fanatical at times and for the most part hypocrites. Like most things, I think the idea is nice and all but really doesnt play out very well in reality. Most of the bloodshed of the world happened because of religion. People do many crazy things in its name and twist the Bible to say what they want it to. However, let us not confuse religion with faith.

A very good friend of mine believes in God wholeheartedly and through the years we have pretty much come to the understanding that it is a subject we don't discuss because it can only go in one bad direction. This weekend she gave me a gift. It was a personalized Bible with a journal to jot down thoughts in when I felt so inclined. Normally I would have politely taken it and said my thank you's in a moment that had me feeling awkward and it would have ended up buried in a drawer with a bunch of other stuff that never sees the light of day. Instead I felt nothing but love and was extremely grateful for it. No one has ever given me a Bible before and the fact that it came from her meant everything. I guess you could say I felt loved. We may not always agree on the subject but it is one she holds dear and believes in wholeheartedly. The fact that she believes it helped her and loved me enough to want to extend the help to me was enough to make a little book seem very special.

Right now, I need all the help I can get. She knows this and if there is a God, whether he cares or not, it could not have escaped his attention. So, every night I will simply open it and read something. Call it an experiment if you will. Maybe it will help, maybe I will learn something, who knows. Worse case scenario, I miss 3 minutes out of my day and I know I have wasted a lot more time on a lot less. So starts night one of my religious experiment.

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

Fear...it is the one emotion that can infiltrate itself at any time under any circumstance in any situation. It can consume a person and is a powerful drive behind a great many actions. It is mainly an individual and often personal feeling, but why? Why is my irrational fear of cocroaches not universal and why is it mine? I know it is just a stupid bug that is actually harmless but that doesn't stop me from jumping on the nearest piece of furnature and screaming for someone to kill it. Even more pertinent of a question is, why is the person on the floor below me, crunching the dastardly thing with their shoe looking at me like I am insane? Is there even such a thing as a universal fear?

The saying goes that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. I say that is slightly incorrect. If there is a fear that encompasses all of us, it is that we fear ourselves. Fear, I believe is based on all the insecurities of a person. Courage only can come when we challenge the fears and meet them head on. Much easier said than done though. In order to even begin to accomplish this feat you have to first, just like an alcoholic, admit that you have a problem with your fear.

For me, there is nothing to fear but failure itself. You would think, having accomplished the art of failing numerous times, that given the sheer numbers, I would be immune to such a thing by now, but sadly that is not the case. Everything about me, scares me. Rarely do I live up to other people's expectations and standards and while some would say, set your own and live up to those, that is only easy if you live in your own bubble. Lately though, every decision I make seems to be the wrong one. Perhaps I just am going about things all wrong. So today I am writing to ask how other people judge their decisions and their actions. When faced with a challenge, how do you know which path to chose and how do you come to that decision?

Summertime Memories

So this may take some time for me to type since I am in a similar predicament as I found myself in at the age of 13 with a broken left arm entering into summertime. Just like then, I absolutely hate it because I have already found myself staring at the ocean and unable to embrace it, watching water sports and wishing it was me. Sand castles beckon and swimming pools taunt me and the bright sun will not allow me to bask in its warmth, rather, it makes me hot and sticky and itching inside my plaster prison.

Since I cannot, write, play music, or ride for the time being, I am left with time on my hands and part of that is spent remembering how magical summer used to be for me. It was a time when my academic education ended and many different learning experiences awaited me. My fondest have to be my days in Elkton. During those summers I visited my great grandparents. I would fall asleep to the sounds of the breeze through the trees and the barges coming in from the Chesapeake Bay. We ate dinners of fresh shucked corn and crab and caught fireflies after dinner.

Beach bonfires next to the pier taught me how to make the best smores and how to kill chiggers.
Before bed, we would tend to the sunburn and sore throat from consuming too much river water that we had tried to ignore for the sake of more fun. During the day, we were forever on the water.

I got my Maryland boating license and my cousin Jeff would take me sailing. We almost never went with my Papa due to the fact that he would inevitably lose the wind in front of an oncoming freighter ship and we would narrowly escape death. My favorite Yacht club parties were held on an island with a pool and a small rideable train and endless soda.

Tubing, water skiing, and boat rides were things that never got tiring. Every Sunday we would drive into North East and attend St. Mary Anne's with the promise of ice cream down the street afterwards which was an excellent bribe.

My first taste of what love was happened in this same spot too. Chris Talley was a friend of my cousins and a year and a half older than me with a black Jeep Wrangler. All it took was a boat ride and him trying to playfully drown me in the Elk River and I was smitten. I think I would literally light up like a Christmas tree when he came over and soon he started coming over not to see my cousin John, but to see me. We would take long walks around and look at the old CJ7 in the barn down the dirt road. One particularly enchanted evening we took a walk at twilight down a forest laden path, fireflies twinkling, to the Turkey Point Lighthouse where I received my first highly romantic kiss. Then he turned around and started dating someone else and I was brokenhearted. He pretty much set the trend for the next decade. But we stayed in touch up until I graduated from college.

Summers now are much different. I have a man who kissed me and didn't give up on me to be with anyone else. My kids now consume my days instead of the beckoning waters, but they always call to me. Responsibilities have replaced that carefree teenage spirit but every now and again, when I close my eyes, I can recapture all the memories again, and smile.

Twists and Turns in Friendship

So maybe you were one of those people who exchanged bracelets or kept half a BFF heart and gave the other to your very best friend when you were young. I did. But now I am 30 and I dont need a bracelet or a charm to outwardly signify that I care about someone or that they are supposed to care about me. Honestly, there are a select few that will never leave my heart and I will never leave theirs. We may go for months without talking or years without seeing each other but I also know that is a part of growing up and living your life. When we talk or are around each other, the comfort and caring all returns. If I ever needed them, I know they would be in my corner without question. Then again, there are some people in life, I am learning, that need to be kept at a distance or weeded out completely, simply because,their lifestyle can be detrimental to yours or you have just grown too far apart on too many levels. This becomes increasingly harder as you get older because you no longer have school to throw you together in the social sense and there is so much time and effort put behind a friendship, that to sever it seems almost a waste, no matter what the reason.

I recently went to visit a friend that I had not seen in a year, since her wedding. It was only for an hour or 2 but from the second I walked back in the door of the house she grew up in, it was if nothing had changed. Sure, we had husbands and kids now, but the atmoshere and feeling was the same as it had been since middle school. As soon as I felt it I missed being surrounded by that again. But the curious thing was that it apparently passed to our children as her son greeted mine at the door by exclaiming "Let my friend in!" The entire time they were inseperable.

There are others however whom you look at and wonder where it all went wrong. A friend I had since the 5th grade, I never hear from since she visited and during that visit, alcoholism pushed our friendship to a breaking point. Not unsalvagable, mind you, but enough so that 6 years later, we still have yet to have a real conversation. Two of my college buddies it would seem, have gotten a new set of friends who are so much different than me. This one is tough because I feel replaced, like I was never good enough. These new people start playing all the roles I always thought I was meant to play. Fighting it is useless because I will never, nor would I ever want to change into those kinds of people, especially to please someone else. So what do you do? Walk away? Get angry? Move on?
I really don't have the answer. What I tend to do is put a whole lotta distance there. Maybe my friends will come back to me since those people are generally fleeting, and maybe not. In the meantime, how do you make lasting friends with your kind of people in life after school?

Part of a Pack

done a lot of traveling lately. been to upstate NY, Canada, Philly and this weekend, I conquered the Midwest. My sister lives in St. Louis and the plan was to see her before she was deployed overseas. I am able to be the most frank and honest when I am around her and can tell her anything. The past 24 hours though, I have simply observed and in doing so, answered a few questions of my own.

She and are of the same cloth in the sense that we are complete pack animals. We are content not being alpha but are happiest as part of a team or community. This may be the key to my recent funk. In high school I had Michelle and Gina and we formed our sisterhood. As long as I had them, I could make it through anything. We did everything together. In college it was the fab 5. We did everything together too and I felt loved and accepted and happy with them. The only thing missing then was a decent romantic relationship. I thought once I found that then I would be all set and 100% complete.

Fast forward to now. These members of the pack have moved on to different places and while the love is still there, we aren't, in the literal physical sense. I have the romantic relationship with a good man but for me, it isn't enough. I need to run with the pack again. I thought having my husband and kids would be all the pack I need but it isn't. Even wolves have to be surrounded not only by their relatives, but their chosen other pack members too. Maybe this need makes me dysfunctional but I can't be the only one out there that doesn't just want to find their niche and a group. To call it a want is an understatement. For me, it is an imperative need in order to feel like I am a well rounded balanced individual.

My sister has not one, but several packs. She is the playful pup in the group and while it may not define her, it makes her socially happy. I watched her care less about social stigmas and simply enjoy who she was while she was around people that accepted her in the most profoundly simple ways. Today I sit, waiting for her rugby game to start and see her have passion, and comradery,not being the lone wolf and in the process, making life happen. I am in awe and achingly want that for myself.

Here Goes Nothin

So I guess you can say I am new to this whole world of Blogging and, like everything else in my meager existence, I have no clue as to what I am doing. You see, I come from a family of geniuses, In addition to being such paragons of intelligence, they also have the biggest quality of all that I wish I had inherited, but alas, it was not in my genetic makeup. This admirable quality I am referring to is being goal oriented and focused in life. This is not to say they knew from an early age what they wanted but rather, when they knew, they stuck with it and excelled in the process.

Throughout my entire life I have been, what is commonly referred to a Jack of All Trades, Master of None. I have tried a variety of skills, hobbies and lifestyles ranging across the spectrum but unfortunately have never become more than mediocre at a single one of them.As a child, I tried all sorts of sports and activities as did my sisters. The difference was, they found one or three that they were really good at and stuck with it and were rewarded with trophies, ribbons and titles. I, on the other hand, dabbled in everything from karate to modeling and always quit after a short time. School was no different. In my opinion, the social aspect of my education was always more important than the curriculum part. This followed me all the way into college and while I somehow managed to get a degree, I cannot honestly say that I completely earned it. My grades from primary school until I received that were, as always, average. The fact that I stuck with school and completed alone, bordered on incredulous.

I may have been able to chalk up all of that mediocrity to being young and impetuous, but since I am now entering my 30's and still living in the Land of the Mediocre, I don't think that will pass muster anymore. I live in a nice but average home, I have the average family of four, consisting of a supportive husband, and an incredible little boy and girl, oddly enough, all above average in almost every way. I have the average job as an average drone for a large national corporation. I drive an average car with an average middle class income. I suppose starting this blog, I somehow hoped, would eventually drag me out of my average everyday normalcy and into something important.Whether that importance is simply my own personal growth or aiding others and making a difference somehow, I don't know. Either way, here goes nothin.